Running

I’ve been  a runner for as long as I can remember.  I always liked to run—fast and far, and I knew I was good.  The Greenville Mile was always a chance to prove myself, that I was in the top three, often the first in my elementary school class.  There were a few girls that were faster than me, that was always a given.  I was part of the running club in middle school, which mostly consisted of me trying to keep up with the boys, to prove I was just as fast.  In ninth grade, it was popular to do track, but I didn’t just do it, I wanted to own it.  In volleyball, my ability to run and be first was always a proud point for me.  One of the cruelest things anyone has said to me was my tenth grade volleyball coach who said that maybe I should just do cross country since I was so good at running.  I still remember as a freshman, when a junior boy came running up to me because he wanted to get to know me.  The boys on the track team were my friends, my crushes, my competition.  In the midst of not doing cross country and quitting track, running was still my out.  On the day of high school graduation, I got up early to go and practice my speech, but afterwards I ran six miles on our treadmill, slow and steady, running out my nerves and nostalgia.  On the day of my college graduation, I ran a couple of miles, out of tradition and to breathe some air into my fear.  I ran my first year at BYU, up and down hills, creating out my own running route in a new place.  On my study abroad, I ran through the streets of Venice, in the shadow of the Alps, and on a treadmill in South Africa.  Running was my touchstone in the midst of confusion, always the same route down the edge of campus, right on 700, and then turning to University Avenue.  My year is patterned by half marathons, littered throughout spring and fall.  When my back hurts, when I have a difficult discussion, when I’m feeling restless, I lace up my running shoes.  My life could be falling apart, and the only solution I can provide is to go for a run, never mind more sleep or taking up yoga.  I wish I was more consistent or a faster runner, or even someone who took care of herself better throughout the running process, but it’s been my escape.  I have made it a life habit to run, both literally and figuratively as I try to outrun my demons.  

And now, I am finally grounded.  Not surprising in some ways, because aren’t we always waiting for the other shoe to drop?  I am stationary. I can’t run to the new song I have on repeat.  I can’t run when I woke up today feeling inexplicably sad.  I can’t run when I need space or time to think. I can’t run when I’m happy and find myself rejoicing over a small comment. I can’t run when I had a breakthrough at work and feel like declaring it from the rooftops.  I can’t run when I need to escape and not think for one second of life.  

I know I want to run because the thought of being left behind terrifies me.  If I run hard enough, fast enough, far enough, maybe I will escape the insecurities and my failures.  And now I'm just sitting with them, terrified and apprehensive because this is really the first time that I've been forced to just spend some time, anchored and tethered to the things that frighten me most.   

Basic Math

In a disorderly world, I pride myself on being able to add some control. The best way I’ve found, one taught to me since I was kindergarten, was to apply a simple math equation. In sixth grade, the public schooling system contributed to my education of controlling the universe by teaching me how to find ‘x’, and from then on it was merely plug and play. 

If five plus x equals two, what is x? Answer: two. 

As I’ve reached adulthood, I’ve added my own spin on it. 

If I’m feeling insecure plus x equals confidence, what is x? The best thing of adulthood math is it is a choose your own adventure (or as I like to say, choose your own vice, ha). X equals too much caffeine, mindless scrolling, long and complainy phone calls to my parents, gossiping about my roommates, or shopping for things I don’t need. 

The equation is solved, my insecurity kept at bay, and I can feel satisfied in my small flexing of power. 

And I’ve always said I’m bad at math. 

To be frank, this math system is pretty inept in solving any problems. I try to exert some control so I don’t feel like I am lost and small, and instead I end up feeling miserly, broke, and bloated because my numbing devices surprisingly didn’t help. 

I was listing my faults today, really running through the whole gambit. I spend too much money. I have sweaty palms, often. I’ve had gray hairs since I was 17. I talk too much, but I am too quiet in meetings. I eat too much candy and don’t know how to do my hair or makeup. 

I expected to balance out all of these negative traits with my usual litany of good things about me. I make good cookies. I dress well. I send thank you cards. I remember people birthdays. I work hard. 

