4 Years

I just want to take a moment to recap college.  Lol, can't actually do that in one blogpost, but wow, such a happy four years for me.  I was so excited about college. It is something you work towards for the longest time, and I am happy to report it is even better than I imagined.  I remember after my first semester being in shock that life could be that good.  That college was better than everyone said.  That it would be so much fun.  The day my parents left me at BYU, I walked around campus, and I walked to the Tanner Building.  I was limping because of my half marathon the day before, but I opened the doors, and there was just a whoosh of air.  I have always loved that building.  There are fountains on nearly every floor and an entire roof full of windows.  It always seems just a little bit warmer, and I think it reminds me of the National Gallery in D.C., and I just love it.  I started walking down the stairs, and I just felt like my dreams were going to come true.  Such a small memory, one where I was mostly freaking out about the fact that my parents had actually left, but there was so much promise in that blue building. 

I took a moment on Friday to go back there and just feel the power there.  It's humbling to think about what has happened over the past four years.  So many aspects of my life are normal now, that I forget the miracles.  I truly felt such happiness and truly felt despair.  I didn't know I could feel that perfect or feel that hopeless.  I didn't know I could make such good friends and then be strangers in a few months.  I didn't know that I could function on that little sleep.  I didn't know that I was actually really great at throwing parties or making slide decks or baking chocolate chip cookies. 

I didn't know I would graduate college having visited 21 countries.  I didn't know that I would receive a full-ride scholarship that would dictate my full-time job (or what I did with my summer vacations).  I didn't know I would have four internships and participate in two study abroads.  I didn't know I would actually go and work on a development project.  I didn't know I would run nine half marathons.  I didn't know I would compete in four case competitions.  I didn't know I would get into the program of my dreams.  I didn't know I would say goodbye over and over again to basically every friend I made, but then I would keep making such good friends along the way. 

In the wake of graduation, I have been struggling to find purpose or success in my college experience.  What did all of it even really mean?  Why did I work so hard, and in a lot of ways, sacrifice so much (including my peace of mind)?  Was it worth it?  What did I even really do?  I don't have a life-plan, five year plan, or three month plan and that puts me characteristically out of control. 

I am working on practicing grace and giving myself time to figure out the answers.  I have taken hundreds of quizzes, dozens of tests, and submitted innumerable assignments.  I have lost hundreds of hours of sleep and made too many presentations.  I have read thousands of pages and typed too many essays.  I have learned about dynamic capabilities and how pine trees reproduce and transitional justice theory.  The investment in college is staggering.  I can't comprehend how much I have learned and changed, both inside and outside of the classroom. 

And when I look back on these four years, if I were to draw up a 'Top Ten Lessons I learned in College' list, I realized that there is one thing that would literally alternate every singe lesson.  God. is. there. for. you. 

This has been the biggest question of my college career.  The question I grapple with late at night, early in the morning, and over my lunch break.  It is the prayer I chant when I am scared or worried.  It is what I search the scriptures for and keep my eyes open for when I am looking for tender mercies.  It is the prayer I sob in the temple parking lot and what I write in my journal. 

I am not perfect in my belief or my faith.  It still is shaky in my feeble execution and practice.  But, above everything else, I have learned that God is there. 

Uganda!

Last winter, I knew I had a gap semester, and so I decided to just fit everything in and travel everywhere I could, and that is more or less how I ended up sitting on a couch by myself in Uganda.

I am currently writing this to stave off a complete meltdown because I am definitely looking around wondering how I ended up here.  I mean, I know how I ended up here, but you know what I mean.  Who flies to Uganda by themselves to spend two weeks more or less alone?

I guess I do?  A part of me is still truly wondering what on earth I was thinking.  The other part of me thinks this is kind of cool.  And the last part of me is still trying to breath deeply and keep calm because this truly is a unique experience that is cool/will hopefully help on some level.  Another small part of me knows that if I didn't do this, I would have always wondered a little about that one opportunity I had to go to Uganda and didn't take it.

And what is Uganda like?  Based on my exhausted view, it looks exactly like how you would imagine.  It is beautiful though...red dirt and green everywhere.  We went to church today where I feel asleep (I feel a little bad about that, but also I was barely functioning).  I am obsessive about bug spray and sunscreen at this point.  I forgot to bring towels and those long-sleeve shirts I wanted to sleep in (yepppp.  It's been a real treat figuring out what I was thinking when I was packing).

We came back from church and I took a two hour nap, and I'm feeling a lot better.  Already looking forward to sleeping later tonight, but it's fine.  My host also has a security friend who stops by, mostly to babysit me when she had to go grocery shopping.  I haven't had a babysitter in a long time, but I appreciate it.  As a white person in Utah, I haven't really understood what it's like to stand out because of my race, but here I am getting the slightest glimpse of that.

I was also very worried about meeting at the airport, but I felt better and better about that situation as my flight went on.  There were two other planes that got in at my same time, full of other Europeans and Americans who were checking in.  I had to wait an hour to get my electronic visa accepted (people who decided to wait and get their visa had to wait ten minutes?)  My bag was perfectly fine, thankfully, and I got everything I needed.

