The Hard Stuff

I am sitting here, writing the essays that I have been dreading for far too long, after a night where everything just hit the fan, and I'm wondering why I was left in the middle of it all.  I am listening to the CD that has gotten me through all of the hard stuff before, but I still feel slightly sick to my stomach.

All of this is to get my fingers moving and my mind spinning.  This moment feels slightly like jumping off a cliff I don't want to approach.  Everyone is telling me to be more specific on what I want to do and who I want to be.  Everyone is asking, trying to figure out the secret.  And I would really just like some time to do my laundry.

I guess what I'm saying is I am being brave, and I am so proud of myself I can hardly stand it.  There are so many things in my life that scare me, but I am going to do them anyway.  And that, my friends, is cool.

Last Day of Teenagedom

Today is my last day as a teenager.  I don't think 13 year old Elise would have ever imagined this would be a thing.   20!  Does that seem ridiculously old to anyone else?  I can't quite wrap my mind around it.  Being 19 was a good year for me.  I feel like it was a year of preparation.  I could feel myself transitioning from being a teenager to being an adult.  In some ways that was really great.  I'm on that edge of being so excited to no longer be young and wishing I could stay the youngest forever.
Some cool things that happened during 2015: (side note: I absolutely love how my birthday and the new year are so close together.  I love it).

I had my first job this year, and I get a certain level of satisfaction every time I spend or save my own money.  Every time I pay rent, it's a little annoying because money is leaving, but there is something so satisfying about it as well.  I had an internship at a medical auditing company and had the chance to fly to Philadelphia by myself three times.  I stayed in a hotel by myself for the first time, and also ordered room service.  I hiked the Y for the first time, at midnight.  I did extremely well on a lot of projects and exams.  There are still some scores that I am really proud of because they showed a lot of effort on my part.  I lived at home all summer, which was really hard for me.  It felt like I was taking giant strides back, instead of growing forward.  I felt trapped with insecurities and bored with writing SQL.  But, I got to go on a lot of hikes with my parents.  I got to have a convenient canal in my backyard to run on.  I got to spend the 4th of July with Anne, and go to the lake.  I went to my first two concerts--Matt Kearney and Ingrid Michaelson.   I drove to Arizona and went on my first road trip with friends.  I moved myself out of my dorm.  I said goodbye to the rest of my friends, and I've learned saying goodbye takes some guts.  I made some really good friends, and I've learned to act like myself a little more.  When I think of some past interactions, I am proud.  I've stopped bending over backwards to get people to like me, and I've just gone with it.  I finished two more half marathons.  I read a lot of L.M. Montgomery.  I said goodbye to my childhood home and ward.  I took care of Anne over New Year's Eve...oh and helped when she had strep throat.  (note to self, cross nurse off of potential careers.  I'm horrible at it).   I wrote in my everyday journal more, but didn't do the best job of writing in other journals.  I realized that I really need to come up with a new way to push myself.  My goals were interesting this year.  I didn't have any that enthralled me.  I'm still thinking about what to do for next year.  This year was not one where I pushed myself, but I felt like everything else pushed me.  I read Better Than Before and Rising Strong, both books that got me thinking.  I wholeheartedly embraced being a questioner, and I am trying to do a better job of utilizing that part of my personality.  I worked hard in school this past semester.  I put in a lot of time, and for that I am really proud.  I spent more time with Anne than I have in a really long time. Anne and I took our first vacation together, by ourselves, which was really fun and interesting!  See what I mean?  There were so many things this year that pushed me and caused me to step up.   I awkwardly fell in love with a few of Sam Hunt's songs, realized I actually still liked One Direction, and listened to an embarrassing amount of Justin Bieber.  I said hello to a few old friends.  I learned to say no...or realized that I need to do a better job of saying no.  I made plans for a study abroad.  I began to schedule my day, hour by hour, minute by minute.  I did a better job of hosting parties and relaxing.  I stayed up later and got up earlier (I know, I know).  This was such a full year!  It didn't have the flashy appeal of 2014 (can we take a sec and appreciate 2014?).   But it was the type of year that feels good in your bones.

