Things I Miss

I miss walking to the grocery store and buying Milka bars.  I miss shopping at Zara--everything was cheaper and fun.  I miss the taste of oranges.  I miss having new sheets every Wednesday.  I miss the train ride into Madrid.  I miss taking an afternoon walk and buying a treat.  I miss speaking broken Spanish and feeling ridiculously proud of myself.  I miss only having a few options of clothes to wear.  I miss having a gym that was close and usually empty.  I miss using cash often.  I miss the Mcdonald's McFlurries.  I miss the nuts you get from the cloistered nuns.  I miss going to the Prado.  I miss walking to Puerta de Sol.  I miss going to the bakery and shoving my way to the front to get a Napolitina Crema.  I miss getting chocolate and churros.  I miss only having a couple of hours of class every day.  I miss eating with all of the people at my study abroad.  I miss the yogurt there.  It wasn't even that good, but I miss it just the same.  I miss walking two miles to church, in my clogs.  I miss taking weekend trips.  I miss being distanced from the real world, at least for a little while.

I forget Spain happened until someone mentions it, and then my heart melts a little bit.  What a place and what a season of life.

xo. Elise

TBH

My body still aches everywhere, and I am just assuming it's because it is still trying to figure out what time zone I'm in.  I realized that I will be sleeping in my own bed for the first time all year tomorrow.  I am slightly terrified about moving back down to Provo, so I am quietly contemplating just living with my parents forever.  Hey Mom and Dad, I would be a great houseguest, right? 

I told my sister that I feel like I have been on a boat for the past few months.  I remember my 22nd birthday was actually kind of exhausting because everything seemed to be changing and different.  Moving out, leaving for Spain, ending college--it all seemed too much.  Ever since then, everything has had a sense of temporariness which is tiring, but also comforting.  Nothing is permanent, nothing has to stay the same, if it's bad, it will soon be over, if it's good, it's enough to survive on. 

I didn't know if I wanted Spain in my life, and now I am shockingly sentimental and searching for small memories and reminders.  I was positive I wanted Uganda in my life, and now I look at pictures, still a little surprised that I survived.  I knew I wanted a European trip to happen, and I am still really tired, but very happy. 

Someone asked me what I've been up to, and I didn't even know how to answer.  That is a little discombobulating, but also soothing.  Permanence can hurt and seem like a tidal wave.  I don't necessarily advocate for constant change, but when you are feeling very uncomfortable with your identity, it is a really great way to numb your panic. 

Part of me wants to live free and open, without chocolate chip cookies or social media to protect me.  The other part of me wants to just. keep. running. 

A really wise and mature part of me knows that the not starting is actually much scarier than just starting.  A job, an apartment, a social life will all anchor me, but right now it feels like it will drown me (oohhh dramatic metaphors?  I like it). 

All this to say, I'M FREAKING OUT. 

How is your Tuesday evening going?

xo. Elise

Things I've Learned--Final

It's strange, to be here at this point.  I first wrote up the things I learned four years ago, after my first semester.  I remember writing it in the JSB, probably waiting for marketing or philosophy or my Book of Mormon class.  I remember feeling like I had learned so much, so many simple lessons, and I didn't want to forget any of them.  After every season of life, I felt the same way, so here we are, with me recording my last semester of lessons, as I study for my last college test of my career. 