Instead, the only thought that came to mind was, "I am His daughter and I am made with purpose."  For whatever reason, this one positive statement more than made up for the negative variables I had plugged into my equation.  

I am continually looking for the return on investment and for the variables to balance out.  I can cope with my failings through the consolation that my strengths will balance out, and at least grant me an equilibrium.  Yes, I may have really crappy parts of myself, but at least I can even the scorecard.  

But the best thing about God is that all math is erased and all inadequacies are full.  

I am His daughter and I am made with a purpose. 

Mathematics be damned. 

All this future

I was walking back from mailbox today and was overwhelmed with memories from the past three years of this place.  Alesha and I decided on this complex because of the proximity to campus, washer and dryer situation, and natural light (not even kidding).  I want to cry when I think about leaving because this place has seen the happiest and most dire emotions. 

Everything is changing these days.  In the past few years, I have felt that consistently--each year it seems like nothing has remained the same.  Sometimes it is overwhelming and sometimes it is actually really great.  Happy changes, like Anne getting married, Mom moving to BYU, Dad getting a raise/working on a positive shift in career paths. 

And some changes are harder, like Grandma dying, health challenges, friends moving on, feeling hurt by rejection on many levels. 

I'm feeling a little lost these days, or maybe it's just today, when I think about the touchstones in my life.  I feel like I've known who I am for so long, my path is linear and ambitious, yet these days it feels more like a blank page. 

Blank pages are exciting, and another day I will wax poetic about the greatness associated with that.  Today it is mostly overwhelming and exhausting. 

Things are fine, good actually.  So many good things, but wow, sometimes it is overwhelming.

via

Uganda!

Last winter, I knew I had a gap semester, and so I decided to just fit everything in and travel everywhere I could, and that is more or less how I ended up sitting on a couch by myself in Uganda.

I am currently writing this to stave off a complete meltdown because I am definitely looking around wondering how I ended up here.  I mean, I know how I ended up here, but you know what I mean.  Who flies to Uganda by themselves to spend two weeks more or less alone?

I guess I do?  A part of me is still truly wondering what on earth I was thinking.  The other part of me thinks this is kind of cool.  And the last part of me is still trying to breath deeply and keep calm because this truly is a unique experience that is cool/will hopefully help on some level.  Another small part of me knows that if I didn't do this, I would have always wondered a little about that one opportunity I had to go to Uganda and didn't take it.

And what is Uganda like?  Based on my exhausted view, it looks exactly like how you would imagine.  It is beautiful though...red dirt and green everywhere.  We went to church today where I feel asleep (I feel a little bad about that, but also I was barely functioning).  I am obsessive about bug spray and sunscreen at this point.  I forgot to bring towels and those long-sleeve shirts I wanted to sleep in (yepppp.  It's been a real treat figuring out what I was thinking when I was packing).

We came back from church and I took a two hour nap, and I'm feeling a lot better.  Already looking forward to sleeping later tonight, but it's fine.  My host also has a security friend who stops by, mostly to babysit me when she had to go grocery shopping.  I haven't had a babysitter in a long time, but I appreciate it.  As a white person in Utah, I haven't really understood what it's like to stand out because of my race, but here I am getting the slightest glimpse of that.

I was also very worried about meeting at the airport, but I felt better and better about that situation as my flight went on.  There were two other planes that got in at my same time, full of other Europeans and Americans who were checking in.  I had to wait an hour to get my electronic visa accepted (people who decided to wait and get their visa had to wait ten minutes?)  My bag was perfectly fine, thankfully, and I got everything I needed.

Has all of this been random enough for you?  Haha, but as I keep telling myself, I can handle two weeks.

xo. Elise

Me, right in the car after getting picked up! 

Collectively Random

Learning a language is not easy.  I go to class and I think I am rocking it because I remember that lechuga means lettuce.  I go to McDonald's to try to order a drink, and I get flustered and I don't remember any Spanish or understand anything what they are trying to say. 

It's a work in progress. 

I have been wearing my hair in a braid all week long.  I don't think this is particularly noteworthy, but I haven't worn my hair like that in a really long time, and it reminds me of high school and simpler times. 

