The Hard Stuff

I am sitting here, writing the essays that I have been dreading for far too long, after a night where everything just hit the fan, and I'm wondering why I was left in the middle of it all.  I am listening to the CD that has gotten me through all of the hard stuff before, but I still feel slightly sick to my stomach.

All of this is to get my fingers moving and my mind spinning.  This moment feels slightly like jumping off a cliff I don't want to approach.  Everyone is telling me to be more specific on what I want to do and who I want to be.  Everyone is asking, trying to figure out the secret.  And I would really just like some time to do my laundry.

I guess what I'm saying is I am being brave, and I am so proud of myself I can hardly stand it.  There are so many things in my life that scare me, but I am going to do them anyway.  And that, my friends, is cool.

5%

Last night, 5 percent of me wanted to go to the Testing Center at 8:30 p.m. and take my finance test.  Just ignore the fact that it's supposed to take me three hours (Testing Center closes at ten), and that I hadn't really studied.

The thought of just getting it over was enticing (and still is to be honest).

But that would be a disservice to myself.  Definitely not to my present self.  Current Elise would love that.  But past Elise would be annoyed that she had spent those long hours studying for midterms if I was just going to blow off the final.

Future Elise would be beyond annoyed that I was lazy and didn't try my best.  Future Elise wouldn't want to have to face herself, remembering her commitment to do her best in that class.

And I'm mostly writing this all out so I can remember that commitment.  And so I can do my best.  And so I can put forth some effort.  Because tomorrow it will be done and I will be free.  Tomorrow seems like the longest time away, but 24 hours is ok.  I can do 24 hours.

Right?

Right.

xo. Elise

Too Small

I never thought I would outgrow my goal system.  I guess I always thought, on some level, that I would have a 45 going on 46 list (even though as I type that it seems crazy and worn out).  But as I've gone throughout this year, I realized that my list of 19 things to complete before I was 20 is no longer serving me.  They have become a checklist, not a list to push myself.  They have become something to cross off, not something to revel in.  I am almost done with the list, and instead of feeling satisfaction at the new things I've learned, I feel relief.

And in some ways, it's scary because I don't know how else to evaluate myself.  The list of 16 things to do before I was 17 stemmed from a lot of pain and insecurity, and I began the pattern with a hope of developing myself.

I started this blog as a way to push myself out of my comfort zone.  I entered a photography contest.  I broke my record in the mile.  I've tried a new art form.  I ran a half marathon.  I took first in a debate tournament.  I got a hundred on a math test.  I beat my dad in a push-up contest.  I made a cake for an event.  I went to college.

I look past at these old goals and these old lists.  I did so many brave, hard things because of them.  And I'm so glad I did.

But this is my last year.  I am finishing these season on an even number at the beginning of a decade.  I am entering my infamous twenties.  And I want to give myself permission to find new ways to evaluate myself because I keep changing.  And only recently have I realized just how much I have changed.

xo. Elise

Adventures

For all of my trepidation and angst for staying in the N.O. this summer, I'm grateful that when I get on an airplane tomorrow I am flying back home in five days, not staying there all summer.  For one, I definitely wouldn't be able to fit everything I'm bringing in a carry on.  And second, it makes me feel better that I will be safe on home turf in a mere five days.  I can do that.

I start my internship tomorrow.  Tomorrow I fly out.  Tomorrow is June 1st and I'M FREAKING OUT.

Phew, ok, I'm good.

I'm ready though.  Ready ready ready to be done with this waiting and unsureness of it all.

So I will keep you posted on all of the exciting things that pertain to traveling and medical auditing and Philadelphia.

Cheers to new adventures.

xo. Elise

Playing Catch

I'm wearing the five dollar leggings and blue sweatshirt that I have worn too many times to count.  Little did I know, way back in early December that when I bought the blue sweatshirt for two dollars, I would wear it out, because most days it's all I really want to wear.

I am starting finals week.  Tomorrow, technically, even though it doesn't officially start until Friday.  I have a final on Monday, Wednesday, two on Friday, Saturday, and Monday.

That just sounds exhausting, doesn't it?

And part of me is terrified.  These tests, they scare me.  They make me shake and make me want to cry.  The Stats guy from yesterday, when he helpfully, incredulously, asked if I was good enough to get into the Strategy program did not help.  Thanks, it really makes me feel confident in my abilities when you almost accuse me of thinking I'm good enough to get into a program that only accepts 50 students per year.