I've learned that learning a language is hard, harder and more humbling than I expected.  I came in as a senior, a mini-expert on college and business, yet very few of those skills are transferrable when one of your teachers doesn't even speak English.  I learned that eating at a cafeteria isn't all bad, especially when they have bread every day.  I learned that I am still a fan of rice pudding.  I learned that daily (or mostly daily) walks are good for me because they are small adventures.  I've learned that chocolate chip cookies are really the thing I miss most about home, even amidst the land of excellent pastry.  I've learned that metros are nothing to be afraid of, and taking trains is also really not scary at all.  I've learned that you can become friends with people you have nothing really in common with, but it's ok.  I've learned what it's like to be with someone nearly 24/7 for 11 weeks, and this introvert survived just fine.  I learned that treadmills in km are the best.  I've learned that not having service for most of the day is actually really great.  I've learned to relax in a few things, but I have also learned what is important to me and what I am willing to fight for.  I've learned that I am more of a routine person than I expected, and brushing my teeth twice a day is very important to me.  I've learned to read books, even when I really don't want to finish them.  I've learned that you can actually communicate a lot, even though you don't speak the same language.  I've learned that what you do in high school actually does matter because those verb conjugations from years ago have helped.  I've learned I don't actually need plastic bags to grocery shop.  I've learned how to find the cheapest Coke.  I've learned how to plan trips and decide for myself what I want to do.  I've learned that you can survive on only three pairs of leggings.  I've learned that it is colder in Spain than I expected.  I've learned that when you are away from everyone, it can be lonely.  I've learned that sometimes you wish you hadn't left, but you are grateful for this season.  I've learned that I am proud of who I am, and I've learned that God is still there.  I've learned that the Spanish healthcare system is mildly horrible, but I can communicate if needed in Spanish.  I've learned that for me, the taste of Spain will be Diet Coke, oranges, and Milka Oreo bars.  I've learned Spanish Netflix is pretty cool. 

I could go on and on, per usual.  There are so many glimmers of life here that I don't want to forget, but I am also ready for this small chapter to be closed.  I came up with this whole study abroad idea last winter, when I was lonely and hurt and tired.  And I am grateful that I kept at it, researching and finding the right place for me.  I didn't need this adventure like I needed it last winter--the idea of it helped more than I can articulate.  However, I am so very grateful I've had it.  Spain is always going to have a little bit of me, and I don't even know how to write how beautiful I think that is.

xo. Elise

Trees + Forests

I had two Spanish presentations today, and do you know how incredible that is?  Literally two months ago, I could barely say ten words in Spanish.  And today I talked for twenty minutes in Spanish.  It is so hard to be content with the progress I've made because honestly, it always feels like I could do more...be more...know more!  I get frustrated with the things I forget and more annoyed with the things I don't know.  I reminded myself to take a step back from all of trees today and remember the forest.  My progress has been nothing short of miraculous, and I am not embarrassed to say that I am ridiculously proud of that.

I now see Madrid popping up everywhere these days.  Every company, every post, every thing seems to direct to Madrid, and oh my heart.  I love this city in a way that I didn't anticipate and didn't know I could love.  There is something sacred about it, in a way that is simple.  I have other cities and other loves, but sometimes it is for complicated reasons and deeply personal ways that I can't articulate.  But I flat out love Madrid for the simplicity of it's beauty.

Yesterday I was incredibly stressed and today I am feeling a little under the weather, but oh so happy to be here in this moment of life.  I have a few weeks left, and I am simultaneously never wanting to leave and wanting to be home right this minute.

xo. Elise

Slowing Down

Strange, isn't it?  I have three weeks left, yet I feel like my time in Spain is already done.  I was thinking about this season of life...it's been so good.  In a very quiet, but beautiful way.  It's not what I expected, and I'm still not sure how to process everything, but it's been good.

We are coming down to the finish line, realizing that we will only go into Madrid a couple of more times.  We are stressed with final projects and final exams.  I am worried about getting everything done, and let's not mention those shots I have to get on Thursday.

But throughout it all, I am grateful for these three months.  I wasn't sure I wanted them, back in January.  I wasn't sure I would be ok.  11.5 weeks seemed like a long time.  It still seems like a long time.  But I am happy to be still walking around this little town I really like and having the small routines that have made it just a good time.

When you say 'study abroad in Spain' I pictured a lot more beaches, warmer weather, and more colors?  Instead I got the nicest Spanish teachers, a new city to love, and a peace I didn't know I needed.

xo. Elise

Real Thursday Afternoon

I'm feeling off today.  It is rainy and windy, and I've already eaten a bag of popcorn for a snack I wasn't that hungry for.   The cream puffs at lunch were also very delicious.  I have attempted to research for an upcoming trip, but I can't bring myself to read past the first paragraphs of the five articles pulled up.  Yesterday was all orange, and walking, and loving the city.  Today is being stuck in my room because of bad weather with the threat of homework and running looming overhead.  

I never thought a study abroad would turn out quite this way, which is interesting in a strange way.  Four weeks left, and I'm not sure how I feel about that.  I feel fine, I think?  And then I look at the golden trees (the sun has come out for a quick break as it sets), and I am not sure what I think.  