If I'm being honest, having a Diet Coke habit is a lot more expensive in Spain than in the U.S.  The medium drink looks like a small and a can is 1 euro, but I'm not that upset about this either.  It's just a thing, you know? 

I just changed my Instagram password to something that I don't automatically know or recognize, and part of that feels kind of risky, and I am also wondering if that was a good idea?  One thing I've come to really love is not always having to respond to things or people.  The world seems quieter.  I don't love the isolated feeling all of the time, but at the end of the day, I really don't mind it.  I'm used to it? 

My roommate and I stayed up late talking last night because she realized she didn't know much about me.  We spend 23.5 hours a day together, but it is surprising how much you don't know about people.  So I talked about my pet rabbits (what a traumatizing story to be honest haha), and she talked about how she met her best friend in high school.  It's funny what bubbles up when you start talking about your favorite color or what scared you when you were younger. 

When I was 15, I had a goal to not look sideways.  I've been reflecting on that goal lately, and I'm reimplementing it.  Not looking sideways is difficult for me because I am always trying to gauge where I'm at, where everyone is at, where I need to improve.  So. Much. Analysis.  But not looking sideways is a good start, I think. 

I have also been thinking about how when you are a Enneagram 5, you always operate under the assumption that your life is a phone at 10% battery charge, with no charger or outlet nearby.  I've been thinking about that a lot, actually.  So much of my life is driven by this idea that time is running out--never enough.  Never enough time to accomplish everything before my battery dies?  I'm working on remembering that I'm not an iPhone 4 that will be put in a drawer to gather dust after the newer model comes out. 

This is also a good time to mention that I've been working on not thinking as much because when you have a lot of time on your hands, it's really hard to not think, but it's exhausting to think. 

xo. Elise

Bargain

I'm at the stage where you're mildly convinced that the perfect dress will actually set your life back in order.  And that when it comes in the mail, you will be at that stage of everything you wanted.

This is not a good stage to be in because the dress comes in the mail and you wear it for one Sunday, and then you're confused that your life problems aren't magically solved and you still are lost and are unsure of what to do with your life.   You thought that instead of just exchanging money and time for a cute new dress, that you were actually exchanging your insecurities, hopelessness, and trepidation for the future a piece of clothing that would come in three to five business days.

And you look at another dress in your closet, still with tags on it, and wonder why it didn't make you feel better.  And now you are going to look into the times of the post office so you can return said dress with the tags still on it and buy this other dress, the dress you're certain will make you feel better.  And think about how festive this new dress would be for Fourth of July!

I'm not sure if everyone else has this cycle.  Or if I'm just the lucky one, hence why my dress consumption has increased in the recent months.  But here we are, with several new dresses in the closet and my insecurities still loud and clear.

And I'm not saying I'm not going to return that other dress and buy this new dress.  But I am saying that sometimes you bargain for things, hoping that it will make you feel better.  Because you haven't felt better in a while.  And it kind of makes you want to cry, but you also have been having a better last 24 hours, so you're going to hold onto that.

xo. Elise

Currently Pt. II

Making: a picnic to take up the canyon. 
Cooking: those yummy oatmeal raspberry bars.  
Drinking: Vitamin Water lemonade, zero.  But really just wanting a diet root beer.  
Reading: Before Happiness.  I should be reading Naked Economics.  But what I'm really reading?  Uncommon Criminals.  
Wanting: two days off from school, work, and responsibilities.  
Looking: for perspective.  
Playing: My House from Flo Rida.  This is an embarrassing rap song but Alesha and I really like it sooo...there's that.  
Wasting: time, but sometimes I wonder if it really is a waste.  
Wishing: it could be warm today.  
Enjoying: the fact that I only have two midterms left.  
Waiting: for homework to no longer be a thing.  
Liking: my new comfy dress.  
Wondering: where I will be in a year from now. 
Loving: the way my mantle is decorated  
Hoping: that I can do another case competition this year.  
Marveling: at how great it is to have Anne close this year.  
Needing: to talk with my parents more.  
Smelling: Pumpkin Spice plug-in aka white girl 
Wearing: my new comfy dress (see above) 
Following: my fears probably a little too much
Noticing: how blue the sky is 
Knowing: I lead a pretty beautiful life 
Thinking: I should file my taxes soonish
Feeling: a little under the weather 
Bookmarking: good recipes I want to make when I'm bored 
Opening: myself up to new definitions of myself 
Giggling: at ridiculous pictures of a guy with two parts in his hair 
Feeling: a little overwhelmed but over ok about everything 

