Definition of Happiness

I was thinking about how last January, my life was completely different.  I was a high school senior, which seems so young now (hehe what a brat I am...you know, the college freshman who acts like she's so much older than everyone).  And now, I am a college freshman, with one whole semester of college under her belt.  Wow, that is what I call experienced.

Last year I did a whole year recap, which just sounds semi-exhausting, but I realized that I've lived through a lot of different definitions of happiness this year.  Part of me is just really surprised about how I was so happy in so many different situations in my life.  I feel like I've been such a different person this year, pendulums are real people.

Some definitions of happiness from this break:

Happiness is eating ten bowls of Grandma's homemade potato soup, stuff yourself silly with Eegees, and dye your tongue with the strawberry flavor, wearing bunchy bunch pants, with the heater on.

I'm sitting her with crispy cheeks that radiate the heat of today, reading a book of prose bout food and community, in a silent hotel room with my family lounging around, sandwiched between a soft mattress and a comforting comforter, too many Reese's minis in my belly, and a good dinner in my near future.

Some definitions from my semester of college:
Staying up way too late for class the next morning, talking and laughing with your roommate.  You analyze the boys in your life and laugh at your mutual ridiculousness.  You feel completely happy as you look around you room, with the giraffe and beautiful bedspread.

Walking down the sidewalk, on the way to the Creamery.  You gossip about the day's events, it's a random Tuesday and not really a special occasion.  You discuss the flavors that you're going to get and giggle helplessly at the Snapchats that inevitably happen.

You are walking back from you classes, right in front of the JFSB.  The sun is just barely setting so the whole square looks pink in reflection.  The mountains are sharp and dramatic in the distance.  Your light jacket is perfect for the October evening and philosophy class is done for the week.  You have text messages to reply to and a plan for dinner.

Some definitions from my senior year of high school:
You rush from class to class, turning in assignment after assignment.  You engage in interesting discussions, and you take a moment to ponder the things you've learned.  You feel overwhelmed with everything that needs to get done, yet things seem to work out.  You stand at the front of the classroom, enjoying the feeling of control.

You flit from one group to another, laughing and talking, but mostly feeling happy that you belong.  You have people who want to talk to you and you have people that make you laugh.  There are so many people who you try to be there for, and you finally feel like people are there for you.

You hear the news in the most exhilarating rush of emotion you've had in a while.  You grin through your tears and you feel the weight melt off.  You look heavenward and give your thanks as you receive the bone-crushing hugs and congratulations.  You can't stop smiling and you feel content with the work that was accomplished.

I've felt happy almost all year, and I'm just grateful to have had so many different experiences.

xo. Elise

This is it.

I remember driving home last year, nearly a year from now, and I remember thinking "this is the last time I will drive home as the current State Champion."

I drove that same route today.  It's really beautiful that I can now say "this is the last time I will drive home with a losing record at State."

I don't know how it's going to turn out tomorrow.  I don't know who is going to win.  I don't know, maybe tomorrow night I will be really upset and stressed because I'm losing.  Or I could be ecstatic because I'm doing well.  Or I could be content because I am happy.  (I'm rooting for Options 2&3...I would be ok with just 3).

Do you know how cool it is that I'm going tomorrow?  I'm going for my third state tournament. I am going to my last debate tournament.  I am dreading this moment, and I am also so excited for this moment.  I can't wait to go and make more memories with my team.  I can't wait to enjoy my last debate tournament.

This beautiful phase in my life is ending.  A phase I didn't even know would be part of my life.  But it's over.  And I can't wait to go out and rock it one last time. 

xo. Elise

(I would read this post while listening to "Now or Never" from High School Musical 3. But that's just me.)

Practically Perfect in Every Way.

My dad is going to sigh aloud when he sees this post, but hey!  Oh well!

This weekend was practically perfect in every way.  I had a debate tournament, quite a big one actually, and it went extremely well.

I took first actually.  Eek! (Insert excited squeak!).  That was so rewarding for me (yes, Dad, it was a good debate tournament).

But even better?  My team did amazing. Like wow, who is that team?  It makes me feel extraordinarily happy as a captain, president, debater, and human being.  Seriously!  Sometimes things fall apart, but sometimes things fall together in the most beautiful way possible.

To show you the excitement of debate tournaments, I took some pictures.

Wow, don't know about you, but I need time to recover from that excitement.

h&g. Elise

That look and following "ohhhh...."