Sorry to have to 'summary' posts in a row, but I think recording stuff like this is really important.   At the very beginning of this year, when Anne was throwing up, and people were coming to look at our house, I remember being exhausted.  I felt that this was going to be a really good, but really hard year.  And I'm grateful that Heavenly Father taught me so many lessons in the way that I did.  I am so grateful for that.  I have really good feelings about this winter.  I feel good about my future plans and the future Elise.  It's going to be a good semester.

xo. Elise

Finals Week Status Report

Hello, hello!  It is finally finals week, which is such a weird thing for me.  I have been successfully procrastinating homework today.  Haha, I need to give myself some credit because I am officially done with two (2!) finals.  And I'm trying to get enough gumption to study for the third, but I couldn't fall asleep until 1:30 in the morning last night (don't ask me why), and I'm exhausted.  But Mcom won't wait for anyone.  Ugh.

How you can tell that it's finals:
1. I have a half-eaten low-cal bag of popcorn nestled beside me on my bed.
2.  My nightstand has three hair things, one empty can of sparkling water, my water bottle, and a chocolate advent calendar that is woefully behind.
3.  I have been listening to my 'Weird Moment for Me' playlist on Spotify for dayyyyssssss.  It's a weird moment for me because it has Sam Hunt (who even listenings to country rap?  Apparently me.) and James Bay (an Anne recommendation.  Which is interesting, as always.  But have you listened to Need the Sun to Break?  Doooo it).
4.  I'm not sure why I'm not listening to a whole lot of Christmas music this season, but it comes on sporadically.  I kind of got exhausted feeling guilty for not listening to it 24/7, so I've forgiven myself and moved on.


That's about it on the home front.  Patience is wearing thing (and it's only Tuesday? So that's cool? haha, oh wow, folks, it's only Monday.  AWESOME!).

Anyway, the guilt to study is strong.  Here is to only three finals left.  Ugh.  That sounds like a lot.

xo. Elise

Different

I was walking around campus tonight, looking at the beautiful fall colors.  I was thinking about my experience as a freshman and how exciting it was.  Everything seemed fun.  Every person was someone new to meet.  My independence thrilled me.

And now it's fall again and it seems a whole lot harder this time around.  Classes?  Harder.  Living situation?  Harder.  Pressure?  Harder.  Homework?  Harder.  Work?  Much harder because it wasn't even on my radar last year.

I came into this year (2015) feeling like it was going to be a really good and really hard year.   I look back to January and I don't think I've ever been more correct about anything in my life.  I can feel myself evolving and growing.  I feel infinitely older than my young nineteen years old self.  Every season seems to have pushed me.

But this human experience is worthwhile because I can feel that something is happening.  Something is brewing.  And in between then, I'm going to continue to write thank you notes to my professors who I can tell had a rough day.  I'm going to buy butter to replace the butter I used from my roommate so she can make banana bread.  I'm going to run two miles and be shocked this body of mine ever ran thirteen because wow it was difficult.

xo. Elise

Too Small

I never thought I would outgrow my goal system.  I guess I always thought, on some level, that I would have a 45 going on 46 list (even though as I type that it seems crazy and worn out).  But as I've gone throughout this year, I realized that my list of 19 things to complete before I was 20 is no longer serving me.  They have become a checklist, not a list to push myself.  They have become something to cross off, not something to revel in.  I am almost done with the list, and instead of feeling satisfaction at the new things I've learned, I feel relief.

And in some ways, it's scary because I don't know how else to evaluate myself.  The list of 16 things to do before I was 17 stemmed from a lot of pain and insecurity, and I began the pattern with a hope of developing myself.

I started this blog as a way to push myself out of my comfort zone.  I entered a photography contest.  I broke my record in the mile.  I've tried a new art form.  I ran a half marathon.  I took first in a debate tournament.  I got a hundred on a math test.  I beat my dad in a push-up contest.  I made a cake for an event.  I went to college.