And now for the edited selfie I like but have no where else to put.  Here ya go.

xo. Elise

Maniac Monday

Today started out with me finding a hole in my favorite pair of pants.  Which is awkward because I wore them all weekend, and I'm not entirely sure when it popped up.  We had cleaning checks today so I was feeling judged for my lifestyle, but whatever.  I was rushing downstairs to throw my lunch in my backpack.  I made cookies yesterday and wanted to sneak one for breakfast (to go with my yogurt.  I haven't had only cookies for breakfast...yet), but could not for the life of me find my container.  Shrugging my shoulders, I headed to class.  I missed the light, ate my yogurt with a fork, and am not wearing my favorite pants (see above).  

I was sitting in my first class learning about marginal physical product production when it dawns on me that I put a tupperware in my backpack this morning.  Even though my sandwich was in a ziplock bag.  Yep, I brought the whole container of cookies with me to campus.  #awesome.  

In my next class, the kid next to me says he likes my black-and-white polka dot sweater.  He explained it's like the opposite of a dalmatian.   Which led to me taking selfies in the bathroom.  

All this to say that yes, my morning is going great, thanks for asking.  

Have a great Monday folks.  

xo. Elise 

Different

I was walking around campus tonight, looking at the beautiful fall colors.  I was thinking about my experience as a freshman and how exciting it was.  Everything seemed fun.  Every person was someone new to meet.  My independence thrilled me.

And now it's fall again and it seems a whole lot harder this time around.  Classes?  Harder.  Living situation?  Harder.  Pressure?  Harder.  Homework?  Harder.  Work?  Much harder because it wasn't even on my radar last year.

I came into this year (2015) feeling like it was going to be a really good and really hard year.   I look back to January and I don't think I've ever been more correct about anything in my life.  I can feel myself evolving and growing.  I feel infinitely older than my young nineteen years old self.  Every season seems to have pushed me.

But this human experience is worthwhile because I can feel that something is happening.  Something is brewing.  And in between then, I'm going to continue to write thank you notes to my professors who I can tell had a rough day.  I'm going to buy butter to replace the butter I used from my roommate so she can make banana bread.  I'm going to run two miles and be shocked this body of mine ever ran thirteen because wow it was difficult.

xo. Elise

Stagnation

I realized that we are not as stagnant as we originally think.  During finance today, he was lecturing about how we should save and learn and grow.  And it was good.  And I realized it's far too easy to think that we would always be someone who saves.  Or always someone who reads their scriptures.  Or always someone who works hard.  Or always someone who learns.

When in reality we are transient beings.  We shift and we evolve faster than we expect. All of those good, amazing qualities we pride ourselves on can slip right through our fingers without our knowledge.  And then we're left with a reality that doesn't match what we thought our mental identity.  

And it was a good thought for me to realize that I evolve.  Good because those bad habits I want to discard will eventually float away and good because the helpful tendencies I write down on my Sunday School required list of talents could eventually slip away.

Random Guy from Smith's

I went grocery shopping yesterday and was perusing the aisles for a mason jar.  I pop out of an aisle to hear a friendly, "Hi, how are you?"  I look up startled and see an older gentleman.  I smile tentatively and say that I'm doing great.  He asks me if I go to BYU, and again I respond tentatively.  He proceeds to tell me how he got his doctorate from BYU and just retired at 65.  He told me if I keep working hard, it will pay off.  He finished his speech by telling me that he was proud of me.  I said thanks and walked away with a lighter heart.

