All this future

I was walking back from mailbox today and was overwhelmed with memories from the past three years of this place.  Alesha and I decided on this complex because of the proximity to campus, washer and dryer situation, and natural light (not even kidding).  I want to cry when I think about leaving because this place has seen the happiest and most dire emotions. 

Everything is changing these days.  In the past few years, I have felt that consistently--each year it seems like nothing has remained the same.  Sometimes it is overwhelming and sometimes it is actually really great.  Happy changes, like Anne getting married, Mom moving to BYU, Dad getting a raise/working on a positive shift in career paths. 

And some changes are harder, like Grandma dying, health challenges, friends moving on, feeling hurt by rejection on many levels. 

I'm feeling a little lost these days, or maybe it's just today, when I think about the touchstones in my life.  I feel like I've known who I am for so long, my path is linear and ambitious, yet these days it feels more like a blank page. 

Blank pages are exciting, and another day I will wax poetic about the greatness associated with that.  Today it is mostly overwhelming and exhausting. 

Things are fine, good actually.  So many good things, but wow, sometimes it is overwhelming.

via

Faith

2016 was a time of faith.  From January 1st to December 31st,  I felt like I had to have faith every day.  I always thought faith would get easier.  I thought that I would hit a wall where I was thinking, yep.  Check that box.  I thought after July 15th, faith would be a little less necessary.  

Of course, Heavenly Father say that concept and decided to run with it until the end of the year.  I thought accomplishing a huge, two-year goal of mine would grant me the serenity I begged for.  I should stop being surprised, but it didn't.  Yes, I still feel giddy when people ask about my major.  But it didn't cover all of the cracks I was hoping for.  

Because after my program, it turned into internships.  And life plans.  And friendships.  And relationships.  And my confidence.  You have to have faith in everything.  It's a daily journey.  And I'm feeling grateful that God let me have this year to really work on it.  I'm grateful for the chance to just keep going, everyday, with my little scraps of faith I had to gather.  

They say that the opposite of faith is certainty.  Although I wouldn't mind a little certainty, this was a good year of flat-out wondering.  

xo. Elise

Stages

My roommate and I have been sending texts back and forth that describe what stage we're in.

Some examples:

1. "Finals weeks is actually kind of cool.  I mean, it’s an incredible adrenaline rush.  All you’re supposed to do is take tests and study”
2. “I take back what I said.  Finals weeks is horrible and I hate it.”
3. “Look at how cool I was this semester.  Taking good notes.  Finals aren’t bad”
4. “Why didn’t I take better notes due this lecture?  Finals suck.”
5. “Holy cow, how am I supposed to fit all of this in?
6. “I chose the wrong major”
7. “I’ve wanted to leave my house all day and now I have to and I hate it, ugh final”
8. “Writing literally living the dream in my notebook.”
9. “Wow this practice test when the professor is going through it so easy I could do this by myself for sure”

And as I sit here, I'm in the "really grateful to be here" stage. I've put in a lot of work this semester. And there were difficult days where I could gone the easy route and not studied or read. Yet, I'm sitting here at the end of my fifth semester. I read all of the books. I read the chapters. I bought the books. I prepared the questions. And I am so grateful that I had the resources, time, and support to do all of that. So many things I don't think twice about are big issues for some people. And I'm grateful. I'm grateful for who I've worked hard to become.

So yes, those stages are funny and oh so true, but at the end of the day, I'm just grateful to be living the dream another week.

Things ahead are far better.

Hearing no is never fun.  Unless the sentence that follows includes "no class on Tuesday."

I heard a no this week that has made me pause, for the briefest of moments.  Pause and evaluate how my heart was feeling and how everything was interacting with my head and my dreams.  The no wasn't as devastating as I anticipated.  It is definitely survivable, like no's always are.  So yes, I'm ok.

I have been thinking about my future, well, forever.  But particularly this next little while.  This next summer.  This after college life, which really will come faster than I want.  And I have been a little lost, because nothing seems exciting or easy.  Nothing is working out in a way that makes it obvious.

Having this internship would have been a beautifully packaged, nicely wrapped YES.  I could have slipped from internship to full-time to grad school to yes yes yes with very little thought.  I could entered a profession that is notoriously hard and difficult.  I could have made an incredible amount of money.  I could have been checking all of the boxes that everyone around me seems to shove in my face.

But I think I would have lost myself in the midst of that.  Part of me knows I'm not quite qualified for that type of job.  And the other part of me knows that I am not that type of person.  I don't know how else to describe it other than I don't think I can even be that type of person.

And honestly?  I'm disappointed.  I'm not exactly thrilled, but I am trying to do a better job of viewing this no more as an answer from God.  I've asked him over and over again for direction in my life, so I don't think I should be frustrated when He responds, even if the answer is a no.