Has all of this been random enough for you?  Haha, but as I keep telling myself, I can handle two weeks.

xo. Elise

Me, right in the car after getting picked up! 

Things I've Learned--Final

It's strange, to be here at this point.  I first wrote up the things I learned four years ago, after my first semester.  I remember writing it in the JSB, probably waiting for marketing or philosophy or my Book of Mormon class.  I remember feeling like I had learned so much, so many simple lessons, and I didn't want to forget any of them.  After every season of life, I felt the same way, so here we are, with me recording my last semester of lessons, as I study for my last college test of my career. 

I've learned that learning a language is hard, harder and more humbling than I expected.  I came in as a senior, a mini-expert on college and business, yet very few of those skills are transferrable when one of your teachers doesn't even speak English.  I learned that eating at a cafeteria isn't all bad, especially when they have bread every day.  I learned that I am still a fan of rice pudding.  I learned that daily (or mostly daily) walks are good for me because they are small adventures.  I've learned that chocolate chip cookies are really the thing I miss most about home, even amidst the land of excellent pastry.  I've learned that metros are nothing to be afraid of, and taking trains is also really not scary at all.  I've learned that you can become friends with people you have nothing really in common with, but it's ok.  I've learned what it's like to be with someone nearly 24/7 for 11 weeks, and this introvert survived just fine.  I learned that treadmills in km are the best.  I've learned that not having service for most of the day is actually really great.  I've learned to relax in a few things, but I have also learned what is important to me and what I am willing to fight for.  I've learned that I am more of a routine person than I expected, and brushing my teeth twice a day is very important to me.  I've learned to read books, even when I really don't want to finish them.  I've learned that you can actually communicate a lot, even though you don't speak the same language.  I've learned that what you do in high school actually does matter because those verb conjugations from years ago have helped.  I've learned I don't actually need plastic bags to grocery shop.  I've learned how to find the cheapest Coke.  I've learned how to plan trips and decide for myself what I want to do.  I've learned that you can survive on only three pairs of leggings.  I've learned that it is colder in Spain than I expected.  I've learned that when you are away from everyone, it can be lonely.  I've learned that sometimes you wish you hadn't left, but you are grateful for this season.  I've learned that I am proud of who I am, and I've learned that God is still there.  I've learned that the Spanish healthcare system is mildly horrible, but I can communicate if needed in Spanish.  I've learned that for me, the taste of Spain will be Diet Coke, oranges, and Milka Oreo bars.  I've learned Spanish Netflix is pretty cool. 

I could go on and on, per usual.  There are so many glimmers of life here that I don't want to forget, but I am also ready for this small chapter to be closed.  I came up with this whole study abroad idea last winter, when I was lonely and hurt and tired.  And I am grateful that I kept at it, researching and finding the right place for me.  I didn't need this adventure like I needed it last winter--the idea of it helped more than I can articulate.  However, I am so very grateful I've had it.  Spain is always going to have a little bit of me, and I don't even know how to write how beautiful I think that is.

xo. Elise

Happy, Free, Confused Lessons

Before I get nostalgic for 2017 and my 21st year (that's tomorrow, so get excited), I wanted to write 10 more lessons that I learned being a 21 year old.  My first ten lessons were written when I felt like I was finally coming back into myself.  And I am really grateful to feel like this year ended on a high note.  That is actually really special.  So, 10 more lessons I learned being a 21 year old. 

