Purgatory

I joked with my parents that sometimes Pennsylvania feels like my very own personal purgatory.  Looking back, it's a little weird how many times I've been here for various reasons.  Family vacation, a high school scholarship contest, my first internship.  The commitment continues to get longer, and now I'm here for 10 weeks (just recounted on the calendar and it is only 10 weeks!!!!!!).

The first definition that pops up when you look up purgatory is "a place or state of suffering inhabited by the souls of sinners who are expiating their sins before going to heaven."

Chuckled over that one, going to be honest.

The second definition is "having the quality of cleansing or purifying."

Ok, that's better.  

I was driving back from church today and was reflecting on what I learned.  I'm trying to do a better job of being conscious about what I'm learning, whether it's in church or in scripture study.  I don't really remember much about the talks.  Or the lessons.  Or really anything other than the fact that I was fully aware I had a deer in the headlights look on my face, with the humidity curling my hair, and my dress that I wondered if it looked 'too Utah', you know?

And I realized I didn't necessarily learn anything, but going to church today was a huge, "hey Heavenly Father I don't know why I seem to be stuck in purgatory (see def 2), but I'm here, and to be honest, that's all I got."

I guess I do remember one thing someone said today, and that was in order to grow faith, we need to exercise faith.

I have always wanted to be someone who just *has* faith.  Someone who wakes up in the morning and has the strength and vitality of someone who believes in the good.  I don't know if I am ruled by fear or by certainty, but faith has always seemed to be a hill I keep climbing.

And now, sitting in my dorm room that smells like wet dog from the rain and the mini-fridge that doesn't hold enough strawberries, this whole 10 week commitment seems like too much.  This is usually where I would supply a qualifier about how I have the perspective that things are going to get better, and I can't judge a summer based off of three days.  But those things are usually said to justify my complaining and acknowledge that life isn't actually as bad as it sometimes feels when you're perched in a dorm room that still smells like wet dog.

But qualifier regardless, this is a hard time.  And it's been a hard season for a while.  And it's difficult to be in a place where going home is hard and staying here is hard.

And regardless of how the next 68 day turn out, I am starting from a place where this is really just an offering of faith to my Heavenly Father.  I have so many good hopes and dreams that I want for my future, and let me tell you, when you're in a hard place, it's difficult to have faith that any of those will come into fruition.

In a lot of ways, I kind of like the first definition and that PA is the place to be right before heaven in my life.   But even if heaven isn't coming my way, I'm still looking up.  And I'm still expecting good things to come.

xo. Elise