17 Year Old Testimony

I was looking at a picture of Christ today, the one that is in every church building and seminary room.  I remember looking at that picture when I was younger, just examining it.  I wanted to communicate with God.  I wanted to understand my Savior's role in my life.  I wanted to feel peace and less stress, and I wanted to know. 

I was reflecting on how far my testimony has come since I was 17, sitting in seminary wondering if everyone else knew, when I just believed.  I wish I could give myself more grace at the time.  I thought I was so old, and I felt like my testimony had to be so perfect.  Surely, after all of the effort I had put into it, it should be correct?  It should be solid, unchanging and constant?  Instead, I've learned that is Christ's role in my life.   He is a foundation I keep falling to. 

I don't know how I can continue to know my Savior better when I believe He is constant and unchanging.  I think it is more to do with me learning to trust Him, again.  And again.  And again.  He is constant, but I learn how to have better faith. 

I have been rereading journal entries from Africa today.  It seems silly to still be unpacking from a trip I took in April, yet I still find myself mentally shifting through what was left.  I remember how close Heavenly Father felt during those two weeks.  I felt like I was living from tender mercy to tender mercy, and mostly grateful when a prayer was answered in the form of a stick of gum or a flushing toilet. 

Heavenly Father is there for me.  My Savior has been a constant in my life.  I am working on better understanding the Holy Ghost.  Life has been feeling like a treadmill, hard and inevitable.  When I think back to 17 year old Elise, I feel hope.  Things will get better.  I will understand my relationship with God better.  And that helps with all of it. 

Tidbits

It took me an hour and a half to get through customs in Uganda, and I didn't meet up with Lanyero until 11:30.  We had a two hour ride back to her house, and I was operating on maybe an hour of sleep in who knows how many hours. 

Lanyero asked me if I wrote poetry, surprised, I said yes.  She requested that I write a poem for the Relief Society activity on Saturday about Mary, the mother of Christ.  I agreed, and I wrote a poem, even though I was horribly embarrassed.  I usually write poetry about heartbreak, and writing it for a bunch of strangers was not what I had in mind.  I have since deleted the poem, which I feel a small amount of regret about, but not enough to try to conjure up what I wrote. 

I learned that you will agree to practically anything when driving the bumpy roads of Uganda at 12:30 am in a complete stranger's car who you will be living with for the next two weeks. 

In any case, I do like to write poems, and although it's a little vulnerable to be doing this at all, I have written a few lines that I just love:

"I went home feeling broken and unfixable, and you came out of the blue.  Carrying only a hammer, but was enough to fix me.  I didn't know it would eventually shatter me, since everything is a nail."

"What happens when you're in a foreign country, so the only reading you can do is between the lines."

"The tired part of me nods, and knows that it was never about the equator."

"And I just have to ask, is there anything lonelier than the Cafe Rio line on a Monday after work?"

"I feel like they are chinks in my armor that leave me exposed, but I wonder if those small holes are letting God in."

"Maybe the secret truly is living long and existing wide and hoping to find a spot that is large enough to allow you to breath deep breathes, instead of absent-minded sighs."

xo. Elise
 

TBH

My body still aches everywhere, and I am just assuming it's because it is still trying to figure out what time zone I'm in.  I realized that I will be sleeping in my own bed for the first time all year tomorrow.  I am slightly terrified about moving back down to Provo, so I am quietly contemplating just living with my parents forever.  Hey Mom and Dad, I would be a great houseguest, right? 

I told my sister that I feel like I have been on a boat for the past few months.  I remember my 22nd birthday was actually kind of exhausting because everything seemed to be changing and different.  Moving out, leaving for Spain, ending college--it all seemed too much.  Ever since then, everything has had a sense of temporariness which is tiring, but also comforting.  Nothing is permanent, nothing has to stay the same, if it's bad, it will soon be over, if it's good, it's enough to survive on. 

I didn't know if I wanted Spain in my life, and now I am shockingly sentimental and searching for small memories and reminders.  I was positive I wanted Uganda in my life, and now I look at pictures, still a little surprised that I survived.  I knew I wanted a European trip to happen, and I am still really tired, but very happy. 

Someone asked me what I've been up to, and I didn't even know how to answer.  That is a little discombobulating, but also soothing.  Permanence can hurt and seem like a tidal wave.  I don't necessarily advocate for constant change, but when you are feeling very uncomfortable with your identity, it is a really great way to numb your panic. 