Deep breath.

This week is fraught with nervousness and annoying aspects.  I am still expected to cook for myself.  I still have to do dishes.  I'm trying to decide when running will happen.  I am trying to savor these next two weeks.  And I'm trying not to panic about the looming future.

And I guess it written somewhere that I'm scared.  And I want it written down that I'm sad, when I think of this year ending.  And I want it known that the future scares me and makes me nervous.

But, like I said in my testimony today, I also want my Heavenly Father to know that I am going to rely on trust.  I am going to put my faith in Him.  Even though, at this point, the very selfish, very tiny, tired part of me feels like yelling up there....um, what's happening?  Do you know what you're doing?  Do you have a plan for all of this uncertainty?  Is everything happening the way it's supposed to?

And please, don't tell me that I have everything planned out.  Internship? Check.  Housing next year? Check.  Future roommate?  Check.  Class schedule?  Check.

I have a lot more figured out than a lot of people I know, and for that I praise God.  But I am throwing the other confusing parts of my life up to the heavens.  Because I don't want to carry it anymore.

Thanks for always playing a good game of catch.

xo. Elise

Socks in the Laundry Room

I'm moving today.  Not in the traditional, pick up fifty cardboard boxes, eat take-out for five meals in a row, and stuff your earthly possessions in your car sense, but I'm moving.

I'm saying goodbye to this house that has helped raise me.  I'm looking at the view of the mountains out of my window one last time.  Using those hooks all around my room for blazers, coats, and purses, just like always.  I already said goodbye to the backyard, and I'm going to have to say goodbye to the fireplace, playroom, bathroom, and my room today.

I know that this house is a building made of brick and stone and concrete and wood.  But it's also a home made of laughs and love and tears and food and memories.  In one moment, it is a combination of lifeless and full of life that leaves me feel dizzy.

It makes me happy a family is moving in.  It makes me happy a little kid will be sleeping in my room and growing up in it.  It makes me happy that for a while, this house will be known as the 'Clark' house, probably irritating the new owners who are still trying to wipe our laughter off the walls and replace it with their own.

I hope the kids slide down the banister in between when the movers walk in.  I hope they never put new stone on the fireplace, it looks good now, but if they do, I hope the kids get the joy of holding rock up until the end of time.  I hope they have a fun-filled Saturday spreading wood chips and having brown feet from the dye (side note, very grateful I didn't have to spread wood chips again this summer).  I hope the kids go deep into the raspberries to get all the shiny gems, and I hope they figure out they need to net the cherry tree to actually produce any cherries.  I hope that they are dumb enough to try to fit through the hideout window and relish in the moment when they realize they can. I hope that they enjoy the mini fridge stuffed with drinks.  I hope the pizza oven burns hot, once they figure out how to use it, and they enjoy the melting cheese and gooey crust of the best pizza they will have.  I hope they race up and down, up and down, up and down the stairs, and even when they're 19, they still lope up the stairs at the same rate, knowing exactly where to step.  I hope they have a rule on Christmas that they have to make their beds before they open presents and that they try not to peek over the balcony (even though we all have that sibling that actually does peek when they're not supposed to).  I hope they learn to wear socks in the laundry room, or risk freezing to the ground.  I hope they do the annual migration downstairs when they realize the upper level is as hot as hades.  I hope they even start to curse the previous family about the dumb parts of the house, like the air conditioner that doesn't work and the different locks on every door (that may have caused someone to swear in the recent past).

 I'm ok if our family takes the blame because it mean that we still have a connection to this little house.  It can be a secret between us of who really takes the blame for all of the dumb quirks.

This house of mine isn't going to be mine after today.  We already have two offers and are just waiting to finally leave.  But I am grateful for this place.  Last time we moved, it was eerily similar.  I was nine (I am now 19).  We sold our house lightning fast (a divine sign we need to move and a testament to my parents' decorating skills).

Thanks for everything, house.  Thanks to the people who have helped raise me.  Thanks for the memories and the laughs and the hard stuff.  This little post is hardly adequate, but thank you, from the bottom of this little girl's heart.

xo. Elise

Break

My word for this year is break.  

Break: to open suddenly especially because of pressure from inside.

Isn't that a great definition?  To open. 