1.  I am big into traditions, and a couple of weeks ago I realized I didn't do half of my 'traditions'.  I didn't get pumpkin waffles at Waffle Love, I didn't make banana bread on the first snowfall.  I didn't eat my pomegranate yogurt on the last day of class.  (Um, all of my traditions have to do with food?).  I didn't hike the Y or have a General Conference breakfast party.  All of these things I used to do, and I just didn't this year.  But I made a lot of new traditions, like going to Cafe Rio or getting Costco hot dogs.  I guess I learned that new definitions of yourself are important.  And it was a good reminder to me to be a little bit more flexible in what could be considered fun.
2.  I learned God is there.  I sometimes feel like my testimony is constantly on this cycle of figuring this out, but this year I hit a new low.  And I am not sure I can convey the state of emergency that I felt I was in.  There are a couple days in particular, that I felt like I was at the edge.  Part of me was screaming, look, I am in so much pain that I don't need to believe in a God who isn't there.  When I write that, it seems dramatic and bizarre.  But I love this story because God is there.  He. Is. There.  I am not always sure why or how or where or any of that, but I do know He is there.  And I am so grateful for that.
3.  I learned that answers to prayers, no, not prayers, that's not right.  I learned that God's plan is really revealed one step at a time and that He can truly change our hearts.  I have seen a change in my life, over this past semester and over this past year.  And I am grateful for it.  Because sometimes you think you are going to be stuck, tired and unsatisfied forever.  But God is a God of change, that's what the Atonement and the Plan of Happiness is all about.
4. I realized that I am a really good friend.  And a good celebrator.  Honestly, this can be a hard thing, a lesson I learned this year.  I have felt abandoned and left by people I had given my deepest trust.  But I am also proud how I continue to celebrate people and continue to invest in those around me.  My mom told me that I take after my Grandma--she was a big celebrator.  And honestly?  I will gladly carry that legacy, even if it is sometimes hurtful.  And it makes me happy to continue to try to be like Christ and be a good friend.  I think it is a worthy cause. 
5. I realized that I am not super great at working in group projects.  I always thought I was good at it?  But I'm really not.  And we are all relieved that I am done with this semester (with 4 group projects!).  It was a good lesson though, and something I need to be aware of heading into my career. 
6.  God gives us what we pray for and sincerely hope for.  He isn't petty, even though I sometimes try to figure out His plan through my petty and insecure head.  It is worth hanging up the boxing gloves when dealing with Heavenly Father because He really knows what He is doing.
7.  I really like learning, and I'm really happy I had such a positive experience at BYU.  This is an important trait for me to learn because I need to be conscious of it going forward.  I realized that even if work is incredibly boring, I can still learn from it.  That is helpful to remember.
8.  I learned it is incredibly rewarding to make decisions based on what is best for Elise.  I am such an outsourcer and a researcher and an opinion-asker.  This is helpful when buying shoes?  But for my life decisions?  I can make my own decisions, and I can do it confidently.  For me, this has meant planning a trip, saying no to a relationship, choosing a study abroad, and accepting a full-time job offer.  All of these decisions have caused a lot of stress and worry, but I am proud of the life I am creating. 
9. I realized I have enough grit to crawl out of some pretty terrible months.  I realized I have it in me to be happy again, and that is pretty cool to me.  Being happy takes so much work, but I am proud of myself for working towards it, purposefully and often.
10.  This world is beautiful and it is full of so much.  New York City, Prince Edward Island, St. George, Palm Springs, Washington D.C., even West Chester.  All of these places are out there full of good food and sunshine and that is just beautiful to me.  It's out there to see, with different sunsets and late nights and weird smells and traffic and I love it. 
10.5  I keep learning this, but good people keep coming, and some really great people, stay for the whole thing.  I feel so in debt to the people who stuck with me, even though I was struggling.  And I am so grateful to the people who let me in, even though I was still a little fragile and wildly unsure.  And I just think that's beautiful too.  Good people. 

xo. Elise

A Thousand Thanks

As this year (truly a difficult one) comes to a close, and as my college experience ends (truly a miraculous one), I have one feeling that I come back to, again and again--grateful.  Grateful for this year that has taught me so much and has changed me in so many ways.  Grateful for the people in my life who have welcomed me into their lives. Grateful for a family that sticks with me, even when I am fragile and angry.  Grateful for future opportunities that are on my way.  Grateful for a God who is still with me, even though I have fought with him way too much.  Grateful for this season to end, even though the beginning has been so good. 

And overall?  I am just grateful.  It is a good feeling to be grateful in so many ways.  I feel like I am getting into a sun-warmed car after a freezing office.  It just feels so good.  There is a lightness and a warmness in my life that...I am just grateful for. 

I feel like an era is truly ending, but still, a thousand thanks. 

xo. Elise

And then there was one...

I actually feel really good about my final today.  So I'm not going to check the score until after my birthday because why ruin a good feeling. 

This week is full of lasts and full of people who I want to see before I leave and full of stress, hoping I can fit everything into my car when I drive away.

In any case, I am feeling a smidge better about my future.  About the whole leaving thing.  About the whole new definition of Elise thing.  I have been thinking and praying a lot about timing in life, and what it means for me.  I still feel very much like the sophomore who was working so incredibly hard to get into the strategy program.  And here I am, almost a successful graduate.  The past couple of years flew by, yet crawled? 

And now I'm leaving for Spain in 22 days (WOW).  And I have one final left. 

In any case, I'm happy right now.  And it feels like such a stark contrast when I wasn't sure I was going to feel happy in a really long time. 

xo. Elise

Happy Finals

Happy finals week where Elise suddenly becomes overzealous in documenting her life and writing because it is much better than the alternative of studying. 

Tonight has consisted of me studying, making banana bread, getting up fifty times to check the banana bread, going to the bathroom fifty times because of my obligatory celebration Swig, and then studying again, kind of. 

It's been a good day, but also a crazy day.  Finals is so interesting because you want to celebrate Christmas and maybe go outside, but instead you sit all day and study.  It's ok and then it's not ok and overall you're kind of bored.  But also strangely cherishing this time when you get to study.  There is some amount of relish in being solely responsible for that.  And it makes me happy. 

In any case, happy finals.  I will no doubt see you tomorrow. 

xo. Elise

Things I've Learned X

Today has, wow, been a day.  Honestly, I wouldn't have wanted my last day as an undergrad to be any different.  I went to my strategy class, hung out with my strategy friends all day, saw my mom, went finals snack shopping with Alesha.  I felt like I belonged in the strategy program.  People were so nice.  People are so nice.  And honestly?  BYU is so much better than I could have ever planned.  And that is saying something because I planned everything out and had such great plans.  My dreams have honestly been exceeded.  But onto the things I've learned, because it's been a good semester.

