I saw that and connected with it, and thought yes, I need that. But another small, nervous voice in my head whispered, but what if it doesn't happen?
What if? A small part of me was worried that I would feel broken...forever. That life would always seem so hazy and dark. That I would always be living tender mercy to tender mercy, never feeling like I had enough air. Please, only tell me good news because I'm rationing oxygen, and I don't have enough air to handle bad news. Quote, unquote from something I wrote in April.
And then I left. I left everything familiar, old, routine, hard, and stuck. I left all of the broken friendships and hurts that I couldn't get past. I left my routines and my comfort foods, right down to the orders I all know by heart. I left the route and the songs and the walks.
I traded it all for something that was so freaking hard in its own special way. I traded it for a place where I didn't know anyone. A job where I didn't know anything. Restaurants where I didn't know the menu. Weather I still can't depend on.
And in the process of knowing nothing, I started to find small pieces of myself. I feel like a porcelain doll that has been absolutely shattered. Small fragments are coming back, and wow, it feels good. It's not all at one in the whoosh that I expected, and honestly, prayed for.
But today, driving home from work, I finally felt all three. I felt in love with myself, my life and the world.
It was a different kind of happiness than I've felt in the past. It wasn't large or sweeping or overwhelming. It was tentative and small and a little bit shy. I've realized feeling happiness takes a lot of trust in God. You have to trust that in the midst of all of the bad, bad, bad, God will send you the good.
I've realized it's going to take a couple more weeks for me to feel full-fledged happy again. But until then, these baby steps feel like the best kind of relief. I'm taking deep breaths, and I'm breathing.
xo. Elise
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