When you are in high school, it is inevitable.  People will ask you what you do.  At different times of life, it is different things (what you major in, what your job is, where you went to school, how many kids you have, grandkids, etc, etc.).  But in high school?  What do you do?

I always want my first answer to be homework.  Because let's be honest...homework.  That is what I do.  Sometimes it seems like I do that allllll the time.

But no one wants to know I do schoolwork in school I guess?

So, I go with the, "Oh, I'm on the debate team."

If it's an adult they give me a slightly frightened look and say "ohhhh....I feel bad for your parents."

And all of sudden you feel like a horrible awful person!  Coming from a debater, I think of why I feel bad for my parents.  I feel bad for them because they deal with me coming home late, me sobbing when I don't do well (I've only sobbed a few times...ok?), being mad if I don't do well, being super happy when I do well, me always asking for money for trips, hotels, and food.  It goes on.

But what everyone else assumes?  They assume that I am an angry, bitter, yelly, debater.  Someone who argues with her parents.  Pfft.

Not true.

They should feel sorry for my parents because I am in charge of way to many things and am getting quite good at bossing people around.

xo.  Elise

P.S. Yes, I am aware that this is a stupid post all about #nerdy things.  I am over it.  Keep calm and debate on.

P.P.S.  That wasn't a good remedy was it?

However this picture?  This is a keeper.

Irony

I can't really afford this post right now, but tomorrow marks the beginning of the end of my debate career.  Something which makes me want to tear up right now and go back to that stage of innocence.  Ah, the novice years.

I am going into this tournament with more experience than most of the kids.  That doesn't mean I'm better, it just means that I'm old.

I was thinking about last year...about State.  I know I needed that experience to be humbled and to rely more on my Heavenly Father.  As painful as that was, I know it's true.

But maybe, Heavenly Father also knew that the debate team needed a leader that was humble.  Not someone that would go to the front of the room entrenched by their own success and confidence, but maybe someone a little like me.  A little...uncertain.  A little (a lot) scared.  And more than a little ready to reclaim that confidence.  More than ready to reclaim what was once mine.

No, not that old, stuck-up, hey I'm pretty good at this attitude.  But, rather, the mentality that I'm not supposed to be a threat, I'm just supposed to enjoy playing the game.  I'm just here to talk and see what happens. Reclaim the reputation of my school.  My team.  To reclaim the confidence and reduce the panic of the team.  To no longer see the fear in other's eyes, but rather see a reflection of joy.

Because honestly?  I am now getting a little excited.  And that, my friends, is joy.

Also, irony that seems to be so prevalent in my life. Last year, I was going into this tournament as State Champion, having only lost one round at the 2012 State Tournament.

Now I'm going into this tournament as State Participant, having only won one round at the 2013 State Tournament.

Irony, isn't it the best?

h&g. Elise

T-Shirts

Before I stopped playing volleyball, I would look at all of my volleyball camp t-shirts.  I would look at them and I would wonder if it would hurt me to wear them when I didn't play volleyball anymore.  See, that's the funny thing about my volleyball career.  I always knew it was temporary.  I always knew it was...kind of lucky whenever I made the team.  I knew that this hobby wouldn't last, I just wouldn't admit it.

Well, it go to the point where the hobby actually ended.  I was done.  I'm grateful that I can say I don't feel pain when I see all of my volleyball t-shirts.  The only time it kind of hurts my heart is when I look at my old uniforms and I remember how much fun I had, and how good those times were.

"Volleyball Camp 2009"  "Bruins Volleyball 2006" "Bump, set, spike it 2011"

Yep.  These t-shirts are in my drawer gathering that gross t-shirt smell.

As of right now I am wearing a debate t-shirt.

Isn't it funny how times have changed?

Pride and People.

Just a short little clip about a few things.

First, people are nice.  So often in this world, people are crass, rude, mean, insensitive, ignorant, selfish, stingy, greedy, ungenerous, offensive, foul, vulgar, etc.  And it seems kind of awful to drift from human interaction to human interaction, only interacting with those type of people. But this weekend, I know that people are nice.  I know that people will be nicer than you expect.  They care more for you than you think.  And they respect you more than you could guess.