Before I found out the actual news, but just had an inkling, I thought about this Mormon message.  I was annoyed I even got the first round interview.  I was frustrated that I spent so much time preparing for something that didn't even work out.  I am still mad.  I'm annoyed at the recruiting events I went to.  I'm annoyed at the scary things I put myself through this past week.  I'm frustrated with what seems like wasted time.

But I'm reminding myself that Heavenly Father found the easiest way to direct me.  He gave me the blessing of a first round interview.  He let me do the scary things, and helped me with it throughout it all.  And for whatever reason, my road was a no.  A quick direction change.

Just a little transfer.

xo. Elise

Planner

I usually bear my testimony every month, but this month I was terrified to get up there.  Terrified because I was going to get up there and vaguely talk about how I didn't really have faith.

Background.

I am a planner.  The plan every single hour kind of person.  The person who likes to know how many intervals she has to run before she starts. I like planning out what I'm doing next summer.  Before I went to college, I wrote down what I wanted to do each semester and each summer.

Since school started, I've been trying to make a plan.  I've been trying to listen to my Father and make decisions that will put me in the best position for my future.  Consulting?  Law school?  Non-profit work?  M.B.A.? M.P.A.?  Never finish school (ok, that's not a real option, but tempting with two midterms coming up this week).

And nothing is working.  I haven't gotten an answer for anything.  And it's frustrating and scary and similar to throwing up.

And I announced over the pulpit that I am kind of doubting Heavenly Father and His ability to come up with a plan that works for me.  Because from my perspective, nothing seems to be working.

But then I finished with the fact that He has proven me in the past.  He has come through for me in ways I can't describe and in moments when I needed Him most.  And I told my friends and my ward members that that was enough.  It's enough for me right now.  And I am so grateful for a God that has provided me with experiences in the past that have made this scary moment a little less scary.

A member of the bishopric came up later and told me that he had been thinking of my testimony all day.  He explained that he wasn't a planner, and he imagined it must be very scary for a planner and stressful (yup, it is). He then said to not stress and not worry, something I can't help but think is very easy for a non-planner to say.  Another girl came up to me and explained that God speaks in stories and things will work out.  Laura told me that she had a similar experience in her life, and that God had a big answer for her.

All of these things reminded me that even if my plan isn't working out so great, I have great people in my life.  Thanks Mom and Dad for all of those reminders that eternal perspective is important and that God is the best storyteller.

Cheers to writing a story, when the only ending you know is that everything is going to be ok.

x.o.  Elise

Favorite Picture

I have been trying to write something poetic and significant, but what I really want to say is this is my favorite picture of me right now: 

I had just finished my interview for the strategy program.  I stayed in our first night in Prague and balanced my iPad to make it work.  

I love this picture because I look happy.  I look powerful.  I look like I'm going somewhere, and I'm confident.  I was feeling sick and dehydrated all day.  I was tired and sunburned (really bad sunburn).  I was so nervous I could barely see straight.  

But look at me.  I don't look defeated.  And I know it's dumb to be reading all of that in one selfie, but looking back at my life, I'm proud of this girl that I've become.  I'm proud of what I've accomplished, and I am very proud of what I've worked hard to achieve.  And this picture is my favorite because looking at it reminds me to start acting like the girl God put a lot of faith in.  

xo. Elise 

The Hard Stuff

I am sitting here, writing the essays that I have been dreading for far too long, after a night where everything just hit the fan, and I'm wondering why I was left in the middle of it all.  I am listening to the CD that has gotten me through all of the hard stuff before, but I still feel slightly sick to my stomach.

All of this is to get my fingers moving and my mind spinning.  This moment feels slightly like jumping off a cliff I don't want to approach.  Everyone is telling me to be more specific on what I want to do and who I want to be.  Everyone is asking, trying to figure out the secret.  And I would really just like some time to do my laundry.

I guess what I'm saying is I am being brave, and I am so proud of myself I can hardly stand it.  There are so many things in my life that scare me, but I am going to do them anyway.  And that, my friends, is cool.

The Good Life

My word for this year is faith.  And my faith has taken an interesting journey this year.  It started out with me living like a clenched fist.  I couldn't let anything go and I grasped everything I could and held it tight.  I feel myself evolving.  I am trying harder to play catch.  I'm trying harder to compact my feelings and just chuck it up to heaven.  Sometimes it feels like things slip through my fingers, or I didn't make my ball tight enough, and things come crashing back down and fall right on my head.  I think I sometimes keep those insecure and scared feelings around because they give me a sense of control.  I feel like I can handle something if I worry about it.  Stressing about it makes me feel productive.  Feeling insecure makes me feel humble.  And I hope that one day I can really work on those feelings, but for now acknowledging that is a big enough deal that it's ok.