I'm happy.  Someone told me that this was the happiest they had ever been in their life.  I think I have too much trepidation to let myself wholly go into delirium, but I'm happy.  It's a strange, can't quite pinpoint why, type of happiness.  I do my homework, daily.  I talk with the same ten people.  I think about the future, often.  I take walks.  I've never been a walker, or maybe I am, but it bubbles up when I have time.  I am focusing on tracking and counting and wishing.  There are some promises I've made to myself that are hard to keep, but I think they might be worthwhile in the long-run.   

My parents are set to take-off in 24 hours, and it will be strange to have my worlds collide.  It's been seven weeks, which somehow seems infinitely longer than 49 days.  

And throughout this whole thing, I am realizing that I am bored today. 

And that's all I got. 

xo. Elise 

365

I was looking at how long my hair has grown, and I think it is almost back to where it was when I cut it last February.  I remember I had take a selfie on that day, so I went back to my camera roll.

Last winter was hard and this picture was taken when I felt so fragile.  I learned after this season that waking up happy is something that isn't always constant.  It still feels like such a blessing when I wake up and feel joy. 

I looked at this picture I took yesterday, and I am really proud of myself.  I didn't handle myself perfectly last Winter semester, and there are so many things I wish I could change.  I wish I could just dump buckets of grace on myself and give myself a hug.  And maybe send myself a text saying that it was going to be ok.  I have a sense of fighting for this woman in the mirror.  I worked so hard to be her.  I worked hard to maintain my testimony, my sense of happiness, and my hope for the future.  I'm really proud of who I am.  A year ago, I didn't even really like myself.  There are still so many things I need to work on, but I am so grateful for the grace of God.  I put in all of the effort I could last winter, and God has overtaken everything else and made it spectacular.  By myself, it was mediocre at best.  My current life is just a miracle. 

xo. Elise

Missing + Liking

Missing:
-Cafe Rio, always
-Having an actual apartment with a living room and more than one desk chair to sit on
-Normal Diet Coke
-Sandwiches from Kneaders or Zupas
-Knowing what way is north
-Driving
-Being able to call anyone I love when ever I want, regardless of the time difference
-Being able to text anyone whenever, regardless of whether I have wifi

Liking:
-Spanish Netflix options.  Oh yeah.
-Walking to the grocery store.  It's just pleasant.
-The treadmills here. I could wax poetic about those treadmills in kilometers (so fast! so far!)
-Chocolate and churros.  Wow. 
-Not having to cook.  See also under: missing
-The warm weather.  Snow seems so exhausting.
-Bread is so good here.  Oh and oranges.  Yes.
-The public transportation system is so excellent
-Going to museums.  I really like museums. 

Regular Happy

I realized today that I had a lot of regular happy moments today.  I feel pressure to be BIG EXCITING HAPPY often.  Living in a foreign country on a study abroad has a lot of interesting moments, and that pressure is something I didn't really expect.  I'm living a normal, real life here.  A life with more school than I expected.  And to be honest, more Netflix.  I still feel pressure to live an 'Instagram-worthy' life every day, but I am pretty happy these days, so I'm just going to go with that and be ok with it. 

Regular happy things in my life: 

-Milka Oreo bars.  I have a real problem, I will fully admit it.  You can even get them in the states, but man, here they are so much cheaper and SO GOOD. 

-The fact that Spanish hot chocolate is really like hot fudge.  The best. 

-Sharing a bench with a little old lady today. 

-The treadmills in the gym that measure everything in kilometers so I feel like I'm going faster and farther.

-Walking back from class.  Such a simple thing, but I some of the strongest memories I have of college is walking back from class.  And I like it. 

-Wearing clogs to class.  Oh and French-braiding my hair the night before.  Oh and having my hair grow long again. 

-My roommate and I deciding what movies we watch every day and talking about them. 

-Chatting over meals with everyone on our study abroad.  Interesting because I haven't eaten dinner with people on a regular basis in a really long time.  

-My mostly daily walks.  I just like wandering.  

xo. Elise 

Washing Dishes

My dad sent a quote that I can't get out of my mind.