Thank you kind gentleman.  Although I was a little apprehensive at the beginning, the random guy from Smith's made my whole day.  Someone was proud of me.  I won't see him ever again, but his nice words made me smile.  And it reminded me that yes, I do accomplish things that are really impressive.  And I am doing things that I should be proud of.

As I talked to so many different freshman today, I felt overwhelmed as all of my doubts seemed to surface.  I thought being the mentor in this situation would make me feel better, but it was still hard!  People were asking me questions that I had no idea how to answer.  I am good at coming up with decent answers, but at the core I was convinced that they would know I was a fraud.

Feeling like a fraud is not a foreign feeling to me.  I don't think it's an uncommon feeling for anyone. I'm not sure why I felt insecure about a bunch of first year students.  I don't understand why they seemed calm, cool, and collected when I just felt insecure.  However, looking back, my jokes, smiles, and questions to keep the conversations going seemed to portray a pretty confident manner.

We are just constructing these facades to make us feel better.  And at least we are all insecure together.

xo. Elise

Love

I was used to third wheeling with my parents as high school senior.  I was always grateful for their relationship.  I knew that they loved each other, and that still brings me an incredible amount of peace.

To be honest, I was a little worried about them when I left home.  Would they be ok without me?  Would they be able to manage everything?  (It's not like I did anything except occasionally the dishes...but I was still worried.)

Newsflash, as I adjusted to my foreign bedroom, they did just fine. They successfully moved, got a new job, accomplished millions of hikes, got new callings, applied for tenure, and have somehow fallen more in love.

Really, really in love.

First thing my mom said as my dad walked in today was, "Wow, look how cute that boy is!"  My dad says my mom is cute in whatever she wears, and somehow their chemistry is palpable in the air.

Romance in college is the hot topic.  Who do you like, who likes you, are you dating anyone, why don't you have a boyfriend yet, I bet all the boys are falling all over you.  I listen to songs about love and see things everywhere about how much in love they are.

Sometimes it's overwhelming and a little discouraging when you don't have that.

But then I look at my parents.  And wow, I hope that I can be lucky enough to find someone like that. I hope I can have a relationship that is a smidgeon of theirs.  Because it is something that is amazing.

Short Hair, Kind of Care

Just so Mom and Dad are warned, my hair is short.  Shorter than it's probably been in years.  Probably since 6th grade.  And it's been throwing me off, kind of a lot.  Short hair whhaaaaatt? 

I know that this picture probably isn't the best representation to show the length, but a selfie is as good as it's going to get.  

I've realized that it's just one more part of my identity that has kind of disappeared at college, which I guess is ok. Hair can grow back. (Right????) 

This week has been decently hard.  And it's only Tuesday. Woowwwww.  I am so glad that I'm going home this weekend.  I'm glad to get out of these four walls of my dorm and campus.  

I had something deeper to say.  But I can't remember.  Homework does that to you.  

But I'm noticing the little things because that's what is making me get through today. 

-Pandora killed it today.  Seriously, as dumb as it sounds, I feel like that was how Heavenly Father showed that He cared about me.  I had two songs come on today that was just so perfect.  

-I made a small-batch of chocolate, chocolate-chip cookies.  They made four cookies, and it was perfect.  They were really good. 

-I got a hundred percent on my humanities quiz.  A five question quiz.  That I could have taken twice.   But still! 

-I said no today to something that I could have done.  But I said no.  And that was slightly liberating. 

-I made a panini with sautéed onions, cheese, and raspberry chipotle sauce (thanks Dad!).  And it was so good. 

Anyway, my hair is shorter than I like.  Sooooo many things are bugging me.  Like, a lot.  I also feel like my writing has been blocked lately, which is really frustrating to me.  Really frustrating to me.  So I'm grateful I could write this at all and feel like it's my voice.   

But it's ok because we are searching for goodness, right? 

xo. Elise 

Things I've Learned Part II

I am about halfway through my second semester of college and am always astounded at the things I've learned while being here.  

So here's a list.  

1. I don't actually have to buy two boxes of strawberries.  Especially when the said strawberries are on sale post-Valentine's Day and on their way out.  