I've learned that the LSAT is something you actually really need to study for.  I've learned Communal and Black Sheep Cafe are delicious, but even better when someone else is paying for them.  I've learned that sometimes you do cry in the temple parking lot, and that sometimes things hurt deeply, no way to minimize that.  I've learned that sometimes people are just rude, even when you try your best to do exactly what they want.  I've learned that even though you may have been accepted into the strategy program and you are all seniors, doesn't mean that your group is going to be good.  I've learned that I am someone who is to be reckoned with, a feeling that I still hesitate to own, but I want to do a better job owning that.  I've learned that some people are so welcoming, it makes me want to cry.  I've learned you can make friends out of people you didn't used to like, or rather, know very well.  I've learned that you can sometimes make a lot of plans, really good plans, but things don't always work out.  I've learned that God is very different than I thought.  I always thought it was easy to live the Gospel, but I'm learning it takes a lot more work than people seem to have told me.  I've learned being grateful is a good place to be.  I've learned that being obnoxiously faithful is important.  I've learned that some people just sync with what you know and that is a good place to be.  You can talk forever and all be on the same wavelength.  I've learned that you really have to work hard on friendships.  I've learned that some people are worth keeping in your life, and other people it's ok to keep them a little farther away.  I've learned that doing two half marathons really isn't a good idea, but guess what?  I'll probably do it again next year.  I've learned that there are really small reasons to be ok with a decision, and sometimes those small decisions actually make the biggest difference.  I've learned what it feels like to be fragile.  I've learned what it's like to visit my mom and see her on campus three times a week.  I've learned what it's like to have a Christmas tree up since October.  I've learned that sleep, although shouldn't be optional, can definitely be limited.  I've learned that leggings are really great to wear, honestly.  I've learned a jean jacket is a good investment for me.  I've learned that there might be a life after school, which completely freaks me out.  I've realized that God is so much merciful than I give Him credit for.  I've learned my hair does grow long and fast.  I've learned that you can recover from a really bitter, small, scared, exhausted state and be happy.  I've learned that you need to surround yourself with people who remind you to play and to laugh.  I've learned that Cafe Rio is great and Swig is a necessary.  I've learned four group projects are the worst, but if you can, be in a group with all accountants.  I've learned that just because you don't get the job, doesn't mean that you are not enough.  I've learned that sometimes you make the best plans, but it's still scary and you still can dread, but you also are feeling more faith than you have in a long time. 

Gosh, I have so loved these past three years. 

xo. Elise

Half-Baked

A little starved for conversation over here, thank you very much, thus a stream of consciousness is coming your way.

I got back from a weekend in New York, and I decided I was ready to go home.  Not because I wanted to retreat back to my parents house (hello, what I've been wanting to do all summer), but because I was ready to live real life again.  This past weekend I was with people doing similar things, believed similar things, there were guys I could date.  It made me miss BYU fiercely, something that I haven't necessarily done in a while.  It made me miss being in college, while at the same time freaking me out about the future.  I'm scared that next semester will be hard in a way last semester was.  I'm scared about post-grad.  If BYU is so much fun and working full-time is so not as fun, then what?  Fears regardless, I was thinking, yep, very ready to go home.  I've been here for 5 weeks (and please, no one say, wow 5 weeks already that's gone so fast!  Every day has been felt, people).  And that's halfway and I'm thinking COOL.  This adventure has been good.  I've forgiven people, gotten some distance from last semester, I'm ready to go back.

In the wise part of my heart, I know that I would be going home only halfway done.  I wouldn't be done with this summer.  I feel a little silly typing this because so many other people have internships, and there is no way that a summer job means this much, right?  But, I can't help but feel like this summer is so very purposeful.  And not just 5 weeks purposeful but the whole freaking 10 weeks purposeful.  I came back from this weekend where I actually had friends and wondered why I was here...where I have some casual lunch buddies.

And I couldn't help but feel that I need this time to be by myself.  I'm not sure why, but that feeling is there.  I need to be here to give myself some space.  I need to give my brain and my heart some time to think about where I was going and what I want.  There have been so many surprising thoughts since moving out here.  There have been a lot of ideas that I didn't consider possible.  There have been feelings and emotions and shifts that I know need to happen.

And even though an internship may be happening to a lot of other people, only one internship is happening in PA to a girl from UT.  And God is the most purposeful Being I know of.  And if I feel like this is an important and critical place in my life, that it most certainly is.

So, I'm not going to buy a plane ticket home.  I'm not going to runaway to New York or Iceland or Utah.  I'll stay here for 26 more working days and 37 normal days (psh I mean who is even counting 🙋🏻)

Xo. Elise

Halfway and a happy birthday

Today was my half birthday and all I'm saying is my 21st year is not going the way I expected.  It may be cheesy and naive, but I always pictured this year just being golden.  And even though it was technically my golden birthday, this year has not been golden.  It's been full of things that have caught me off guard.