Part of me wants to live free and open, without chocolate chip cookies or social media to protect me.  The other part of me wants to just. keep. running. 

A really wise and mature part of me knows that the not starting is actually much scarier than just starting.  A job, an apartment, a social life will all anchor me, but right now it feels like it will drown me (oohhh dramatic metaphors?  I like it). 

All this to say, I'M FREAKING OUT. 

How is your Tuesday evening going?

xo. Elise

4 Years

I just want to take a moment to recap college.  Lol, can't actually do that in one blogpost, but wow, such a happy four years for me.  I was so excited about college. It is something you work towards for the longest time, and I am happy to report it is even better than I imagined.  I remember after my first semester being in shock that life could be that good.  That college was better than everyone said.  That it would be so much fun.  The day my parents left me at BYU, I walked around campus, and I walked to the Tanner Building.  I was limping because of my half marathon the day before, but I opened the doors, and there was just a whoosh of air.  I have always loved that building.  There are fountains on nearly every floor and an entire roof full of windows.  It always seems just a little bit warmer, and I think it reminds me of the National Gallery in D.C., and I just love it.  I started walking down the stairs, and I just felt like my dreams were going to come true.  Such a small memory, one where I was mostly freaking out about the fact that my parents had actually left, but there was so much promise in that blue building. 

I took a moment on Friday to go back there and just feel the power there.  It's humbling to think about what has happened over the past four years.  So many aspects of my life are normal now, that I forget the miracles.  I truly felt such happiness and truly felt despair.  I didn't know I could feel that perfect or feel that hopeless.  I didn't know I could make such good friends and then be strangers in a few months.  I didn't know that I could function on that little sleep.  I didn't know that I was actually really great at throwing parties or making slide decks or baking chocolate chip cookies. 

I didn't know I would graduate college having visited 21 countries.  I didn't know that I would receive a full-ride scholarship that would dictate my full-time job (or what I did with my summer vacations).  I didn't know I would have four internships and participate in two study abroads.  I didn't know I would actually go and work on a development project.  I didn't know I would run nine half marathons.  I didn't know I would compete in four case competitions.  I didn't know I would get into the program of my dreams.  I didn't know I would say goodbye over and over again to basically every friend I made, but then I would keep making such good friends along the way. 

In the wake of graduation, I have been struggling to find purpose or success in my college experience.  What did all of it even really mean?  Why did I work so hard, and in a lot of ways, sacrifice so much (including my peace of mind)?  Was it worth it?  What did I even really do?  I don't have a life-plan, five year plan, or three month plan and that puts me characteristically out of control. 

I am working on practicing grace and giving myself time to figure out the answers.  I have taken hundreds of quizzes, dozens of tests, and submitted innumerable assignments.  I have lost hundreds of hours of sleep and made too many presentations.  I have read thousands of pages and typed too many essays.  I have learned about dynamic capabilities and how pine trees reproduce and transitional justice theory.  The investment in college is staggering.  I can't comprehend how much I have learned and changed, both inside and outside of the classroom. 

And when I look back on these four years, if I were to draw up a 'Top Ten Lessons I learned in College' list, I realized that there is one thing that would literally alternate every singe lesson.  God. is. there. for. you. 

This has been the biggest question of my college career.  The question I grapple with late at night, early in the morning, and over my lunch break.  It is the prayer I chant when I am scared or worried.  It is what I search the scriptures for and keep my eyes open for when I am looking for tender mercies.  It is the prayer I sob in the temple parking lot and what I write in my journal. 

I am not perfect in my belief or my faith.  It still is shaky in my feeble execution and practice.  But, above everything else, I have learned that God is there. 

Things I've Learned--Final

It's strange, to be here at this point.  I first wrote up the things I learned four years ago, after my first semester.  I remember writing it in the JSB, probably waiting for marketing or philosophy or my Book of Mormon class.  I remember feeling like I had learned so much, so many simple lessons, and I didn't want to forget any of them.  After every season of life, I felt the same way, so here we are, with me recording my last semester of lessons, as I study for my last college test of my career. 