2. You can freeze practically everything.  Like strawberries that are on their way out. 

3. Cookie dough in the freezer is a life saver.  Always have some.

4. Always stock up on cold medicine.  Just do it. 

5. Tire stores take longer than you ever want.

6. Dishes are endless.  Seriously, they will constantly be there.  I under stand the appeal of having disposable everything.  I should look into that. 

7. Baking is my therapy. 

8.  Running should be my therapy more. 

9. I am very loosey-goosey when it comes to recipes.  I only follow them about 95% of the time. 

10.  Doing things for people is a really good thing to do. 

11. Doing things for yourself is also very good. 

12.  Forgiveness is powerful. 

13.  Having exciting future plans is sometimes the only thing that will get you through a rough day. 

14. Write notes to people in your life when you are unsure about your life. 

15.  Deep breaths are important. 

16. Treats are nice but sometimes no treats is nicer. 

17. Sleep is heaven.  Get sleep.  Always choose sleep. 

18. Sometimes you buck up and say yes.  And sometimes you be brave and say no. 

19.  Say hi.  Get it through your head, Elise!  Say hiiiiiiiiii. 

20. Take it one day at a time.  Only one day.  Full weeks would practically kill me. 

xo. Elise 

Library floor because, geology! 

The sky was killing it today.  

Exhausted with Joy

I realized that I in a time in my life that everyone thinks about.  I'm at the point in my life where I can stay up until 2 in the morning talking, the late-night hot chocolate won't hurt me that much, my weekends are planned, and my room is small but full.

I take that back.  My life is small but full.

I've been vacillating lately on whether I am happy.  You would be amazed at how much back and forth there is going on.  I also realized, just last night, that contrary to my opinion, I really don't have a whole lot figured out.  I need to figure out how to study for Accounting.  I need better use my time to get things done with care and thoughtfulness.  I need to reevaluate how I get ready, exercise, and eat.  I need to take a moment and figure it all out.

But, I have come to the conclusion that I am pretty happy.  This afternoon I will probably be disgruntled again, by who knows what, but as of 12:16 p.m. on January 22, 2015, I am feeling pretty good.

It pays to get your assignment done early, fyi.  I go into the Geology lab tired and pre-bored (you know, bored of the assignment before you actually start?), and walk out after reviewing my whole assignment with the professor and my answers becoming the key.

Over all of the swirls of emotions, take note that there is some stability.
1. God loves me.
2. My family is there for me.
3. I am capable of being happy.

I think that's enough rambling for one day.  I am living a life meant to be exhausted with joy.

xo. Elise

Gray Sweaters

In my apartment, we have what we call creamery runs, days that we head to the creamery, sometimes the OG creamery and sometimes the outlet, to get ice cream.  Every day has felt like a creamery run day for me this week.  Please, just give me ice cream.

I've also just wanted to wear the two gray sweaters I have in my closet.  That's it.  Gray sweaters and black jeans.  Except I can only wear one with a certain pair of black jeans, and after..I don't know...10 wears?  I decided I should give them a rest and throw them in the laundry.  Which results in me only have one gray sweater to wear, but I already wore it twice last week because who keeps tracks of your outfits in college, so I've had to expand my wardrobe to a black sweater I have which is making me miss my gray sweater.

I also was busy typing up a response I have to do for one of my classes, which I don't even care that much about, and Learning Suite deleted the whole thing which made me want to cry or swear but instead I got up, went to the bathroom, and am waiting to meet with my peer mentor so I can get a cookie and hot chocolate.  Fist pump to Hub days, which also explains the plethora of BYU mugs I have, which never made sense because Anne isn't exactly dedicated to BYU paraphernalia until now when I realized Anne got some as a freshman herself and probably as a peer mentor later.

I recognize that this is full of run-on sentences which would make Darlee cringe and use up all of her red ink pens in editing notations, but I am about two versions of Othello and one Stats assignment beyond caring.