I look past at these old goals and these old lists.  I did so many brave, hard things because of them.  And I'm so glad I did.

But this is my last year.  I am finishing these season on an even number at the beginning of a decade.  I am entering my infamous twenties.  And I want to give myself permission to find new ways to evaluate myself because I keep changing.  And only recently have I realized just how much I have changed.

xo. Elise

Coming Up for Air

Today you get the privilege of seeing a journal entry of mine.  I'm not always this eloquent, sometimes my journal entries consist of "Today was hard.  Enough said."  But I don't think I could write this better than I already have.

This summer could be chalked up to one where I dropped the ball.  I was whirling so fast from my first year at college that I was shocked into silence when the music stopped mid-twirl.  I could (and have) look back on these months with regret for the days I didn't go outside, the tan I didn't get, and the runs I didn't go on.  In April, I told Heavenly Father over the pulpit that I was going to have faith and trust in His plan.*

*As long as that plan fit into not living at home in Utah all summer.

Ok, I tried to have more faith than that, but I feel like I failed.  I angrily shoved everything in my sister's car and left to go a measly 1.5 hours way.  I look back at this summer and see a girl who tried so hard to stay a girl, but lost herself in the juxtaposition of moving home and tackling grown up situations.  I lost contact with myself and contact with God, and sometimes I'm not sure where either one is hiding.

But I refuse to look back on this summer with regret because regretting time seems like a ship that would capsize my confidence.  Instead, I want to remember it as the summer where I had my first job.  I don't want to forget going on a vacation with Anne for the first time.  I don't want to undermine flying to Pennsylvania by myself three separate times and staying in a hotel room alone.  I don't want my first car accident, second concert, and first road trip swept under the rug in embarrassment.  I want each breakdown recorded, and I don't want my act of rebellion by not going to Church activities to be forgotten or repeated.   I don't want the dozen of hikes I went on with my parents to become obsolete.

This summer has been a brave, hard thing for me to live through for all of these reasons and more.  And I am reaching the point where my head breaks the surface, bringing me to my knees and begging for clean air.

xo. Elise

Adventures

For all of my trepidation and angst for staying in the N.O. this summer, I'm grateful that when I get on an airplane tomorrow I am flying back home in five days, not staying there all summer.  For one, I definitely wouldn't be able to fit everything I'm bringing in a carry on.  And second, it makes me feel better that I will be safe on home turf in a mere five days.  I can do that.

I start my internship tomorrow.  Tomorrow I fly out.  Tomorrow is June 1st and I'M FREAKING OUT.

Phew, ok, I'm good.

I'm ready though.  Ready ready ready to be done with this waiting and unsureness of it all.

So I will keep you posted on all of the exciting things that pertain to traveling and medical auditing and Philadelphia.

Cheers to new adventures.

xo. Elise

Fast

I decided to make myself go crazy this week.  Because at one point I decided it would be a good idea?  I decided to not watch Netflix, go on social media, read blogs, or eat dessert.  As Anne said, I basically limited myself to reading.  So I've read a lot this week.  

My internship starts next week.  Have I talked about my internship?  It hasn't started, but it's already making me crazy.  I know absolutely nothing about it.  And for someone who likes to know the end before the beginning, this week before it starts will probably be harder than the actually internship.  

I came home from college, still on a high of independence and late nights.  I had studied hard and played hard.  My head was spinning while I tried to squeeze every last thing and everything seemed final and sure.  I somehow thought it would be the last time for this and the last time for that and so I might as well get ice cream and go for it, right?  I let myself go in the thrill of saying goodbye.  

I came home tired of it all.  Tired of feeling so full and so empty at the same time.  I remember reading in one of my current favorite books, Bittersweet by Shauna Niequest.  She talks about when her and husband moved from Chicago to Grand Rapids, they arrived exhausted, full of food, and over-caffeinated.  So when they moved back to Chicago, they decided to do a juice fast to clear their heads.  I don't have a problem with caffeine or the desire to do a juice fast, but I get what it means to  want a clearer head and easier heart.  