I've learned that learning a language is hard, harder and more humbling than I expected.  I came in as a senior, a mini-expert on college and business, yet very few of those skills are transferrable when one of your teachers doesn't even speak English.  I learned that eating at a cafeteria isn't all bad, especially when they have bread every day.  I learned that I am still a fan of rice pudding.  I learned that daily (or mostly daily) walks are good for me because they are small adventures.  I've learned that chocolate chip cookies are really the thing I miss most about home, even amidst the land of excellent pastry.  I've learned that metros are nothing to be afraid of, and taking trains is also really not scary at all.  I've learned that you can become friends with people you have nothing really in common with, but it's ok.  I've learned what it's like to be with someone nearly 24/7 for 11 weeks, and this introvert survived just fine.  I learned that treadmills in km are the best.  I've learned that not having service for most of the day is actually really great.  I've learned to relax in a few things, but I have also learned what is important to me and what I am willing to fight for.  I've learned that I am more of a routine person than I expected, and brushing my teeth twice a day is very important to me.  I've learned to read books, even when I really don't want to finish them.  I've learned that you can actually communicate a lot, even though you don't speak the same language.  I've learned that what you do in high school actually does matter because those verb conjugations from years ago have helped.  I've learned I don't actually need plastic bags to grocery shop.  I've learned how to find the cheapest Coke.  I've learned how to plan trips and decide for myself what I want to do.  I've learned that you can survive on only three pairs of leggings.  I've learned that it is colder in Spain than I expected.  I've learned that when you are away from everyone, it can be lonely.  I've learned that sometimes you wish you hadn't left, but you are grateful for this season.  I've learned that I am proud of who I am, and I've learned that God is still there.  I've learned that the Spanish healthcare system is mildly horrible, but I can communicate if needed in Spanish.  I've learned that for me, the taste of Spain will be Diet Coke, oranges, and Milka Oreo bars.  I've learned Spanish Netflix is pretty cool. 

I could go on and on, per usual.  There are so many glimmers of life here that I don't want to forget, but I am also ready for this small chapter to be closed.  I came up with this whole study abroad idea last winter, when I was lonely and hurt and tired.  And I am grateful that I kept at it, researching and finding the right place for me.  I didn't need this adventure like I needed it last winter--the idea of it helped more than I can articulate.  However, I am so very grateful I've had it.  Spain is always going to have a little bit of me, and I don't even know how to write how beautiful I think that is.

xo. Elise

Happy, Free, Confused Lessons

Before I get nostalgic for 2017 and my 21st year (that's tomorrow, so get excited), I wanted to write 10 more lessons that I learned being a 21 year old.  My first ten lessons were written when I felt like I was finally coming back into myself.  And I am really grateful to feel like this year ended on a high note.  That is actually really special.  So, 10 more lessons I learned being a 21 year old. 