Sidenote, Shakespearean tragedies always end in tragedy.   Spoiler alert to everyone who hasn't read Othello yet, but everyone dies.  I could tell you exactly how every Shakespeare tragedy ends.  70% of the cast dies, either by unfortunate accidents or unbalanced people consumed by jealousy of something that isn't even true.  25% of the cast has the privilege of living, but in such harrowing disability caused by someone else that their quality of life is slim to nil, especially considering the Middle Ages and everything. The 5% leftover lives the rest of their life grieving or are so obscure in the play that you forget about them as you are overwhelmed with grief for the rest of the cast.

My roommate and I are also going to the Finance Society Opening Social tonight simply because they are giving away free J-Dawgs, and it's on our bucket list.  There is something so collegy about going to an event simply because of the free food that partly makes me happy we are making the bucket list so much of an adventure and partly makes me embarrassed for the frugality that all college students live with.  Also, a hot dog at 7 p.m. is borderline acceptable, but a hot dog at 8 p.m. makes me want to throw up.  I am looking forward to having everyone ask us questions about finance and having to come up with a way to slip out without seeming overly tacky and like we were only there for the free hot dog.  

xo. Elise

All the things.

We have a cute little neighbor who constantly talks about all the things.  All the boys.  All the clothes.  All the fun.  And I feel like all the things is an accurate description for life these days. 

It's been a while since I've felt like writing here.  Sometimes I am so exhausted of constantly trying, smiling, cleaning, talking, writing, organizing, all of it.  It is a lot of work to be human, and sometimes it just takes everything to get to bed.  Not even at a decent hour, just in bed at all.  

But I am feeling better today.  I woke up feeling slightly foggy.  Rain is romantic when you don't have to walk in it.  No sun seems like a good idea in the heat of the July.  My outfit reminded me of my junior year, completely overdone and uninspired.  It wasn't even that bad, but it was another manifestation of how my creativity is lacking.  

And then I realized that I am tired of giving away my power.  I am tired of letting other people determine how I feel.  I am tired of allowing my fears get the best of me.  I'm tired of constantly living up to other people's expectations.  I have so many things that are completely in my control, yet I am fettering away my power to other people.  Why?  It's a syndrome of people pleasing and tightrope walking, neither of which I'm ok with.  

So I decided that I am going to take it back.  I don't need to dodge places, feelings, and people because I'm scared.  I don't have to around and constantly compare.  I'm ok.  

So tomorrow.  Tomorrow I'm taking it back. I am tired of giving away my power.  

Cheers to a new Tuesday! 

xo. Elise 

18 Going on 19

It's so strange to think that I completed my third list #go# list. I remember the moment I wrote my first one.  It was during Sacrament Meeting, right after I didn't make the volleyball team that I wanted.  I was devastated since my identity had been snatched up right from underneath me.  And it was awful.  I was angry and started writing down every single thing I did that had nothing to do with volleyball.  And that is where the sixteen items came from.  And it felt good to see in black and white that I was a girl who was more than just a sport.  The gift of perspective has taught me that I have always been more than a simple game, trophy, record, grade, score, achievement, and award.  I am more than any number or talent.  And I am grateful that this silly, little list has helped me see that. 

I know some people don't really 'get' my obsession with lists.  Not going to lie, there have definitely been moments that I don't get them either.  I actually gave up on lists in October, and it is so freeing.  As time goes on, I'm learning that goals and lists aren't everything.  Sometimes it's ok to drop it all.  But I want to continue with this list.  I love New Year's with a very healthy obsession, and I want this year's list to be full of beautiful things that I truly love.  I want to use this list to accomplish things that make my heart sing.  I have a really really good feeling about 2015.  

My birthday is in three days (3!).  It's funny, I didn't want to turn 18 last year.  It seemed too old and too scary for me to handle.  Yet here I am, feeling completely ready to be 19.  I can handle it.  Turning 18 was such a beautiful experience.  My senior year really was going perfectly.  My mom threw me the best surprise party.  I was accomplishing a lot and really loving it.  

Now I'm turning 19 with a great life.  I get along with my roommates, I love my college, and I'm close with my family.  I've developed a fun friend group.  I'm feeling hopeful.  