I'm realizing what it's like to have a phone that is at 90% battery at the end of the day.  I now know what it's like to not have to charge your laptop every night.  I don't know what is going on with any of my friends.  I don't know who has gotten their mission call or who has left or who had a fabulous adventure in any place.  

I also have no reason to look at any recipes.  I have no plans to make any delicious dessert. I don't scour the internet or my favorite recipe blogs, looking for the perfect combination of ingredients.  I don't laugh over my favorite reruns.  My eyes don't hurt from looking at the screen.

So this 'fast' of mine has been good.  I haven't had any huge revelatory moments about myself.  I haven't connected with myself at a deeper level.  And in the midst of my daily actions, it's hard to think of things to fill the time when I don't fill it with wasting time.  And yesterday it nearly killed me to not have any dessert.  

But I'm doing it.  I have done it for three days.  I've never done that before.  And I am slowly working towards something, which is heartening.  This week has been quiet, and that's ok.  I will be back on the loud train in a few days, but I am grateful to take this week to be calm.  

xo. Elise 

Throwing Up a Gang Sign

It's always a real adventure when you thought that you would be spending your summer abroad in Spain and end up staying in the good ole' N.O.

Frustration and annoyance are not the emotions--that was clear back in March.  It seemed inevitable as one more piece of the puzzle seemed to fall together.  (I like the thought of a puzzle coming together instead of not fitting together).

It's funny though, I somehow knew two weeks ago that I was going to be staying put for the summer. Not going anywhere.  Not living anywhere else.  I knew that this was going to be it.

And I've decided that it's ok.

It isn't as glamorous as living abroad, but there is a time and a place for that.  It isn't as exciting as living in D.C., but sometimes reality is more important, and we are ok with that.  It sometimes felt like an invisible hand was controlling the way these next three months are going to turn out, which is frustrating for a girl who doesn't like anyone planning something without her.

But I feel good.  And I feel safe.  I don't have to hold my breath anymore, regardless of how fun that was.  I was blessed enough to have a great support group at college.  Roommates I got along with, a fun ward, some really good friends.  In some ways, I could never be more myself.  But constantly putting a happy face, an ok face, an 'of course it's going to work out because we can do this face' is sometimes hard.

And I am grateful that I have a spot to perch for a little while.

Gangs and all. :)

xo. Elise

Summer Vibes

I fell asleep listening to the rain and woke up to the neighbor's dog barking.  I ate oatmeal raisin cookies (hold the chocolate chips please).  I visited the Botanical Gardens and was seriously stumped on an Instagram caption.  I ate naan which was delicious and yogurt (give me all the yogurt).  And I took a lot of pictures at the Botanical Gardens.

It was a good day.

She is gorgeous.  And look at those skinny little legs of hers.  

*Anne pretending to be a senior picture photographer and me pretending to be a senior

Have we laughed long enough for a cute candid?? 

The Clark fam is all under one roof and we are all trying to figure out how to be an all-adult family.  We are settling in, and even though this month of May is an awkward in between one for me, I'm trying to enjoy it.  It's probably one of the last times us four will live in the same house, which is a sobering and strange thought.  

Summer vibes are creeping in, and I for one, could not be happier about that fact.  

xo. Elise 

Moping Session: Check

I have the happy news that my moping session is officially done.  My parents and sister are probably very relieved to hear that I am done moping around, being bored.

This week has been frustrating, relieving, exciting, scary, exhausting, strange, and freeing.  I haven't done much, and that's been kind of annoying.

But I'm starting to think about what I want to do with this time.  I am trying to decide how I want to use my time to do a better job of achieving my goals.  I have a month before people are counting on me again.  So I'm going to enjoy the chance to finish up what I wanted to do all year but didn't have time.  And yes, some of those things included not running, making cookies, and lazing around with absolutely nothing to do--exactly like I have this week.