"If while washing dishes, we think only of the cup of tea that awaits us, this hurrying to get the dishes out of the way as if they were a nuisance, then we are not 'washing the dishes to wash the dishes.'  What's more, we are not alive during the time we are washing the dishes.  In fact, we are completely in capable of realizing the miracle of life while standing at the sink.  If we can't wash the dishes, chances are we won't be able to drink our tea either.  While drinking the cup of tea, we will only be thinking of other things, barely aware of the cup in our hands.  Thus we are sucked away into the future and we are incapable of actually living one minute of life." Thich Nhat Hanh

Another quote I have pinned on my board:

"For just one second, look at your life and see how perfect it is.  Stop looking for the next secret door that is going to lead you to your real life.  stop waiting.  This is it.  There's nothing else.  It's here, and you'd better decide to enjoy it or you're going to be miserable, wherever you go, for the rest of your life, forever." Lev Grossman

I wouldn't really ever consider myself a patient person, and this current stage is requiring a lot of patience for a lot of reason.

I wouldn't equate living in Spain to the drudgery of washing dishes, but I keep reminding myself to "wash the dishes."  I think about when I was little, and Anne and I would blast music while washing dishes.  I wouldn't say that washing dishes was the highlight of my day, but looking back, that's some of my favorite memories.

So, focusing on simply washing the dishes.  The cup of tea will come, but sometimes singing along to High School Musical while loading the dishes is even better than expected.

Una galleta de chocolate

I felt isolated today, singularly alone in this country so far from everything familiar.  I can't seem to write about today in a way that does it justice, but I went on a walk.  I'm learning to love walking up and down the streets, with no real destination.  The cathedral was open today, and when I went inside, I learned you could pay tres euros subir la torre (pay three euros to go up to the tower).  To be frank, I thought this Cathedral was rather expensive, but whatever.  The tour guide guy walked me over to a door, opened it to show a staircase, and left me to start climbing.  I haven't ever climbed a tower with no one else there.  I got a little dizzy and my legs were tired, but it was such a moment.  The stairs just kept circling and going.  I got to one level, and was a little disenchanted with the view that was blocked with bells and railings.  In the corner, there was a little wooden staircase that finally took me all of the way up.  Since I got to Alcala, I've been wanting to see it from an aerial perspective.  It was beautiful.  It snowed today, which doesn't happen often.  The hills were white and the roofs were red.  I had a good talk with God, to reorient myself a little.  

I have so much time to think these days, and I am learning when you have time to think, you can act instead of react.  So, I'm working on the acting, not just reacting.  

One the way home, I stopped and bought a chocolate chip cookie--honestly one thing I have been missing.  

I keep wondering why I travel.  This secret little adventure helped me remember.  I travel because at one point, you will pay 3 euros to climb a bunch of stairs and stand, all by yourself, in a cathedral tower and enjoy the view.  It isn't the big tourist moments that always matter, but this day, so full of red and milk chocolate chips will be a small reason.  

xo. Elise 

Currently

Making: excuses to eat more of my Oreo Milka bar
Cooking: hahahahaahahahahahaahahahahhaahaha
Drinking: Coca-cola ligggghhhhttt (European for Diet Coke?  But it's not the same).  
Reading: rereading the Gallagher Academy series because I'm 14.  
Wanting: my cold to go away...
Looking: for the dress.  I want to buy a dress while I'm in Spain, but it has to be the one. 
Playing: Reputation still.  
Wasting: time on Netflix.
Wishing: Spanish was easier to learn, tbh
Enjoying: my walks around my town
Waiting: for my hair to try
Liking: this gray sweater I got right before I left
Wondering: what real life will be like after the play button is pressed again
Loving: how it's already spring 
Hoping: that I can ride this current wave of inadequacy
Marveling: at how much I miss the simple things.

Needing: to read a really good book.
Smelling: not much lately because of the aforementioned cold.  Although Alcala does have a distinctive smell...I just don't know what it is.
Wearing: my new Alcalinga de Henares sweatshirt
Following: more like unfollowing everything that bugs me.
Noticing: That my Spanish is slowly (so slowly!) coming along.
Knowing: That patience is not my strength, but I'm working on it anyway
Thinking: About the new places I want to see in Madrid
Bookmarking: Cookies to make when I'm home
Opening: myself up to failing.  Which is dang hard for this girl.
Giggling: over our mishaps throughout Spain.
Feeling: so content about the really little things in my life. 

xo. Elise 

In the Deep End Again

I've been living on happiness highs for the past couple of years.  I feel like I have worked so hard in certain areas, and I have felt the reward.  I have found very few things as satisfying as working hard towards a goal, and then feeling the accomplishment that comes with that.