Second, I have never been more proud of my debate team than yesterday, when we lost.  Yeah, we lost State.  First time in 10 years.  Yet, my teammates were polite.  We were the only ones consistently clapping.  We were the only ones that stood and cheered for the winning team.  We were the only ones that were nice.  And I am so proud to say that I belong to that team.  Even though some alumni may be sad that we lost, I can personally attest that the behavior we showed was exemplary.  We represented everything our debate team stood for.

So there you have it.  Pride and People.

xo. Elise 

The Parking Lot Walk.

It's the strangest thing when you really think about it.  All I was doing was simply walking to my car.  I had called my mom so I wouldn't have to walk alone in the dark.  But I wasn't alone.  Not at all in fact.

I was surrounded by the celebrating high school masses.  Surrounded by average high school students who had just arrived from the State Championship basketball semis game.  They were exuberant. They were excited.

I was walking...simply walking.  It seemed like I had parked forever away as I tried to muffle my sobs. I limped past the other average students walking to their cars.  I stifled the scream that I wanted to yell out for the world to hear.

It was surreal, to put it simply.  There I was, walking to my car, barely able to carry the shattered pieces of my broken heart, and everyone else kept strolling by.  My fear for a year had come to face me, and it came true.

Have you ever had a walk like this?  A walk where you look around through your blurry, tear-filled eyes and feel that moment where you are above it?  Where you are no longer a typical person, but rather someone who is hurting.  Someone who has risen above the hazy rosiness of the cheerful life, to something a little darker.  Where you understand everything a little bit better than everyone else.

I got in my car, put my head on my steering wheel and sobbed.  In the dome light of the car, anyone could have seen me.  I doubt anyone did.  If they did, they probably thought I was tired.  Or laughing.  Maybe they thought I was crying.  Who knows.  Yet, they just kept strolling to their cars, in their own little bubble.

Soon my steering wheel was covered in snot, due to my lack of tissues, and it sounded like there was a dying hyena in the jeep, due to my cold and my sobs.

I learned a lot on that hundred meter walk.  That parking lot walk.

Cray-cray

I don't know about you, but it's getting crazy over here!  Finals week, plus major debate tournaments, plus track tryouts?  Oh please...I'm proud I'm getting up in the morning at this point.

Some pictures in my life when I had time to look cute and/or take pictures. :)

See ya on the other side!

xo. Elise 

Oh...New York.

Do you ever have those moments that you feel so free and brave and content and everything all at once just happens and flows?  That's how my New York trip was.  Amazing.

Here are some of my favorite snapshots...

And yes, I am going through some withdrawals.  Frozen yogurt and otherwise. :)

Summary of my New York trip:

Phantom.  Amazing.  New songs.  Cool airplanes.  Long talks.  Late nights.  Green coats.  Hot chocolate.  Frozen yogurt.  Grapefruit.  Greek yogurt.  Pizza.  Ferries.  Shopping.  Crosswalks.  Pastries.  Scarves.  Brave.  No fear.  Feeling excited.  Look up.  Tiffany blue. Accurate fortunes.  Boots.  Scarves.  Curled hair.  Cute hats.  Street food.  Delicious pizza.  Grown-up talk.  Gloves.  Picture after picture.  TJ Maxx pitstop.  Staying up late.  Beeping dead fire alarm.  No counter space.  Smoky bathrooms. (Ewwww...) Not enough towels.  Stairs.  Morals and ethic debates.  Feeling happy. Content.  Out of body experiences.  Skyscrapers.  Beautiful art.  Expensive stuff.   New purses.  Contentment.  

That sums it up.. :)  Oh New York...love ya lots.

New York, New York!

So folks...
I'm off to New York this week.  Tomorrow actually.  I'm going with the debate team.  And I am so excited!  I haven't been to New York since...

I looked like this.  Wowza Lisey girl...you are kind of cute, I must say! :)  

See ya soon!

Day of State.

If you want to read the first part...go here.

March 10, 2012:  I wake up in the morning, still feeling really disappointed about my performance yesterday.  It may not seem like a big deal, to only lose one round, but I was under a lot of pressure and confused emotions.  Cut me some slack.  I realized I had forgotten to bring my curling iron, so I straightened my hair.  I wore pearls, a mauve long sleeve shirt, my gold shimmery pencil skirt, creme tights, and my nude high heels.  (I recently saw a similar skirt at a store a few weeks ago and thought to myself, wow that is so last year. :)  I start the day off with a round I win.  It's messy and my opponent is slightly irritating...(However, I find most of my opponents irritating, sadly enough.  That's just the way I am.)  I have my second round, and beforehand my opponent asks if I'm the judge.  I think to myself, ummmm I'm wearing a metallic gold pencil skirt.  Would I wear that judging??? Apparently so. I tell him no.  Then he asks me if I'm a senior.  I help him out a little bit and tell him no, I am a sophomore.  Hmm...maybe I should have let him guess a little bit more. :)  This round is easy, and I'm fairly sure I won.  If I remember right, my opponent didn't argue everything, which makes my life infinitely easier.