So here is to a new day.  Maybe I will visit the botanical gardens (actually, that's probably a yes).  Maybe I will run more (ok, that's a yes too).  Maybe I will write the next great American novel.  Maybe I will learn more about photography.  Maybe I will make a goal to bake a different batch of cookies every week.  Maybe I will try every ice cream place in town.  Maybe I will drive to Salt Lake and go shopping all day.  Maybe I will drive and visit every National Park in Utah.  Maybe I really will buy a mountain bike.  Maybe I will hike every trail in the nearest 25 miles.  Maybe I will fly to California, New York, and Canada just for the fun of it.  (Ok, the last five are probably a no).

But I have a month, starting tomorrow, to do whatever I want.

So maybe I'll find a hobby or two.

xo. Elise

Calm After the Storm

I just had one of those moments when you're really sad about things ending.  I told myself that I wasn't going to do that, and that I wasn't going to go there. But here I am, feeling sad.  And melancholy.  I packed up most of my room today.  Most of my life.  And it's weird to hear the vacuum for another one of my roommates to leave and my closet that is emptier than it should ever be.  Yesterday was my last final, and I have been free for 24 hours.  I've packed a lot in there, for which I'm grateful.  But for now, I'm feeling a little sad.  (Perk: I got to see Anne today.  What a relief).  Anyway, sometimes this life is hard.  And that's ok.  

Baseball game, free nachos, and awkward encounters.  Always. 

We have attempted to go to the Wall twice for drinks.  Both times they were closed and with no additional signage.  Sigh.  That makes me irritated.  

Breakfast at midnight.  Wahoo for Denny's.  (Really though, their bacon was perfect). 

One of the last times walking on this bridge.  This will forever be on of my favorite views on campus.  

This is it!  This is my room.  And wow, I love it.  

I got so excited when I saw this.  Wow, look at TACTL go!  So exciting! 

And this is it.  Me and Sam.  What a good year.  

As I'm reminding myself, do not fear the future.  It's going to be great.  

xo. Elise 

Day of Rest

No tests today!  Yay!  This is the best feeling ever!

My roommates and I went on a little road trip today to here our roommate speak at her farewell.   1.5 hours one way. Big road trip, right there.  It felt surreal to escape Provo, and it was a beautiful drive through the canyon.  It was kind of fun being on her home turf and seeing the place she would go home every weekend.

I was so proud of her, seeing her speak today.  This year hasn't been easy for her, and even though I don't understand all of the reasons why or how, I was proud of the progress she had made.  She is going to do really great things, and I'm really happy for her.  Thank goodness she is coming back down on Tuesday, because I don't know if I could handle having to say goodbye for good.

We finally got some cute roommate pictures, even if it wasn't coordinated and posed like we wanted.

We also took a fun little detour to Park City on accident, and it made me really excited for five days from now.  Scratch that, verbalizing that I only have about five days left here makes me feel grumpy.

Anyway, it was a good day today.  And I am feeling more excited for the future.  But I decide I'm going to just focus on this week because I still have a final, a lot of packing, and a ton of pictures to still take. 

xo. Elise 

Finals 3&4

The first of my roommates just left.  About 20 minutes ago.  And wow, that's a sobering thought.  I know that this week would be hard, and I was expecting it.  But I didn't expect to feel this uneasy and shocked.

I officially only have one final left.  That's it.  It's my hardest one, so it's going to require studying for three days straight.  Everything is slowly wafting down and coming to a close.

It's terrifying, but still really really good.

Last night my friends and I went to the Cannon Center because Alesha hadn't been this year.  It was pure bliss to not cook anything yesterday or have to do dishes.  Seriously, a burger never tasted so good.  Also, the frozen yogurt was some of the best I've had.  Ever.

Anyway, I am done with 5/6 of my finals.  And things are working out.  I'm feeling settled, but still sad.  There is that tendril inside of me that keeps reminding me that this is it.  This is my last Saturday, here, in this bedroom.  And wow, it's all sorts of crazy to think that.

It's embarrassing how many plates we had + how long it took us to get the self-timer right.  