A few things I've learned in the past six months since I had the best Cuban sandwich of my life and blew out my candles over cheesecake:

1. I have gotten so used to people having very purposeful exits in my life, usually marked by literal farewells and goodbye hugs.  I've learned that a lot of people in your life leave, and you didn't expect it.  I've gotten used to saying goodbye, but I've had the luxury of always knowing it was happening.  This past year, I've said goodbye a lot (again) but it happened before I even realized it.  And I've learned I need to be more ok with that.
2.  I've learned that grief is a very physical reaction.  I remember that day in February when I started crying, immediately.  And then I talked on the phone to a group member about a project.  I went and got dinner and almost started crying because they no longer had cherry flavoring for my shake.  And then that night I was reading for my Organizational Behavior class, and I was so cold.  I was just cold to my bones.  And I didn't know that life could be so absolutely normal and absolutely freezing at the same time.
3.  I've learned that my testimony truly is a lense in which I view my life. Even when my faith could be better or I could be living the Gospel more fully, I view my life through God's hand in my life.  It hasn't always been like that, but I'm proud of that thought process.
4. Being nice does not always have an immediate return on investment.  There have been a lot of text messages I've sent that haven't had a response.  A lot of thank you notes sent.  A lot of prayers sent.  A lot of follow up conversations.  And in a lot of ways, it seems like I kept putting forth effort with not a whole lot of feedback.  But ever since this summer has started, I have felt so many things come back tenfold.  And no, those text messages still haven't been responded to and the follow up conversations aren't always two-sided.  But in so many other ways, I have felt the kindness of so many near-strangers.  People have invited me over for dinner, they have asked about my favorite music, and they have listened to me talk about BYU and the people I love.  And so maybe I've really just learned that the return on my kindness investment is different than I expected, but exactly what I needed.
5. Just because you are part of a group, doesn't mean you have to be going where the group is headed.  I think this quote sums it up for me: "I was part of the strange race of people aptly described as spending their lives doing things they detest, to make money they don't want, to buy things they don't need, to impress people they don't like." -Emile Gauvreau.   When I read this quote, it stopped me in my tracks.  In some ways it feels more like the motto of the business school.  But going forward, I don't want to be going with the group just so I can make a lot of money that will impress the group.  I want to be better than that.  I want to be more thoughtful than that.
6.  Sometimes a haircut is just a haircut but sometimes it's a testament to change, to God, and to an identity crisis.  And that's an important thing to recognize as you Google how to grow your hair quickly.
7.  You need to do what you need to do to make your life comfortable.  I think we sometimes assume we can make do with what we have.  (Which is exactly why I lived with the fridge light for two years).  But sometimes you buy the coconut syrup and command hooks to hang your favorite baseball cap.  This can also include saying no to being social or hanging out with people.  This also includes going to bed before you've finished your to-do list.  There isn't a prize for enduring life in the most inconvenient way.
8.  I'm not very good at this yet, but I'm learning to not doubt myself as much.  As a member of the church, I want so desperately to be constantly in tune with the Spirit and receive confirmation of my decisions.  I want that verification and feedback (maybe it's just because I'm a millennial, who knows?)  I kind of assumed that if I lived 'righteously' enough, then I wouldn't doubt my spiritual decisions.  I've learned that's not true.  I finally had closure on a decision I made months ago, and I finally feel wholly and completely good about it.  I learned that yes, I made the decision what seems like forever ago, but I didn't know whether it was the right one until just now.  But that doesn't mean it's the wrong one.  Sometimes we really just have to trust ourselves, and trust that if we are listening, God will guide us.  And that's a powerful reminder to me as I enter a season of a lot of decisions.
9. It's ok to feel like all you're giving is your bare minimum, because, to be quite frank, it's not your bare minimum.   Unless all you do is get up and breath, you are doing more than you bare minimum.  If you talk on the phone with your family, finish homework on time, and make guacamole for dinner, you are doing more than the bare minimum.  You are connecting with the people in your life, furthering your education, and feeding yourself some healthy fats and comfort food.  All of this is better than just breathing and feeling sorry for yourself.  There have been a lot of days where I felt like I was barely giving forth my best effort, but I was actually still praying, reading my scriptures, and saying hi.  And I was in that rut for a very, very long time.  And I still accomplished a lot that I can be proud of.
10.  I am still unpacking this, but when you have not been ok for a long time, you really have to give yourself permission to be ok again.  You have to remind yourself it's ok to laugh.  You have to be ok with...being ok again.  And some days are just plain good.  And there is nothing wrong with having a good day.  Getting to a better and happier place doesn't undermine the difficult things you went through, and it doesn't undermine the difficult things that you are still going through.  A part of me thinks that if I say, wow, I actually had a good day today, that I don't have permission to have bad days.  I have started to just feel like I had to be in a bad place, every day, in order to justify my feelings.  And nope, that's not how it works.  You can be good and bad and ok and horrible and content and hopeful and crying all in the same breath (I mean it's exhausting for my poor parents on the other end of the phone).  That is probably the epitome of the human experience, and aren't we grateful we get to experience the whole spectrum?
10.5 Hope is a powerful thing, and that's why being hopeful is still worth the investment.

Purgatory

I joked with my parents that sometimes Pennsylvania feels like my very own personal purgatory.  Looking back, it's a little weird how many times I've been here for various reasons.  Family vacation, a high school scholarship contest, my first internship.  The commitment continues to get longer, and now I'm here for 10 weeks (just recounted on the calendar and it is only 10 weeks!!!!!!).