Now is the hard part of waiting for break rounds to be posted.  Finally, they're up!  I go rushing to check, and my opponent's code looks familiar.  I realize it's the person I lost to the day before.  My heart sinks.  My hands sweat.  I am not a happy camper.  I go to round.  Yep, it's him.  I'm on the opposite side, which does help slightly.  I read my speech and sit down.  My opponent, who has the speech times in his favor, starts reading.  However, he doesn't get to all of my arguments.  I stand up and give the rest of my speeches.  I win that round, and with the same judge I lost with in yesterday's rounds.  I made it to semifinals!  Unfortunately, I hear that my captain lost.  He can't continue on.

My semifinal round was interesting.  I was going up against a girl that I debated my very first time I ever debated in the varsity (or 'open') category.  I lost, and I was still mad about it.  During that round, clear back in November, I remember her saying "my opponent has put all of her eggs in one basket, and the bottom has fallen out."  That line made me furious.  Well, lo and behold, when I give up to say that speech....yes, that is what I say right back at her.  It is a two-one decision, and I win that round.  I am going to the final state round.  That was such a glorious win, and I felt like my debate career had gone full circle.

I remember sitting in a chair, outside of the room I was supposed to debate.  I'm talking with my captain, and he casually mentions that our school took State overall.  I can't believe he forgot to tell me!  We begin prepping against my opponent, and in round the coin toss is up to me.  I choose affirmative, because that is what I prepped out against, and I had already hit this guy at a previous tournament on the negative side of this topic.

We begin the round.  It's full of people watching, especially from my opponent's high school.  I am nervous but I am feeling like I am doing ok.  I give the last speech and sit down.  It's done, it is now up the judges. You have no idea how painful that waiting time is, until you have been there.  Waiting...waiting...waiting...seeing the judges look on their flows.  Telling yourself it's ok if you take second.  The judges give their papers to the official.  My heart is beating.  The official smiles, tells both of us congratulations for making it that fair, and says that it was a three-o decision for the affirmative.

My heart drops as I wonder and have to rethink if I'm affirmative.  I realize that I am.  I can't believe it.  We hear the judges reasons, they all voted on self-defense.  I shake my opponent's hand and receive my medal.  I slowly pack my bag up.  Everyone empties the room until it's just my captain and I.  We look at each other in shock.  This is the most interesting moment for me.  We look at each other, and we realize the magnitude of what we just did.  We think that I am the only Lincoln Douglas state champion from our school.  He tells me he would kiss me if it wasn't for his girlfriend.  (I am suddenly very happy that he has a girlfriend....) And we are in shock.

We walk outside, and a friend asks if I did it.  I walk towards my team, the person in front of me has a blue sweater on and gives my a hug.  The president of the team is next to him.  I can't believe it.  We go into the cafeteria to wait for everyone.  I take a picture of the state trophy and I am in shock.  My captain is subdued, and I feel bad I beat him during his senior year.  We are kicked out because the high school has a dance going on, and we go near the tab room.  We sit in the faculty room talking about whatever comes to mind.  We go out to dinner, I'm still in shock.  We goof around, waiting for a table.  I was wearing my metallic silver Toms, thinking how they clashed with my metallic gold skirt.  My captain and teammates give me a hard time for still wearing my medal.  We go back inside to eat.  I order a hamburger, it's kind of gross.  I drive home and see my parents and sister waiting for me.


Guys, I took State.

*Thanks for reading my story.  I"m so grateful I had a chance to write and experience it.  Come what may, I have already done enough.

Pre-Day of State.

Author's Note:  This is probably the weirdest time for me to be writing about this.  Really strange for me...but I would rather get it out there before the year is up.  Before I have to wonder about the what if's of something.  Or have to deal with anything bad.  So right now, this is it.  Not trying to be all self centered...but I feel like this story of my mine needs to be recorded.