We were walking home, and wow, the lighting was perfect.  This year has been so beautiful.  

A selfie to prove that yes, I am surviving.  Not exactly getting ready, but details. 

To be completely honest, I am not loving this stage right now. I don't love finals.  I don't love saying goodbye.  I don't love leaving.  The only thing that is making it semi ok is Park City next week.  But this week is still going to be hard.  And Monday, so help me, is going to be awful.  

Cheers for almost being done with finals.  2 Timothy 1:7 is my mantra, and I've been writing it on my scratch paper for every test. 

xo. Elise 

I've Learned: Part II

I just finished my last class for my freshman year, and of course, I feel like crying.  Last time I wrote this, April 14th seemed forever away.  I had a whole other semester to live through, and I was so excited.  I honestly didn't understand how my life could get any better than it was right then, and a small part of me was scared that it wouldn't.

This semester was so much harder than first semester in so many ways.  My classes were hard.  I struggled with the winter, even if it wasn't that cold.  I felt lonely a lot of the time, and I am still working on my relationship with God and attempting to understand a better of His plan.

Even through all of those hard things, I've seen so many miracles, that I am happy to say that yes, I am happier than I was even last semester.

I've learned you can say goodbye to a house and survive.  I've learned cutting what seems like ten inches of your hair isn't a disaster, it will grow back.  I've learned concerts mean a lot of standing time.  I've learned you don't always have to be everyone's best friend, and that's ok.  I've learned to stop analyzing in depth so many insignificant things (aka boys).  I've learned peanut butter goes with everything, seriously, everything.  I've learned that hand washing dishes gets old after about six months and your standards for a dishwasher go significantly down at that point.  I've learned that having really good friends can cover so many gaps in your life.  I've finally learned how on earth to use the water bottle filling stations on campus (hint: they are motion detectors).  I've learned how to be a program director--ha, ok not really learned, but I definitely attempted.  I've learned how to curl my hair the other direction.  I've learned that yogurt is one of my favorite foods.  I've learned that 2:30 should really just be a good maximum bed time.  The fun decreases exponentially after that, even if you're still laughing.  I've learned you don't need as much jewelry to make an outfit complete and sometimes comfortable shoes are really the way you should go.  I've learned to not buy ice cream at the store anymore (Creamery runs don't count).  I've learned that almost every single dessert is better frozen--carrot cake, cheesecake, cookie dough, even brownies.  I've learned to go to reviews and do to the practice quiz before the actual quiz (mind-blowing, I know).  I've learned to just go, even when you're scared. Going will be infinitely better than not.  I've learned exactly what to expect from every banquet from BYU in the future.  I've learned to run, even when I don't want to.  I've learned that I am not much of a moderator, but I can be an abstainer.  I've learned to cook food, just cook--always adding more heat and more flavor.  I've learned that writing is good therapy, but sometimes it is exhausting.  I've learned you don't always need to feel something every time you think you should.  I've learned to step up and say something.  I've learned how to comfort and be there for people, and I've learned how to receive comfort.  I'm learning how to ignore those voices that haunt me, trying to place their expectations on me.  I've learned the weekend plans of window shopping and looking for a place for dessert is perfect.  I've learned to say no and say yes.  I've finally learned how to grocery shop a little bit better, and I've learned how to organize every little thing in my dorm room.  I've learned how to use my calendar.  I've learned to 'SSGM' (save, send, group message).  I've learned to sing loud and find good music, and dance when it is good.  I've learned to be patient with myself, others, and timing.  I've how to sign a housing contract and how to really register for classes.

I might to do another one of these, since things keep coming to mind, but this is good for now.

And I am feeling grateful for right now.  Even though it's ending and even though I have finals.

I am grateful.

xo. Elise

First day of school picture!

(almost) Last day of school picture!

Playing Catch

I'm wearing the five dollar leggings and blue sweatshirt that I have worn too many times to count.  Little did I know, way back in early December that when I bought the blue sweatshirt for two dollars, I would wear it out, because most days it's all I really want to wear.