Recap of my 18go19 list: 

Go to college. (This was so hard but so good in the best way possible). 

Graduate high school. (One of the few days that I remember as being so absolutely perfect.  A celebration of a phase that was so good for me.)

Make a new dessert. (I can't even remember what the first one was, but I've tried so many this year!  From French macaroons, custard ice cream, peanut butter bars, berry crisp, etc).

Try swimming (This was pretty much a fail, but I tried it, even if it was hard).

Run a 1/2 marathon (or 10k) (Wow, I actually did this! One of the few things that kept me sane during the summer (or maybe it kept me insane).  This was so hard but crossing the finish lines is still one of the most rewarding things I've done.  I finished the race, had breakfast, and proceeded to move out later that afternoon.  Take about crazy).

Do yoga. (hehe, done the day before the half marathon.  I actually really liked it, but I haven't done it since). 

Make gelato. (Booyah, strawberry gelato.  Check).

Create a holiday. (August 15th--saying goodbye to summer.  A school year New Year's Eve.)

Try a new art form. (Counting coloring with crayons for my December Advent.  I also am counting all of the cooking I've done and decorating my dorm).

Read a biography. (Boys in a Boat.  Fascinating read, I really learned a lot).

Organize room. (Counting setting up my room at BYU and leaving my room at home). 

Start a tradition. (Make banana bread on the first snowfall of the year). 

Create a time capsule. (Wrote it down and put it in the little envelope in my high school journal).

Try a new ice cream flavor. (Actually made it a goal to try all of the flavors at the BYU Creamery so I am definitely accomplishing that goal). 

Dance in public. (The Sweetheart's Dance I danced my heart out and loved it, p.s.)

Create a hidden sanctuary. (Balcony at the JFSB.  Actually that whole building.  I kind of love it.  Also, the bench across the street from it with the old bell). 

Listen to someone. (Really tried to do that this year).

Do that thing that terrifies you. (I did a lot of these this year.  Sterling Scholar.  We the People. A.P. tests.  Debate state.  Graduation.  Half marathon.  Move to college.  Volunteer with Student Alumni.  Take finals. Go to class.  I mostly put this on my list to remind myself to do the hard things.  It's easier for me to do that thing that scares me when I know I can cross it off my list).  

My heart is so full tonight.  I had the best time talking to my sister and almost cried when I saw how much she loved her students and how much they loved her.  My parents are the sweetest.  Life is just so good.  And I am going to continue to relish in this for as long as I can.  

xo. 

Elise 

Isn't it funny?

I think it's funny when you have moments that drag you back to your insecure, tenth grade self.  It usually catches me by surprise, as I typically think I'm over that kind of fear or insecurity, but nope, it's right back again.

I heard some news yesterday about a scholarship that should put me at ease with my abilities and potential.  I have had countless opportunitites that should give me the confidence to not worry about the little things any more.

Yet, as I sit down to help edit a paper someone asked me to do, I freeze.  I see other's comments.  I wonder how on earth I would be qualified to give my two cents.  Why me?  I didn't do anything extraordinary in the aspect.

In some ways it's nice to feel this insecurity, I guess.  It's a good reminder of who I am, how I need to still recognize the help that I've gotten, etc.

I don't  know why certain people serve as a trigger, and I can't help but revert to that girl in the gold, shiny metallic skirt. I'm thinking that everyone feels this, and grown adults often catch their breath in surprise when they realize they are no better than their middle school self.

xo. Elise

Origins

This whole blog started because I had a list of goals.  16 things to do before I turned 17.

I have continued that, and today I crossed one off today.

It was the first snowfall, amazingly enough everyone let me know that through every single social media platform possible.  Got it.

Anyway, I was trudging home today and knew I had two gross-o bananas that I needed to use.  So I decided to cross off #12 from list today of my 18 going on 19 list.

I decided to make banana bread every year on the day of the first snow fall.

And so I did. (check)

xo. Elise

I should note, that this is NOT what the weather looked like today.  But it's a pretty shot, so I would get over your accuracy issue.