March 9, 2012: I'm all prepped out for the State tournament.  This is my first year for the debate team... I am a little novice.  I am wearing my royal blue ruffled shirt, a green sweater with a royal blue argyle patter on one side (much cuter than it sounds), a gray skirt, tights, and heels.  (Always the heels.)  I qualified for Nationals a few weeks before, taking first at that tournament.  That was the first time I really...took first at something.  I go to my Spanish class, but in walking by the debate room, I realize I'm excused from class so I start conversing with my captain and teammates about when we're leaving and how nervous I am.  I have my cases prepped and debated.  My little expando folder filled with all sorts of blocks that are labeled in a specific order with borrowed sticky notes from an A.P. English student. (Now I understand why he had extra.)  We head down to the school.  The older kids are teasing me, as always.  About who I like and what I'm going to do.  The usual.

We arrive at the tournament and I proceed to freak out.  This is routine for every tournament and my captain gives me the usual pep talk.  "Elise, you have beaten all these people before. You will do great.  You have a had a great year, this isn't anything new."  My friends listen in, his speeches always help me calm down.  I go to my first round.  To my annoyance, I can't remember anything about this round...all I know is I won.  I go and hang out with the debate team afterwards and wait for postings.  I see postings.  Shoot.  I'm hitting (debate-speak for debating them in round.  Don't worry...I'm non-violent. :)  this girl that I hit last weekend.  I beat her, but it was close.  I start freaking out again...I go to round and she is sickly sweet.  She asks if she wants to switch sides, since we hit each other on the same side last weekend.  I avoid the question and go into round.  I debate her, and it's stressful.  She is rude, which is kind of her m.o., and doesn't provide the evidence I want to see.  I don't know the decision of that round, but later my coach comes up to me and tells me that she thinks I deserved to know that I beat her.  My day is made.  The score: 2 rounds for me.

One more round for the day.  It's getting late and I'm tired.  I'm waiting outside of my round and I see my opponent.  He is someone that I have seen at tournaments all year, and is one of the few debate people that are cute.  I've never seen him debate though, but I hear he is a senior.  We go into round, and we have a progressive judge.  My opponent starts talking fast and I only catch most of what he's saying.  After the round, because my judge was a rebel like this, he discloses.  I have lost the round and I let three connecting cards (or pieces of evidence) that secured his position slide.  I feel like the biggest idiot ever, especially when I talk to my captain afterward.  He asked me argument after argument to see if I had brought any of them up....I hadn't.

I'm disappointed and the biggest little mope-ball ever.  I go to the hotel room thinking that I lost state for everyone.  Then I realize, this isn't like volleyball.  Just because you lost one round doesn't mean the whole team is going to lose.  I'm just a novice, and I'm not supposed to carry the team or win.  It will be fine...

I'm in a room with a chatty senior who wants to talk about boys...or more accurately, her boy toys.  My friends and I, novice sophomores, don't say much.  We are scared that we're at State.  This is actually the first time we've gotten to share a room together.  We go to sleep, but I struggle that night.  I feel guilty, and the girl next to me is snoring.  I'm restless and nervous.


To be continued...who know debate was so intense! :)

One of these things Is not like the other.

I have a debate tournament. It's a pretty big one. Huge would probably be a more apt description. And I just keeping thinking of how I don't really belong in the debate world, specifically those at this tournament. I sometimes see the debate world as alternatives that don't always have the best hygiene habits. I know some that don't believe in God. I know some that devote their life to debate. Now, I'm not saying any of these things are bad, I'm just saying I don't always feel like I belong. They whip out their laptops and g2 pens and their 300 hundred page evidence brief they researched by themselves. I whip out my little bic pens and my one inch binder.

I'm saying this all wrong, and not quite putting what I'm thinking into correct words, but still sometimes I feel a little different in a group I'm supposed to belong to. Feeling out of place in a place you belong. Good luck to those that know how I feel.

On a side note, I wonder how many people confirm and change themselves and their personalities to 'belong' in a group. I almost think that's necessary to truly belong in any group.

DEBATE

This has been on my mind a lot...because I love it and it's starting up again soon.  I have a chronic weakness for taking self portraits...ask my cousin or my sister.  So here are my debate photos!  Pencil skirts, heels, and arguing, can't get much better than that!

Here are just a few...oh I can't wait for the season to start again!!