The first definition that pops up when you look up purgatory is "a place or state of suffering inhabited by the souls of sinners who are expiating their sins before going to heaven."

Chuckled over that one, going to be honest.

The second definition is "having the quality of cleansing or purifying."

Ok, that's better.  

I was driving back from church today and was reflecting on what I learned.  I'm trying to do a better job of being conscious about what I'm learning, whether it's in church or in scripture study.  I don't really remember much about the talks.  Or the lessons.  Or really anything other than the fact that I was fully aware I had a deer in the headlights look on my face, with the humidity curling my hair, and my dress that I wondered if it looked 'too Utah', you know?

And I realized I didn't necessarily learn anything, but going to church today was a huge, "hey Heavenly Father I don't know why I seem to be stuck in purgatory (see def 2), but I'm here, and to be honest, that's all I got."

I guess I do remember one thing someone said today, and that was in order to grow faith, we need to exercise faith.

I have always wanted to be someone who just *has* faith.  Someone who wakes up in the morning and has the strength and vitality of someone who believes in the good.  I don't know if I am ruled by fear or by certainty, but faith has always seemed to be a hill I keep climbing.

And now, sitting in my dorm room that smells like wet dog from the rain and the mini-fridge that doesn't hold enough strawberries, this whole 10 week commitment seems like too much.  This is usually where I would supply a qualifier about how I have the perspective that things are going to get better, and I can't judge a summer based off of three days.  But those things are usually said to justify my complaining and acknowledge that life isn't actually as bad as it sometimes feels when you're perched in a dorm room that still smells like wet dog.

But qualifier regardless, this is a hard time.  And it's been a hard season for a while.  And it's difficult to be in a place where going home is hard and staying here is hard.

And regardless of how the next 68 day turn out, I am starting from a place where this is really just an offering of faith to my Heavenly Father.  I have so many good hopes and dreams that I want for my future, and let me tell you, when you're in a hard place, it's difficult to have faith that any of those will come into fruition.

In a lot of ways, I kind of like the first definition and that PA is the place to be right before heaven in my life.   But even if heaven isn't coming my way, I'm still looking up.  And I'm still expecting good things to come.

xo. Elise

Perfect Recipe

When I first moved into this apartment, I was convinced that I had made the biggest mistake.  I thought the location was bad.  I was worried about hating living with Alesha.  I was worried about my job.  The apartment was filthy and I was fairly certain I was going to hate my ward.

And now, two years later and I cried saying goodbye to Alesha.

I think it's fitting that I am the last one to leave, I mean after all, I was the first one to move in.

I hope the girls that live here next laugh a lot.  I hope one of them continually does somersaults of the bed, making a sound like an old grandpa, when trying to turn the light out.  I hope that the blinds are continually open, and that the girls say on a daily basis, I'm sure no one can see in, right?  I hope that for at least one semester, everyone in the apartment has 8 a.m. classes or work, but they get up at 7:30 to get ready because they are that low-maintenance.  I hope that the girls throw parties and go to extreme lengths to maintain a theme that no one seems to ever fully appreciate.  I hope that the girls look at their BWN (back-window neighbors), see Taco Bell, and have to get it themselves.  I hope that one of them has a blue car called Tiffany that is the designated driver (but not in the drunk way :).  I hope the girls that live here hang lots of pictures that they have memorized by the end of the year.  I hope they have controversial home decor, like the book Sex and World Peace and the 'Don't Text Him' cross-stitch.  I hope they have two Kitchenaids, because why not, you know?  I hope they have people over every night in the summer time, watching movies and making cookies in 13 minutes.  I hope they have 'bum-shaking' time in the kitchen-dancing to Timber like nobody's business.  I hope they have assigned seats everywhere-in the car and the kitchen.  I hope they spend hours studying for tests at the kitchen table.  I hope they have 5 pinatas in the basement from their Cinco De Mayo party.  I hope they have a closet that is so full of leftover party supplies that whenever anyone has a question, they just say ask the closet.  I hope they have a quote fridge full of funnies, as well as a picture of Two-Part Hotchkiss.  I hope they Saturday morning breakfasts that consist of leftover mocktails and sometimes chocolate cake.  I hope they talk into the late hours of the night, wondering if their laughter is walking up their other roommates.  I hope they play hot sauce baseball (don't ask) and keep hot sauce in classy bowls for the next two years.  I hope they 'burn the triangles' (again...don't ask).  I hope they get the nickname the 'Holy Trinity' because they are that versatile of a force.

The only reason why I hope all of these things is because I think it's the perfect recipe for the perfect two years.

As Alesha said, it's the perfect place to be a heathen for two years.

xo. Elise

Manna

I keep looking around, expecting a parting of the Red Sea.  Something large and obvious and beautiful.  Something that can only be described as a win--pure, unadulterated win with no strings attached.

Yet, instead I find myself finding manna.  And not even an abundance of manna, but some days I literally feel like I'm scrounging for manna.  It seems to be barely enough to sustain me day to day, and it seems like there are many days that I go to bed, still wanting more.

And sometimes I want to yell, but where is my Red Sea?  Where is the blessing that engulfs me and makes the last few months of scrounging worth it?