I am starting finals week.  Tomorrow, technically, even though it doesn't officially start until Friday.  I have a final on Monday, Wednesday, two on Friday, Saturday, and Monday.

That just sounds exhausting, doesn't it?

And part of me is terrified.  These tests, they scare me.  They make me shake and make me want to cry.  The Stats guy from yesterday, when he helpfully, incredulously, asked if I was good enough to get into the Strategy program did not help.  Thanks, it really makes me feel confident in my abilities when you almost accuse me of thinking I'm good enough to get into a program that only accepts 50 students per year.

Deep breath.

This week is fraught with nervousness and annoying aspects.  I am still expected to cook for myself.  I still have to do dishes.  I'm trying to decide when running will happen.  I am trying to savor these next two weeks.  And I'm trying not to panic about the looming future.

And I guess it written somewhere that I'm scared.  And I want it written down that I'm sad, when I think of this year ending.  And I want it known that the future scares me and makes me nervous.

But, like I said in my testimony today, I also want my Heavenly Father to know that I am going to rely on trust.  I am going to put my faith in Him.  Even though, at this point, the very selfish, very tiny, tired part of me feels like yelling up there....um, what's happening?  Do you know what you're doing?  Do you have a plan for all of this uncertainty?  Is everything happening the way it's supposed to?

And please, don't tell me that I have everything planned out.  Internship? Check.  Housing next year? Check.  Future roommate?  Check.  Class schedule?  Check.

I have a lot more figured out than a lot of people I know, and for that I praise God.  But I am throwing the other confusing parts of my life up to the heavens.  Because I don't want to carry it anymore.

Thanks for always playing a good game of catch.

xo. Elise

Long

I went to lunch with a friend today and we just talked about all of the change happening and how we don't like it.  College requires a lot more faith than I expected, which I suppose is a really good thing. I always need more faith in my life.

I looked out the window, just now.  And saw the pavilion and basketball court that I've been looking at for the past seven months.  And I'm just a little shocked.  I have been living here forever.  Forever.  I can't even remember not living here or not being familiar with this view.  The semester has blended together and it's shocking to be right here.

I remember in January, when Sam was really stressed and overwhelmed with school.  She told me that part of her just wished it was finals weeks so classes could be done and homework over with.  But she followed it up with how she didn't want that because then it would be over.  Everything would be over.

And now, here we are, in the last full week of the semester and it's shocking.

Because finals week will be happening soon.  And this year will be over.  And I'm going to need my faith more than expected.

xo. Elise

To My Parents

I've been thinking about you both today.

I have never wanted to be one of those parasitic kids, you know the kind everyone jokes about always asking for money, favors, and whatever else they need.  But between my debate tournaments, volleyball camps, A.P. tests, and other sundry competition and hoops I made all of us jump through, part of me knows that I am.

And I will forever be grateful for parents who willingly paid and supported me in my debate tournaments, volleyball camps, A.P. tests, and other sundry competition and hoops I made all of us jump through.

It's easy to say, now that I have a scholarship, that I am no longer living off of my parents.  I could claim this little fledgling of independence and think how blessed I am to have received this amazing opportunity.

I could look at my resume and see all of my accomplishments, typed in Times New Roman font.

But instead, I see my parent's support.

So yes, I am no longer technically making my parents foot the bill.  I am no longer using their credit card for everything or discussing finances with them when I need more money in my account.

But I will forever be in debt to them.  Because that list of things I've accomplished aren't really mine to claim.  Yes, I may have given the speech to win the prize, but they were the ones that made sure I could pay the activity fee, that I had adequate resources to research, and that I had paper, pen, and even a cute outfit to compete in.

So thank you, Mom and Dad.  Thank you for making this freshman life possible.  Thank you for being there with me through all of it.  Thank you for taking me on hikes, having patience with me when I didn't talk, and letting me play hard every day.  Thank you for being willing to write the check and pick me up and drop me off and stay up with me on the late nights.  Thank you for reading over the papers and reviewing the math problems.  Thank you for crying for me and laughing at my jokes.  Thank you for all of the times you have prayed and fasted for me and put my name in the temple.  Thank you for bragging about me to show that you're proud of me.  Thank you for getting up in the morning and working hard to make sure I am provided for.  Thank you for treating me with respect and teaching me to treat others with respect.