Here in Spain, it's a quieter happiness.  Walking around the plaza, buying yet another gray sweatshirt for my collection, laughing with my friends at lunch.  These are all simple parts of my day.  I sometimes miss the flashy happiness.  The kind that is so intense and hard, but feels so good.

For the first time in a few years, I feel truly out of my depth.  I am taking an art class and bumbling my way through two hours of Spanish class every day.  I got frustrated with myself today because I felt limited.  I have worked so hard to streamline my life.  I sometimes joke that I have sold my soul to the capitalistic machine, but honestly, I feel like the legitimacy I've worked so hard to earn is wasted in this stage of life.

Which is fine?  I know it's good, but it's startling to be swimming in the deep end again.  And yes, my day is as drastic as feeling so content, but then also confronted with so many insecurities.

Today was a good day.  And today was a hard day.

xo. Elise

Hitting My Stride

I had a moment yesterday where I finally felt like I was hitting my stride.  I still have moments where I'm in shock that I'm in Spain.  I mean, what?  Is this my actual real life?  I miss peanut butter, superstores, and normal Diet Coke, but this life here, right now?  It's pretty good.

For my A.P. English test in high school, we analyzed the poem, "A Blessing," by James Wright.  The last few lines have always stuck with me...

"Suddenly I realize that I if I stepped out of my body, I would break into blossom."

Map of My Heart

When I was 16, my mom gave me a picture of heart-shaped maps of all of the places important to me.  It has New York, Indianapolis, Park City, Arizona, etc.  I remember looking at those places that held my heart and how it captured who I was at that time.  I seldom think about Indianapolis anymore, the trip when I was 16 seems so long ago. 

All this to say, it's strange to think about the places that have my heart now.  West Chester, Provo, Huntsville, Spain, Switzerland, India, Scottsdale.  I couldn't have guessed these places would have an impact on me, yet here we are. 

I was walking back from the grocery store, with a Diet Coke and (what I think are?) dryer sheets.  I know my way back from the grocery store, no problem.  But it's still strange to think that this is home.  I sometimes feel bad that it's sometimes hard here.  I mean, I am living in a fairytale town with only 12 credits.  I'm still homesick a lot of the time, but I am working on practicing grace (often!!) 

This isn't the most eloquent or positive thing I've written, but I guess I mostly am writing to say, hey, I'm living in Spain!  And that is still such a strange fact to me! 

Mi Espanol es mejorando todos los dias. 

xo. Elise

New Yellow Coat

It's strange to be here, in Spain and far away from everything.  And everyone.  In some ways, it's exciting.  We were walking around Madrid yesterday and it is breathtaking.  I didn't expect it to be as beautiful as it is.  It was surprising and heartening. 

As I navigated the trains and the metro, I couldn't help but feel that I've taken on the world.  You know?  I moved by myself across the country, went to NYC, traveled around the world, moved to a new country.  Yesterday, I honestly wondered what there could be left.  Not left to see in the world because there is so much of that, but more of I did it.  I've become capable and competent and a world traveler.  I didn't know that had been a secret goal of mine for so long, but here it is.  And I successfully did it. 

And then there are times where it is haaarrrdddd.  I have such fear about wasting this time.  About failing.  Wasting money.  Not being successful.  Oh wait, already said that. I feel pressure to learn Spanish.  Become fluent!  In my naive dreams, I had hopes for that, but I continually talk to people where I realize that probably won't happen.  Which is disheartening, and makes me panic.  Am I spending all of this money, missing the people I love, not being at BYU for one more semester to become half decent at a language I have no hope of learning?  Yes, this is what goes through my mind as I struggle to pronounce ordenador again. 

I walked to the store today for the express purpose to buy a yellow coat I saw yesterday in a clothing store.  I picked up cough drops and found the equivalent of the TJ Maxx sans clothes today.  I realized I was familiar with that routine to become comfortable.  Find a place to go back to, to shop, to buy something. 

In any case, me gusta mi nuevo amarillo capa.