Basic Math

In a disorderly world, I pride myself on being able to add some control. The best way I’ve found, one taught to me since I was kindergarten, was to apply a simple math equation. In sixth grade, the public schooling system contributed to my education of controlling the universe by teaching me how to find ‘x’, and from then on it was merely plug and play. 

If five plus x equals two, what is x? Answer: two. 

As I’ve reached adulthood, I’ve added my own spin on it. 

If I’m feeling insecure plus x equals confidence, what is x? The best thing of adulthood math is it is a choose your own adventure (or as I like to say, choose your own vice, ha). X equals too much caffeine, mindless scrolling, long and complainy phone calls to my parents, gossiping about my roommates, or shopping for things I don’t need. 

The equation is solved, my insecurity kept at bay, and I can feel satisfied in my small flexing of power. 

And I’ve always said I’m bad at math. 

To be frank, this math system is pretty inept in solving any problems. I try to exert some control so I don’t feel like I am lost and small, and instead I end up feeling miserly, broke, and bloated because my numbing devices surprisingly didn’t help. 

I was listing my faults today, really running through the whole gambit. I spend too much money. I have sweaty palms, often. I’ve had gray hairs since I was 17. I talk too much, but I am too quiet in meetings. I eat too much candy and don’t know how to do my hair or makeup. 

I expected to balance out all of these negative traits with my usual litany of good things about me. I make good cookies. I dress well. I send thank you cards. I remember people birthdays. I work hard. 

Instead, the only thought that came to mind was, "I am His daughter and I am made with purpose."  For whatever reason, this one positive statement more than made up for the negative variables I had plugged into my equation.  

I am continually looking for the return on investment and for the variables to balance out.  I can cope with my failings through the consolation that my strengths will balance out, and at least grant me an equilibrium.  Yes, I may have really crappy parts of myself, but at least I can even the scorecard.  

But the best thing about God is that all math is erased and all inadequacies are full.  

I am His daughter and I am made with a purpose. 

Mathematics be damned.