1.  I am big into traditions, and a couple of weeks ago I realized I didn't do half of my 'traditions'.  I didn't get pumpkin waffles at Waffle Love, I didn't make banana bread on the first snowfall.  I didn't eat my pomegranate yogurt on the last day of class.  (Um, all of my traditions have to do with food?).  I didn't hike the Y or have a General Conference breakfast party.  All of these things I used to do, and I just didn't this year.  But I made a lot of new traditions, like going to Cafe Rio or getting Costco hot dogs.  I guess I learned that new definitions of yourself are important.  And it was a good reminder to me to be a little bit more flexible in what could be considered fun.
2.  I learned God is there.  I sometimes feel like my testimony is constantly on this cycle of figuring this out, but this year I hit a new low.  And I am not sure I can convey the state of emergency that I felt I was in.  There are a couple days in particular, that I felt like I was at the edge.  Part of me was screaming, look, I am in so much pain that I don't need to believe in a God who isn't there.  When I write that, it seems dramatic and bizarre.  But I love this story because God is there.  He. Is. There.  I am not always sure why or how or where or any of that, but I do know He is there.  And I am so grateful for that.
3.  I learned that answers to prayers, no, not prayers, that's not right.  I learned that God's plan is really revealed one step at a time and that He can truly change our hearts.  I have seen a change in my life, over this past semester and over this past year.  And I am grateful for it.  Because sometimes you think you are going to be stuck, tired and unsatisfied forever.  But God is a God of change, that's what the Atonement and the Plan of Happiness is all about.
4. I realized that I am a really good friend.  And a good celebrator.  Honestly, this can be a hard thing, a lesson I learned this year.  I have felt abandoned and left by people I had given my deepest trust.  But I am also proud how I continue to celebrate people and continue to invest in those around me.  My mom told me that I take after my Grandma--she was a big celebrator.  And honestly?  I will gladly carry that legacy, even if it is sometimes hurtful.  And it makes me happy to continue to try to be like Christ and be a good friend.  I think it is a worthy cause. 
5. I realized that I am not super great at working in group projects.  I always thought I was good at it?  But I'm really not.  And we are all relieved that I am done with this semester (with 4 group projects!).  It was a good lesson though, and something I need to be aware of heading into my career. 
6.  God gives us what we pray for and sincerely hope for.  He isn't petty, even though I sometimes try to figure out His plan through my petty and insecure head.  It is worth hanging up the boxing gloves when dealing with Heavenly Father because He really knows what He is doing.
7.  I really like learning, and I'm really happy I had such a positive experience at BYU.  This is an important trait for me to learn because I need to be conscious of it going forward.  I realized that even if work is incredibly boring, I can still learn from it.  That is helpful to remember.
8.  I learned it is incredibly rewarding to make decisions based on what is best for Elise.  I am such an outsourcer and a researcher and an opinion-asker.  This is helpful when buying shoes?  But for my life decisions?  I can make my own decisions, and I can do it confidently.  For me, this has meant planning a trip, saying no to a relationship, choosing a study abroad, and accepting a full-time job offer.  All of these decisions have caused a lot of stress and worry, but I am proud of the life I am creating. 
9. I realized I have enough grit to crawl out of some pretty terrible months.  I realized I have it in me to be happy again, and that is pretty cool to me.  Being happy takes so much work, but I am proud of myself for working towards it, purposefully and often.
10.  This world is beautiful and it is full of so much.  New York City, Prince Edward Island, St. George, Palm Springs, Washington D.C., even West Chester.  All of these places are out there full of good food and sunshine and that is just beautiful to me.  It's out there to see, with different sunsets and late nights and weird smells and traffic and I love it. 
10.5  I keep learning this, but good people keep coming, and some really great people, stay for the whole thing.  I feel so in debt to the people who stuck with me, even though I was struggling.  And I am so grateful to the people who let me in, even though I was still a little fragile and wildly unsure.  And I just think that's beautiful too.  Good people. 

xo. Elise

20 Going on 21

I just had the realization that I am living out my last day as a 20 year old.  I'm just confused on how I got to this point.  21 was the age...well the age of everything.  It was officially the old age when I was younger.   But for being a 21 year old?  I'm just feeling overwhelmingly grateful for these chances, opportunities, and experiences.

Some memories from being 20:
- Mocktail party, snow-shoeing, J-Dawgs, Street 180 tacos, and a date all in one weekend.
- Valentine's Weekend with Anne
- Falling in the lake at the ward party
- Making salsa and guacamole often
- Getting shakes and jamming out to country music, only to head home and hear a date recap
- Talking about being a squad all night and watching Inception at midnight
- Playing hot sauce baseball in the kitchen
- Being asked to make lasagna and talking with friends for hours
- Going to Mooyah's on the hard days (spontaneous!)
- 8 a.m. classes everyday--> Econ with Laura!
- Starting another internship at Lucid Software
- Hour-long commute, holla (but not really because that's rough)
- Work retreat at Zion's--> hiking Angel's Landing, paint-balling, skeet shooting, zip-lining, jeep rides
- Running the Ogden Half Marathon with my sister and dad
- Finishing the prerequisites + applying for the strategy program
- Playing volleyball with 11 boys in the rain
- Having people come to my parent's house for the weekend
- Being a peer mentor, not being a peer mentor, working part-time for Lucid
- Having an apartment troubadour, BWW's, movie night every night (with cookies)
-Bon Voyage party with Los Hermanos + a doctor's appointment beforehand
- Traveling the world--> 11 countries, 3 continents, a lot of flights in 40 days.
-Finland: strawberries, blueberry ice cream, salted black licorice, temple trip, island sunshine
-England: London tour guide, Oxford debate, bad sunburn
-Czech Republic: Strategy program interview, turtlenecks, paddle-boating
-Austria: mountains, running, Eagle's nest, salt mine
-Germany: rain, rain, rain, Munich, BMW factory, closed heel shoes, best breakfasts
-Switzerland: Geneva, Nestle, expensive ice cream, temple, pizza, mountains, hills, acceptance!
-Italy: gelato (too much, yet not enough), pizza, Lake Como, so hot, difficult conversations
-South Africa: chilly, temple, Mandela, dancing kids, safari, buffets (custard alllll day)
-India: playing with kids in Mumbai, Taj Mahal, curry, curry, curry, Old Dehli, saris
- Thailand: Pad Thai, large Buddhas, new dresses, favorite necklace, riding elephants
-China: Great Wall (in jeans!), Beijing Times Square, Tiananmen Square, best eggplant of my life
- Hiking Timp--> harder than expected
- Outdoor concert with Mom and Dad
- First semester in the strategy program (holla)
- Recruiting with McKinsey/first interview with Bain
- 2 half marathons in one month --> Pink Series and Haunted Half
- Monthly dinners and weekly lunches with study abroad friends
- Semi-annual General Conference breakfasts
-Surprise party for Shay // Blacksheep Cafe for Alesha's birthday
- Visiting Alesha in the Y-Serve office, listening to Laura's life
- Visits from friends on long homework nights
- Late nights in the Tanner (soooo long)
- Thanksgiving in Arizona // Friendsgiving x2
- Flying out for an interview (13th night alone in a hotel in PA)
- Driving to the temple, going there every week
- Breakfast sandwiches disappointments
- Seeing all of my high school friends again --> weekend in Provo!
- Bringing a 'Make it Rain' poster to intramural games
- Discovering 'Salted Caramel Pretzel Twist' at the Creamery <-- Best flavor ever
- Shopping in Park City with roommates // Anne
- Case competitions (up all nighttttttt)