And now my faith is evolving to a point where I am trying to have the best of perspectives.  I'm trying to have the view of the long term. The longest of terms.  But I also just want to take a nap.

Camille is visiting for the weekend.  And it's probably stupid, but I just keep wanting to tell her over and over again how excited I am that she's here.  It's been so interesting seeing my worlds collide, but I'm mostly just happy she's here.  Anne came down last night and we went to dinner and shopping.  You know those people that know what your favorite dress-up costume was and which Polly Pocket you always played with?  Sometimes it feels really good to spend some time with those people.

I guess this is all to say that sometimes I get really really scared, but it's ok.  And that fear doesn't have to suffocate me anymore.  And I have enough really good people in my life to help when I'm feeling particularly scared.

This truly is the good life.

Bowl of Ice Cream

Wow, I didn't realize it has almost been a month since I wrote on here.  Sorry about that.

If you go back in the archives about a year ago...February 25th, to be exact, I had a big long post about how I was feeling lonely.  I was feeling sad.  And I was wondering about my purpose in life.  And it was hard, man.  Dang, winter semester of 2015 was all sorts of weird.  There were a lot of really really really good moments.  I made some of my closest friends, Anne had a great semester, I learned a lot...ya know, all that good stuff.  But combined with that, was a whole lot of hard stuff.  And I remember praying, seeking for some guidance.  Looking for anything.  And I got the distinct impression that I just need to hold tight, I would soon feel like my body and soul were connected again.

Well folks, that time has arrived.  I kind of love that I can still look back a year ago and feel like that prayer was finally answered.  I love that I could look back three months ago and feel like that prayer was answered.  I love that God will continually answer that prayer.  And most of all, I'm really really grateful for this feeling right now, this week.

Wednesday night, I came back from campus at midnight.  I was exhausted and elated.  I was excited and nervous.  Then I checked my math test score and I was just happy.  It was one of those moments when you feel like the most blessed person in the entire world.  The whole world guys.  I couldn't really sleep that night and was up until two in the morning (0/10 recommend that experience).

And on the real, I woke up grinning.

That day, I had a presentation to a group of company executives, a luncheon with the said executives in which my resume was sent to them, and a miracle of a math grade.

Could life get any better?  Naaaaayyyy.

I don't know how long I will just be happy.  I don't know how long it will last that I really like my hair and my outfits are semi on point.  I don't know how long I will get excited for absolutely no reason.  I'm not sure how long this perfect positivity will last.

But I don't even care because this moment is so good.  It's soo good.  I feel like I'm eating a bowl of ice cream.  And I'm not even halfway done with the bowl.  That, my friends, is a good feeling.

xo. Elise

Into the Fog.

I was driving home from a perfect weekend at home.  It was the first weekend as a family in our new house, and I loved seeing my journals in my closet and books on the shelf.  I could tell my parents really loved it, and the quiet of their neighborhood was so peaceful.

The snowstorm was crazy yesterday, but we woke up to beautiful skies.  The sunrise was beautiful, and as I was driving home, I couldn't help but think about how beautiful the day was.  The sun was shining and the sky was a deep blue.  I love the blue in the wintertime because it seems to have a depth that is missing in the summer.  The inversion was gone, the mountains were smooth with new snow, and it couldn't have been a better winter day. I finally (finally) made my way around the point of the mountain.  I was a little excited because it looked like there were some clouds I was going to drive through, which is always a little fun.

As I continued driving, I realized it wasn't just clouds, but fog.  The entire Utah Valley was covered in fog.  I couldn't see mountains on either side.  I could see a few cars ahead of me and the lines--that was it.  The billboards were barely visible.  I felt like I could have driven all of the way to Vegas and not even known the difference.

It seems like such an apt metaphor for my life right now.  There are so many confusing things swirling around me.  So many fears, insecurities, and worries.  Some exciting things are happening and a lot of adventures.  I can't see much ahead of me.  I don't really know what to expect.

I don't understand weather phenomenas at all, but it made me feel a little better that maybe God had me drive through the fog to get the perfect visual of how I'm feeling.  I was driving through a lot of unclear air, such a contrast to the crystal clear valley behind me.

I don't know how the next few months (days...years...minutes) are going to play out.  And that is something that scares me.  It terrifies me in a way that makes me a little ashamed.  But I also know that Heavenly Father will help me.  It's a belief that I am holding onto so much right now, because that's what it is, a little baby belief that is sustaining me through the fog.

xo. Elise