Yet, nothing seems to be coming.  And I'm learning, not necessarily to stop wishing for the Red Sea or to stop wishing that I could have some more manna, but I'm learning to be purposeful in my gratitude.  I'm learning to take a moment to expand my lungs and recognize the scant amount of manna that is available.

And today that manna consisted of a Diet Coke, a slide deck that is coming together, and a guy with blue eyes.

My daily ration is enough to make to until tomorrow, with my hope still intact for that Red Sea.

xo. Elise

In Between

I have a firm belief that good people continue to come into our lives.  I believe that God has a whole lineup of good people and He just keeps sending them, one after the other.  Over and over again.

I say this as someone who is extremely used to saying goodbye to the good people in her life.  It started right after high school graduation, and it hasn't stopped.  And I keep having seasons in my life where I think, wait, I thought saying goodbye was done.  I thought I was finished with that whole process.

But I am learning, nope it's not over.  Goodbyes always seem to happen too soon.  And as I was crying over the most recent goodbye today, I told my sister that I'm going to be fine.  Because God keeps sending good people.

And she said, "So it's just in between a good person and future good people?"

Yep.  In between is exactly how it is.  And that was a good reminder for me.  Good people come, but it definitely is in between right now.

xo. Elise

Faith

2016 was a time of faith.  From January 1st to December 31st,  I felt like I had to have faith every day.  I always thought faith would get easier.  I thought that I would hit a wall where I was thinking, yep.  Check that box.  I thought after July 15th, faith would be a little less necessary.  

Of course, Heavenly Father say that concept and decided to run with it until the end of the year.  I thought accomplishing a huge, two-year goal of mine would grant me the serenity I begged for.  I should stop being surprised, but it didn't.  Yes, I still feel giddy when people ask about my major.  But it didn't cover all of the cracks I was hoping for.  

Because after my program, it turned into internships.  And life plans.  And friendships.  And relationships.  And my confidence.  You have to have faith in everything.  It's a daily journey.  And I'm feeling grateful that God let me have this year to really work on it.  I'm grateful for the chance to just keep going, everyday, with my little scraps of faith I had to gather.  

They say that the opposite of faith is certainty.  Although I wouldn't mind a little certainty, this was a good year of flat-out wondering.  

xo. Elise

Stages

My roommate and I have been sending texts back and forth that describe what stage we're in.

Some examples:

1. "Finals weeks is actually kind of cool.  I mean, it’s an incredible adrenaline rush.  All you’re supposed to do is take tests and study”
2. “I take back what I said.  Finals weeks is horrible and I hate it.”
3. “Look at how cool I was this semester.  Taking good notes.  Finals aren’t bad”
4. “Why didn’t I take better notes due this lecture?  Finals suck.”
5. “Holy cow, how am I supposed to fit all of this in?
6. “I chose the wrong major”
7. “I’ve wanted to leave my house all day and now I have to and I hate it, ugh final”
8. “Writing literally living the dream in my notebook.”
9. “Wow this practice test when the professor is going through it so easy I could do this by myself for sure”

And as I sit here, I'm in the "really grateful to be here" stage. I've put in a lot of work this semester. And there were difficult days where I could gone the easy route and not studied or read. Yet, I'm sitting here at the end of my fifth semester. I read all of the books. I read the chapters. I bought the books. I prepared the questions. And I am so grateful that I had the resources, time, and support to do all of that. So many things I don't think twice about are big issues for some people. And I'm grateful. I'm grateful for who I've worked hard to become.

So yes, those stages are funny and oh so true, but at the end of the day, I'm just grateful to be living the dream another week.

Second Week of November

I've been feeling so incredibly stuck lately.  Stuck in my old habits.  Stuck with my old people.  Stuck with no real dreams and nothing really pushing me.  I listen to the same music.  I am working on the same project for work since August.  I don't have any new foods to make.  I wear the same things, it feels like every day.  I talk about the same things, usually what I feel stuck about.  Even the weather is the same, this beautiful, perfect, aggravating too hot and then too cold weather.  Everything just seems so similar and boring and routine and forever.

And when I think about my life, duh.  I'm 3/4 way through the semester.  I'm in the boring and uninteresting work of finishing up midterms and trying to play catch up on all of those final projects that I supposedly have to work on all semester.  I haven't had a break since Labor day (you know...the first weekend in September, which seems like a lifetime ago).  People are bitter and angry about the election.  There seem to be more broken hearts than success stories.  The sun sets at 2:00 in the afternoon.  I'm not actively looking for an internship anymore.  I'm frustrated.

And it's oh so easy to define myself by this feeling.  By these failings that seem to follow me.  The girl who has bypassed reading interesting things.  The person who doesn't seem to have interesting thoughts.  The one that is forgotten by her old friends and who sits and does homework. all. day. long.
I'm not saying that routine is the hardest parts of life.  And there are some days that I am so profoundly grateful for this routine of mine, where I'm in a program I want, with all of my family safe and sound.  I have friends who chat with me.  I have goals.  I have hope for the future.

And then there are other Thursdays where the thought of reading three chapters for my business law class seems monumentally difficult, and I'm feeling good to get through a single page.