I've always liked this picture of me, right outside Mother Theresa's orphanage.  It's a good life, and I am one dang lucky (almost) 21 year old.  

This is college. Wow.

Tonight, in these past ten minutes, I've realized that college, in its very depth of everything, is a good place to be.

Let's list out some reasons, ok?
1. My roommate and I wandered the entire Creamery in search of the perfect snack.  She choose coconut Outshine bars.  I chose blueberry muffin mix because nostalgia.
2.  I had guacamole for dinner with an apple and some of my favorite yogurt.
3.  A friend stopped by and we talked about this boy she is convinced is perfect for me.
4.  I am dropping muffins off and talking with a friend to commiserate about his love life.  The muffins are payback for my resume he kindly printed for me in a moment of need.
5.  I have been able to wear a sweatshirt for majority of this day, while at home.
6.  I bought a New Yorker subscription, meaning that I will receive a free tote bag, 12 happy mail days, and a chance to pro/con with my roommate.  That's a lot of bang for your happiness buck.
7.  I found some good music to listen to on my discounted Spotify account because student.
8.  I did watch some Gilmore Girls today, a series I have started and almost finished all throughout my distinguished 2 years at college.

There are a whole slew of reasons why college was hard today.  Why college was not fun and consisting of muffins and blind dates.  But in some moments, it is good.  And it is happy.   And I've come to recognize this stage of life is so fleeting and small and precious and beautiful.

Another example why college is great: when an ironing board is on the wedding registry.  So you are that person who carries it in, almost knocking over the pile of gifts and the small children running around.  Classy, always classy in #39.  

Favorite Picture

I have been trying to write something poetic and significant, but what I really want to say is this is my favorite picture of me right now: 

I had just finished my interview for the strategy program.  I stayed in our first night in Prague and balanced my iPad to make it work.  

I love this picture because I look happy.  I look powerful.  I look like I'm going somewhere, and I'm confident.  I was feeling sick and dehydrated all day.  I was tired and sunburned (really bad sunburn).  I was so nervous I could barely see straight.  

But look at me.  I don't look defeated.  And I know it's dumb to be reading all of that in one selfie, but looking back at my life, I'm proud of this girl that I've become.  I'm proud of what I've accomplished, and I am very proud of what I've worked hard to achieve.  And this picture is my favorite because looking at it reminds me to start acting like the girl God put a lot of faith in.  

xo. Elise 

And I'm off!

This is one of those situations where I decided to ask for forgiveness instead of permission.  I am currently using Anne's laptop because I felt an urge to write down some thoughts before I start globetrotting.

What a life I lead.  Tomorrow I leave for 5 and a half weeks to travel to 11 different countries, 3 different continents, and who knows how many cities.  Sometimes I sit back and I am in shock that this is my life.  This is what I do.  I am that girl who is beyond lucky.  Lucky for this chance.  Lucky for the people in my life who have made it happen.  Lucky for the people who are ok with saying goodbye to me for 5 weeks.  Blessed, blessed, blessed.

