BOOM.
I have been begging, pleading, asking, praying, wondering, questioning why so much lately. Why did I go 1-4 at State? Why did my school have to lose State? Why didn't I make BAGA? Why did Sister Stone have to have cancer in the first place? Why did she have to leave? Why am I injured? Why did that injury prevent me from having quite possibly the best track season ever? Why aren't my essays going well? Why isn't my writing improving? Why have I given up in so many aspects of my life? Why is the old, carefree, curly-headed Lisey girl gone? Why? Why? Why?
And today, I found the comfort that Heavenly Father is preparing me. When I didn't make the club volleyball team, my world was shattered. I had the opportunity to learn who Elise was all over again. And then I experienced a miracle. I qualified for Nationals in Debate. I took State (which I have realized just how big of a deal that is). I found people that accepted me for being smart, and they encouraged it. Debate gave me the space I needed and the chance to reacquaint myself with myself. That was great. And I needed that.
And now, here I am at that point of confusion again. Why? Why? Why?
However, it is such a relief to know that one day I will look back at these yucky, depressing, hurtful, painful experiences and have clarity. It may not make sense on November 15th, but the world will be lit up with perfect insight on March 10th.
So I'm holding out for my March. Waiting for when I realize and comprehend what an amazing debate season I had, regardless of what happened at State. Waiting for when I understand that I wouldn't have had time to fit BAGA into my schedule or something else unknown Waiting for when I feel at peace with the concept of loss and that I know that everything will be ok. Waiting for when I can run so free and so fast that not even my mind can keep track of my limits. Waiting for when I can say hello to that goofy little girl who believed she could do anything.
xo. Elise
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