I saw a friend who I hadn't seen in a while.  I walked right up to him, gave him a hug, and started chatting.  He looked at me, surprised, and said you look so happy!  What's your secret?  Your major definitely agrees with you!

When he said that, I had just come from a stressful class after turning in a project that made me seriously consider my major choice.

But you know, there are some days where you do nail it.  And your outfit is on point.  And there are some days where your major does agree with you.

I'll take that (small) victory, thank you very much.  And run with it (except probably not literally because I'm still reveling in the fact that I no longer have to run).

Hang in there during the second week of November when you feel cemented in up to your knees with obligations, assignments, and that one last midterm that makes you roll your eyes.

xo. Elise

Things ahead are far better.

Hearing no is never fun.  Unless the sentence that follows includes "no class on Tuesday."

I heard a no this week that has made me pause, for the briefest of moments.  Pause and evaluate how my heart was feeling and how everything was interacting with my head and my dreams.  The no wasn't as devastating as I anticipated.  It is definitely survivable, like no's always are.  So yes, I'm ok.

I have been thinking about my future, well, forever.  But particularly this next little while.  This next summer.  This after college life, which really will come faster than I want.  And I have been a little lost, because nothing seems exciting or easy.  Nothing is working out in a way that makes it obvious.

Having this internship would have been a beautifully packaged, nicely wrapped YES.  I could have slipped from internship to full-time to grad school to yes yes yes with very little thought.  I could entered a profession that is notoriously hard and difficult.  I could have made an incredible amount of money.  I could have been checking all of the boxes that everyone around me seems to shove in my face.

But I think I would have lost myself in the midst of that.  Part of me knows I'm not quite qualified for that type of job.  And the other part of me knows that I am not that type of person.  I don't know how else to describe it other than I don't think I can even be that type of person.

And honestly?  I'm disappointed.  I'm not exactly thrilled, but I am trying to do a better job of viewing this no more as an answer from God.  I've asked him over and over again for direction in my life, so I don't think I should be frustrated when He responds, even if the answer is a no.

Before I found out the actual news, but just had an inkling, I thought about this Mormon message.  I was annoyed I even got the first round interview.  I was frustrated that I spent so much time preparing for something that didn't even work out.  I am still mad.  I'm annoyed at the recruiting events I went to.  I'm annoyed at the scary things I put myself through this past week.  I'm frustrated with what seems like wasted time.

But I'm reminding myself that Heavenly Father found the easiest way to direct me.  He gave me the blessing of a first round interview.  He let me do the scary things, and helped me with it throughout it all.  And for whatever reason, my road was a no.  A quick direction change.

Just a little transfer.

xo. Elise

Too Blessed to Be Stressed

Just a quick note that Elise Clark is LITERALLY LIVING THE DREAM.  Sorry for yelling, but I need that reminder.  This is the life I fought for and studied hard for.  This is the life I prayed over and begged for.  This is the life I requested in nearly every prayer.  This is my dream life.

And so many aspects of my junior year at BYU are so completely than I expected.  But there are seriously so many amazing parts of this junior year of mine that I can't help but praise the heavens for.  Laughing hysterical with my roommates (the LIGHT, the light, I will sleep!).  Nice texts from friends, just checking in on me.  Assignments that are done and can't be edited anymore.  And hey, it's Tuesday, not yet Wednesday.

Isn't this the best?

xo. Elise

Planner

I usually bear my testimony every month, but this month I was terrified to get up there.  Terrified because I was going to get up there and vaguely talk about how I didn't really have faith.

Background.

I am a planner.  The plan every single hour kind of person.  The person who likes to know how many intervals she has to run before she starts. I like planning out what I'm doing next summer.  Before I went to college, I wrote down what I wanted to do each semester and each summer.

Since school started, I've been trying to make a plan.  I've been trying to listen to my Father and make decisions that will put me in the best position for my future.  Consulting?  Law school?  Non-profit work?  M.B.A.? M.P.A.?  Never finish school (ok, that's not a real option, but tempting with two midterms coming up this week).

And nothing is working.  I haven't gotten an answer for anything.  And it's frustrating and scary and similar to throwing up.

And I announced over the pulpit that I am kind of doubting Heavenly Father and His ability to come up with a plan that works for me.  Because from my perspective, nothing seems to be working.

But then I finished with the fact that He has proven me in the past.  He has come through for me in ways I can't describe and in moments when I needed Him most.  And I told my friends and my ward members that that was enough.  It's enough for me right now.  And I am so grateful for a God that has provided me with experiences in the past that have made this scary moment a little less scary.

A member of the bishopric came up later and told me that he had been thinking of my testimony all day.  He explained that he wasn't a planner, and he imagined it must be very scary for a planner and stressful (yup, it is). He then said to not stress and not worry, something I can't help but think is very easy for a non-planner to say.  Another girl came up to me and explained that God speaks in stories and things will work out.  Laura told me that she had a similar experience in her life, and that God had a big answer for her.

All of these things reminded me that even if my plan isn't working out so great, I have great people in my life.  Thanks Mom and Dad for all of those reminders that eternal perspective is important and that God is the best storyteller.

Cheers to writing a story, when the only ending you know is that everything is going to be ok.

x.o.  Elise