I am feeling so grateful for every little thing that I know I can't possibly thank you for.  But this Wednesday night, know that I am trying my best to say thank you.

xo. Elise

Strawberry Love

I had the happy realization that strawberries are my love language.  Don't talk to me about physical touch or quality time, or even that strawberries are a gift.  I just really like strawberries.

I also had the happy realization that I have two great places where I belong.  I spent the weekend with my parents, and they are so cute.  It's so nice to go home and have a weekend where I can catch my breath and relax.  And then it's so nice to come back to college and be so happy.

I am on the tail end of my freshman year.  The next time I go home, it will be all over.  But I am so grateful to be here, right now.  There is a lot of uncertainty in my life right now.  Ok, not a lot, especially compared to Anne.  But there is a lot out there that makes me nervous.  But I'm realizing more and more that for the next four weeks, I am a pretty lucky girl.

xo. Elise

The Arrival of March

I am happy to report that March has finally arrived, in so many different forms.  I woke up happy today, and I realized that peace has settled in my life.  I have a plethora of pictures to show, which I think shows a really happy life.  Brace yourself.  (Seriously, brace yourself.  It's a deluge of pics).

First up, my very first concert.  Wahoo!  My friends and I went to a Matt Kearney concert on Friday, and it was so much fun! We made a trip of it and went to Salt Lake for a few hours beforehand, and it was just the perfect evening. 

A post-concert picture was required.  Those boys were standing in front of us, and Hannah fell in love with the guy with the USU shirt.  We could have sworn they choreographed their dance moves together before the concert, and we all decided they were perfect together.  (Don't ask about the blue hair.  Apparently that is a thing people do for school pride.  Weird). 

While shopping we randomly ran into some friends from high school, and it turned out that they were going to the concert as well!  We met up for ice cream afterwards, and it was so much fun catching up with these cute girls.  

Isn't this just the cutest picture of my cute friends? (I find myself morphing into them as I talk about these pictures. hehe).  I am learning more and more from them that every opportunity is a chance to take a 'cute pic.'

Another selfie because it's cute, we look happy, and that's all the reasons I can think of. 

And this makes me equally happy and equally sad.  My roommate got called to go to Ecuador on her mission.  It was a busy weekend, but I took a moment to appreciate my friendship with this girl.  I'm lucky to have so many amazing girls in my life.  

Attention:  this is Mindy Gledhill's bus!  We didn't actually go to the concert, but a cute bus means a cute pic is in order.  We went for shakes after stake conference last night.  We decided it looked like we were in a boy band, which resulted in my double posting on Instagram.  Shocking.  

We got shakes with pudding in them.  Not a bad invention.  But the best part was singing, laughing, and dancing with everyone.  (Even though I'm sure everyone that walked by thought it explained why we were all single girls).  

Self-timer and a cute door.  Just the usual college freshman.  

We got done with church at 12 instead of 5:30 today (best Sunday ever).  And the weather was warm.  So we went on a picnic, ate sandwiches, and talked about summer.  (Isn't it crazy to think how it's time to talk about summer??)

Me and Sam accidentally matched today, so we took a picture, resulting in us thinking that it's the cutest pic we have together.  

I've been thinking a lot lately about where I want my life to go, and how this semester is shaping up for me.  I'm realizing that my life is full of so many amazing people and experiences.  I also realized that I need to push myself a little more.  I'm realizing that today is a great day to get stuff done, not tomorrow and not next week.  I only have four weeks of class yet, and my heart is breaking a little when I think of how my freshman year is going to be done.  But more than that, I'm feeling grateful that I have four more weeks + finals to live this life that I have.  

xo. Elise (thanks for bearing with me and letting me show all of the photos.  I know that was a lot).