A few things I've learned in the past six months since I had the best Cuban sandwich of my life and blew out my candles over cheesecake:
1. I have gotten so used to people having very purposeful exits in my life, usually marked by literal farewells and goodbye hugs. I've learned that a lot of people in your life leave, and you didn't expect it. I've gotten used to saying goodbye, but I've had the luxury of always knowing it was happening. This past year, I've said goodbye a lot (again) but it happened before I even realized it. And I've learned I need to be more ok with that.
2. I've learned that grief is a very physical reaction. I remember that day in February when I started crying, immediately. And then I talked on the phone to a group member about a project. I went and got dinner and almost started crying because they no longer had cherry flavoring for my shake. And then that night I was reading for my Organizational Behavior class, and I was so cold. I was just cold to my bones. And I didn't know that life could be so absolutely normal and absolutely freezing at the same time.
3. I've learned that my testimony truly is a lense in which I view my life. Even when my faith could be better or I could be living the Gospel more fully, I view my life through God's hand in my life. It hasn't always been like that, but I'm proud of that thought process.
4. Being nice does not always have an immediate return on investment. There have been a lot of text messages I've sent that haven't had a response. A lot of thank you notes sent. A lot of prayers sent. A lot of follow up conversations. And in a lot of ways, it seems like I kept putting forth effort with not a whole lot of feedback. But ever since this summer has started, I have felt so many things come back tenfold. And no, those text messages still haven't been responded to and the follow up conversations aren't always two-sided. But in so many other ways, I have felt the kindness of so many near-strangers. People have invited me over for dinner, they have asked about my favorite music, and they have listened to me talk about BYU and the people I love. And so maybe I've really just learned that the return on my kindness investment is different than I expected, but exactly what I needed.
5. Just because you are part of a group, doesn't mean you have to be going where the group is headed. I think this quote sums it up for me: "I was part of the strange race of people aptly described as spending their lives doing things they detest, to make money they don't want, to buy things they don't need, to impress people they don't like." -Emile Gauvreau. When I read this quote, it stopped me in my tracks. In some ways it feels more like the motto of the business school. But going forward, I don't want to be going with the group just so I can make a lot of money that will impress the group. I want to be better than that. I want to be more thoughtful than that.
6. Sometimes a haircut is just a haircut but sometimes it's a testament to change, to God, and to an identity crisis. And that's an important thing to recognize as you Google how to grow your hair quickly.
7. You need to do what you need to do to make your life comfortable. I think we sometimes assume we can make do with what we have. (Which is exactly why I lived with the fridge light for two years). But sometimes you buy the coconut syrup and command hooks to hang your favorite baseball cap. This can also include saying no to being social or hanging out with people. This also includes going to bed before you've finished your to-do list. There isn't a prize for enduring life in the most inconvenient way.
8. I'm not very good at this yet, but I'm learning to not doubt myself as much. As a member of the church, I want so desperately to be constantly in tune with the Spirit and receive confirmation of my decisions. I want that verification and feedback (maybe it's just because I'm a millennial, who knows?) I kind of assumed that if I lived 'righteously' enough, then I wouldn't doubt my spiritual decisions. I've learned that's not true. I finally had closure on a decision I made months ago, and I finally feel wholly and completely good about it. I learned that yes, I made the decision what seems like forever ago, but I didn't know whether it was the right one until just now. But that doesn't mean it's the wrong one. Sometimes we really just have to trust ourselves, and trust that if we are listening, God will guide us. And that's a powerful reminder to me as I enter a season of a lot of decisions.
9. It's ok to feel like all you're giving is your bare minimum, because, to be quite frank, it's not your bare minimum. Unless all you do is get up and breath, you are doing more than you bare minimum. If you talk on the phone with your family, finish homework on time, and make guacamole for dinner, you are doing more than the bare minimum. You are connecting with the people in your life, furthering your education, and feeding yourself some healthy fats and comfort food. All of this is better than just breathing and feeling sorry for yourself. There have been a lot of days where I felt like I was barely giving forth my best effort, but I was actually still praying, reading my scriptures, and saying hi. And I was in that rut for a very, very long time. And I still accomplished a lot that I can be proud of.
10. I am still unpacking this, but when you have not been ok for a long time, you really have to give yourself permission to be ok again. You have to remind yourself it's ok to laugh. You have to be ok with...being ok again. And some days are just plain good. And there is nothing wrong with having a good day. Getting to a better and happier place doesn't undermine the difficult things you went through, and it doesn't undermine the difficult things that you are still going through. A part of me thinks that if I say, wow, I actually had a good day today, that I don't have permission to have bad days. I have started to just feel like I had to be in a bad place, every day, in order to justify my feelings. And nope, that's not how it works. You can be good and bad and ok and horrible and content and hopeful and crying all in the same breath (I mean it's exhausting for my poor parents on the other end of the phone). That is probably the epitome of the human experience, and aren't we grateful we get to experience the whole spectrum?
10.5 Hope is a powerful thing, and that's why being hopeful is still worth the investment.
No comments:
Post a Comment