People keep reminding me that this is a life-altering trip.  I couldn't agree more.  What I'm going to see and what I'm going to experience is going to fundamentally change me, whether I know it or not.  And I am grateful that I get these next 5 weeks to become whoever I want to be.

I'm starting this trip out with a little infection (nbd) and a little nervousness.  I will find out about my program--end all be all on this trip.  I'm a little sad that I won't be around my people when I get the news, but in a lot of ways I'm grateful that I will be out of the country.  Away from the people who will ask prodding questions.  Away from the business boys who always seem to come into my life at inconvenient times.  And you know what?  Whatever happens, it will be fine.  Maybe Econ is the major for me?   Maybe I will get into all three of the programs I applied for.  Who knows?  Well, Heavenly Father does, and He is so excited for me.  And I'm grateful that I have Heavenly Parents who are thrilled for however things turn out.  I'm grateful that I have earthly Parents who are excited for me either way.  I'm grateful I have a best friend who lets me steal her laptop and lets me cry and laugh.

It's going to be ok.  It's going to be more than ok.  And I'm grateful for that knowledge and that testimony of faith that I have fought on a daily basis for.  I'm grateful for the peace that has come into my life and for the tender mercies that truly are there every single day.

I'm excited to go do something a little crazy and a little wild and a little (read: a lot) out of my comfort zone.  I think it's time I'm pushed.

And I can't wait.

xo. Elise

Surprise!

I got to go to Anne's surprise party today, and I absolutely loved seeing her walk into the door.  I got to socialize with all of her little ward friends, which isn't much difference than when I would socialize with her high school friends.  hehe.  She walked into the door and started crying, and then she saw me and we basically both started crying.  I love that I got to surprise her, I don't think she ever expected me.  I love that I got to give her that gift.

We all went to lunch tomorrow yesterday, as a family.  We had some of the best pizza I've ever had, followed up with Nielsen's, which is the best thing ever.  I left feeling completely full, not just of delicious food but of the best feeling of safety.  I realized that spending time with my family is sacred.  It didn't necessarily used to be that way.  We were always together, and so it didn't seem that special.  But now that we don't live together, it is such a special time.

I am so humbled to have them in my life.  I still can't believe that I get to spend forever with them, what a privilege and an honor.  Not just this time, but forever.  Do you recognize how miraculous that is?  I am so blessed.

And happy birthday, Anne.  I didn't express it nearly enough today, but you are my best friend.  That's all I can say, but thank you.  I hope you understand on some level how grateful I am for you.  Thanks for being the best.

xo. Elise

Different

I was walking around campus tonight, looking at the beautiful fall colors.  I was thinking about my experience as a freshman and how exciting it was.  Everything seemed fun.  Every person was someone new to meet.  My independence thrilled me.

And now it's fall again and it seems a whole lot harder this time around.  Classes?  Harder.  Living situation?  Harder.  Pressure?  Harder.  Homework?  Harder.  Work?  Much harder because it wasn't even on my radar last year.

I came into this year (2015) feeling like it was going to be a really good and really hard year.   I look back to January and I don't think I've ever been more correct about anything in my life.  I can feel myself evolving and growing.  I feel infinitely older than my young nineteen years old self.  Every season seems to have pushed me.

But this human experience is worthwhile because I can feel that something is happening.  Something is brewing.  And in between then, I'm going to continue to write thank you notes to my professors who I can tell had a rough day.  I'm going to buy butter to replace the butter I used from my roommate so she can make banana bread.  I'm going to run two miles and be shocked this body of mine ever ran thirteen because wow it was difficult.

xo. Elise

August 15th

Yesterday was August 15th, the day I deemed a holiday last year on my 18 going on 19 list.  At the beginning of the year, I put celebrate August 15th on my list of goals.  I had big plans about celebrating it, even though none of them were concrete.  As the year has progressed, and as my motivation decreased, I didn't have any great plans for yesterday.  I forgot it was my holiday until midmorning.  And the rest of the day felt like a secret party.

I didn't write down any goals or reflect on the past year.  I did go see a movie with my parents, stop by the farmer's market, see the progress on the house, and go on a seven mile run.  It was a basic Saturday, but as I settled into the movie theater with a handful of popcorn, it felt like a celebration.

I didn't even splurge on a dessert yesterday, and somehow not doing that and celebrating a holiday seem incongruous to me.  But I'm realizing that it's ok.  Leading a good life, full of celebration and parties is a great way to live.  But it doesn't always have to be loud.  And sometimes celebrating something is a small feeling deep inside you that sends a thrill down your spine.

