Other People

Going to college is funny, especially one that is so non-diverse.  I live in a building with a couple hundred (mostly) white Mormon girls.

All of the boys I talk to are (mostly) white Mormon boys.

It's funny being in an environment like this because all of a sudden, everything is so comparable...no compete-able.  I have lived in Utah for nine years now.  I'm used to being surrounded by Mormons.  I'm used to knowing that winning a student council election, playing the piano fantastically, and overall being a good kid is a lot harder because of all of the good kids I'm surrounded by.

However, BYU takes it to a whole new level.

All of sudden every single things is comparable.  Freshman live in the same place, are taking the similar classes, go to the same church.  I hate the walk to church because I always feel like it's a bunch of girls that got all dressed up and are parading around.

And I'm tired of it.  I'm tired of constantly trying to win.  I did that all through high school.  All through my life.  I had to be the perfect, A-grade getting, exceeding people's expectations on every single essay, debate tournament, and test.  It's exhausting.

I like to call myself a recovering perfectionist.

And my mom shared this podcast with me that I listened to this morning and that I will listen to again tomorrow.  It's a, listen to this once to hear it and twice to understand it type of podcast.

 It is all about comparing with other people and not caring about what they say.  It was fascinating.

And I'm putting it into practice right now.

I am pushing away the 'I'm not fun/cute/pretty/smart/thin/bubbly/spiritual enough shame.  I'm shoving that into a corner so I can see it squished next to my laundry hamper (face it, in a dorm room, there aren't a lot of alternatives).  I can see it every time I am feeling insecure and remember that I did conquer that fear.

I don't care about what people think of me because I am giving them permission to hate me.  I am giving them permission to really not like me.  I am giving people permission to criticize me.

Because there is absolutely nothing I can do to change it.  And let me tell you, even the thought is making me feel a little more free.

xo. Elise