My view of celebration has changed, and I'm ok with that.

xo. Elise

Goodbyes

As I was driving home today, I realized I am anxious to get to a spot in my life that is settled.  A slightly preposterous thing to want since I am in a time where nothing in my life is settled.  I have too many transitions to count coming up in the next few years, and right now, that is disheartening.

I really would like to just have a friend stay, instead of leaving.  I would really like to not have to say goodbye to myself every couple of months, as a new Elise parades in with the old insecurities and familiar fears, yet a completely different reaction to everything else.  I would appreciate just being able to go and see the cherry tree in my backyard, without remembering how much everything has changed since last year--probably the biggest change being that we don't have a cherry tree in our backyard anymore.

Sometimes the idea of new new new is enticing and intoxicating.  I have so many relationships in my life that I would love to let just slip and disappear.  Clean slates have always been my favorite, and I love seeing the fresh new start.

But right now I'm mostly just sad that my friend is leaving me, yet again.  And the same old goodbye routine isn't fun or exciting anymore.  And it mostly just makes me grumpy.

xo. Elise

Golden Anniversary

Today is my parent's 26th wedding anniversary.  I couldn't be more proud of them.  I often wonder about my life because sometimes it seems like a miracle.  I don't know how I lucked out with those two people in my life.  They are awe-inspiring in their professional fields, and I would be blessed to be as good at my future career as they are.  I hope that I like it as much as they seem to.  I will constantly work on having a marriage like theirs.  I am amazed at the teamwork they show.  I have been blessed to always see the strength of their relationship, but it has been especially fun this past year.  They act like newlyweds and aren't afraid to have adventures.  They go out and do things together.  They aren't afraid to try new things.  They are both dedicated to the Gospel and have been pivotal in helping me gain my own testimony.  I'm also very grateful for their friendship.  I love talking with them and spending time with them.

Out of all my role models, these two top the list.  I wouldn't be who I am without them, and am grateful to my Heavenly Father who blessed me with them.

Happy Golden Anniversary, you two.  You are the best parents that I've met, and it is a privilege to be your daughter.

xo. Elise

Finals 3&4

The first of my roommates just left.  About 20 minutes ago.  And wow, that's a sobering thought.  I know that this week would be hard, and I was expecting it.  But I didn't expect to feel this uneasy and shocked.

I officially only have one final left.  That's it.  It's my hardest one, so it's going to require studying for three days straight.  Everything is slowly wafting down and coming to a close.

It's terrifying, but still really really good.

Last night my friends and I went to the Cannon Center because Alesha hadn't been this year.  It was pure bliss to not cook anything yesterday or have to do dishes.  Seriously, a burger never tasted so good.  Also, the frozen yogurt was some of the best I've had.  Ever.

Anyway, I am done with 5/6 of my finals.  And things are working out.  I'm feeling settled, but still sad.  There is that tendril inside of me that keeps reminding me that this is it.  This is my last Saturday, here, in this bedroom.  And wow, it's all sorts of crazy to think that.

It's embarrassing how many plates we had + how long it took us to get the self-timer right.  

We were walking home, and wow, the lighting was perfect.  This year has been so beautiful.  

A selfie to prove that yes, I am surviving.  Not exactly getting ready, but details. 

To be completely honest, I am not loving this stage right now. I don't love finals.  I don't love saying goodbye.  I don't love leaving.  The only thing that is making it semi ok is Park City next week.  But this week is still going to be hard.  And Monday, so help me, is going to be awful.  

Cheers for almost being done with finals.  2 Timothy 1:7 is my mantra, and I've been writing it on my scratch paper for every test. 

xo. Elise 

Good Things Keep Coming

Around this time last year, I was nervous and stressed and going out of my mind preparing for the culmination of my senior year.  I hadn't really decided where I was going to college.  Every one kept bringing it up.  I remember being on a road trip with my dad and getting an email, inviting me to an exclusive reception event for the Huntsman program.

I wrote these words when my mind was going in circles:

"I don't know what to do.  What if I'm supposed to go to BYU? What if I'm supposed to go to USU? How am I supposed to know.  What if I never find the answer.  What if I spend half my life wondering where and when.  I think of all my...

Heavenly Father, I want to get out of Logan.  I want to escape.  I want to leave and be brave.  I want to leave.  And I can't do that at Utah State.  I can't.  Even though it's cheaper.  Even though I may have great opportunities.

What do I really really really really want? I want to leave.  I want to leave Cache Valley."

When you are in the middle of transition and decisions, it seems like you will never see the light.  Things will never be made clear.  And everything is hard and confusing.  And a small part of you is afraid that nothing will be as good as it is right now.

This extremely blurry picture is a testament to me that this is where I'm supposed to be.  I am in the spot, meeting the people I need to meet, having the experiences I am supposed to have.  

And in a year from now, I will wonder why on earth I was sad about my freshman year ending when I was going to meet so many beautiful, great people in this new stage in my life.  

I am grateful I have a Heavenly Father who continually sends good things my way. 

xo. Elise 

My Weekend

It's easy to identify a college freshman because we still have the ecstatically say every time we do anything that resembles college life, we say, We are so college! How cool are we!!

Anyway, last night we had a college night of what started out as a sleepover and ended up at a three a.m. IHOP run with my roommates and some other girls in our ward and an Instagram post.  

And it was so much fun.  Cultivating a group of friends, a group of girls that are really there for you is a really happy feeling.  I love my roommates.  I love my neighbors.  I love the fact I did decently on my tests this week, and this hard week is almost done.  So here are a lot of pictures that you should probably listen to while playing 'Blank Space' or '22.'  Or any T-Swift song because we are typical white girls who listen to Taylor Swift while wearing our leggings with socks pulled over them.  

Finally got a picture while balancing a phone on two take-out boxes on the hood of a random car in the parking lot.  Self-timer feature FTW (for the win). 

Sidenote, this is my stressed out face with nails that haven't been painted in about two years.  

xo. Elise 

19

As I've gotten older, birthdays don't consist of cupcakes at school or birthday parties with party favors and twelve kids running wild.

I've learned that birthdays are a celebration, and I haven't felt so loved in such a long time.  I love seeing so many friendly faces and kind people in my life that show their love for me.  I usually don't feel like I deserve their kindness or their love, but I am so grateful that they show it to me anyway!

To my mom:  The only reason why I am here is because of your sacrifice.  Thank you for sacrificing yourself to be my mom.  I am grateful for you on a daily basis, and literally step back in awe that this amazing woman is my mother.  I don't know what I did to be blessed with you in my life, but I am grateful for your support.  You are there when I call.  You reassure me when I'm bawling.  You laugh with me when I'm giggling.  You put forth extra effort to make sure I feel loved.

To my dad:  You have worked so hard to make sure that I am provided for.  I am insanely blessed, and a lot of it is because of your sacrifice for our family.  You have consciously thought about what you want to teach me and how you want to father me.  I am incredibly, incredibly, incredibly blessed to have you as my dad.  Thank you for teaching me what I need to know and pushing me because you have faith in me.  You have always treated me with respect, and you have (sometimes I feel undeserved) crazy amount of faith in me.  Thank you.

To my sister: You are truly one of my greatest blessings.  You text me when you're bored.  You read my texts when I'm bored.  You pick up the phone when I call.  You write me the kindest notes and give me the sweetest gifts.  You are there for me in a way that very very very few people have been.  You mother me and take care of me and you're sensitive to my needs.  You are my example and the blueprint creator.  Thank you for always being there.  I don't know what I would do without you.

No one else actually reads this blog, but thank you to everyone who has cared about me.  I am so blessed to have had nineteen years on this extraordinary globe.  I am grateful for the interactions I've had, people I've met, trials I've endured, successes I've been blessed with.  My heart is so full of gratitude and love.  And this perfect day started this morning when I opened my eyes to a world of pink.

xo. Elise

Picture of a newly minted 19 year old.  It's going to be a great year you guys.  I can just feel it.  

Origins

This whole blog started because I had a list of goals.  16 things to do before I turned 17.

I have continued that, and today I crossed one off today.

It was the first snowfall, amazingly enough everyone let me know that through every single social media platform possible.  Got it.

Anyway, I was trudging home today and knew I had two gross-o bananas that I needed to use.  So I decided to cross off #12 from list today of my 18 going on 19 list.

I decided to make banana bread every year on the day of the first snow fall.

And so I did. (check)

xo. Elise

I should note, that this is NOT what the weather looked like today.  But it's a pretty shot, so I would get over your accuracy issue.