However, all of these make my heart go patter, they are just that great:  

• interrupt (a continuity, sequence, or course)

• put an end to (a silence) by speaking or making contact.• make a pause in (a journey)• stop proceedings in order to have a pause or vacation• lessen the impact of (a fall)• stop oneself from being subject to (a habit).• put an end to (a tie in a game) by making a score.• make a rush or dash in a particular direction:• surpass (a record)• disconnect or interrupt • curve or drop on its way toward the batter.• rebound unpredictably•change direction on bouncing, due to spin.
Last year, my word was change.  And goodness, that was the best word I could have possibly chosen for myself. Things have changed in so many ways: debate ending, graduating high school, moving out, Anne moving to D.C., my parents moving.  Nothing is really the same.  Sometimes all of the goodbyes I've been saying makes me hallow inside.  One after another after another after...can I stop making friends with pre-mish?  K, thanks. 
I'm ending this year in awe of every blessing.  It's a relief to look past at this year and realize that I was happy.  And I had a beautiful year.  I'm shoving that foreboding joy away and reminding myself that I am blessed to be here right now, in this moment when the plates are spinning in a beautiful pattern.  I'm not going to wait for the crash, but instead going to enjoy the show. 
2015.  It's going to be good.  My goal for the year is to be simply happy.  Freedom is not unattainable.  I don't have to be chained. 
My goals this year aren't as specific as they usually are.  They are a little more open-ended, with a blank spot on my list.  
Good luck with everything.  Take a deep breath.  It's going to be good.  
xo. Elise 

Countdown

Only 25 minutes left of 2014, and hope is the only thing that is getting me through until midnight (....am I getting old?)

2014 has been so full of so many beautiful moments, and I can only thank my Heavenly Father again and again for what He blessed me with.

2015, though, man, it's going to be so good.  I don't even have that many great plans ahead.  I don't have any exciting trips, big accomplishments, or milestones to accomplish.

I still have one blank spot on my goal list that I'm chewing on (which is pretty much opposite of me every other New Year's).

But I've decided that it's good enough to be happy.  And I am really excited to be really happy.

Because I was really happy this year.  I'm good with that streak continuing.

s/o to my sister for our rebellious night (ok, that's what our matching shirts said anyway).

Also, s/o to our neighbors who keep freaking us out by setting off fireworks.  Happy New Year to you.

xo. Elise

Saviors

I love the idea of saviors.  I love the fact that I have a Savior, someone who made pure cleansing possible. 

            

But I also believe that Heavenly Father puts certain people in your life to be saviors when you need it, you know, when He can’t quite show Himself. 

I am sitting here on my couch, looking at three of my saviors today.  My roommates and our friend Josh are playing a card game, making philosophy seem a little boring.

          

I woke up today feeling completely exhausted and more than a little lonely.  I opened my door to find a string of ethereal, origami butterflies strung across the frame. I walk into the kitchen and find Reeses Pieces (my favorite) and a wall of butterflies, just absolutely gorgeous.  My roommates wrote 19 things they love about me on them.  I haven’t read most of them since I can’t bear to take them all down, but they are so beautiful.  I almost started crying because of their kindness.  Josh brought me Warheads, sparkling cider, and more Reeses Pieces. 

            

And they did all of this because we are celebrating my fake birthday today.  Aren’t they just the nicest? 

            

I am so grateful to have these people in my life and these daily saviors.  In the midst of finals weeks, I have needed tender mercies more than ever.  I’m also grateful for a Heavenly Father that answers prayers in what may seem the absolutely worse way possible, yet somehow it works.  I’m feeling grateful to have been feeling lonely so I need Him, and feeling ok with being humbled. 

Thankful. So thankful.

I am beyond grateful right now.  Like, it's crazy how grateful/humbled/crazy I'm feeling.  I am so intensely humbled beyond belief.  I just had the best news today, and I wish I could tell you how extremely grateful I am.

I am so grateful for my family.  They don't even hesitate to congratulate me on the best things.  They love me, support me, and am so excited for me.

I'm grateful for my great roommates, who celebrate me and brag about me, even when they have absolutely no reason to.

But most of all, I am eternally grateful for my Father.  That Father who knows all of my flaws, my fears, my worries.  Yet, He continues to bless me.  This weekend was rough, but He was there through it all.  I am so grateful.

So humbled.  This world is beautiful.

And crazy.

xo. Elise

Content

This post was started at about 11 last night.  And then I proceeded to talk to my roommates for an hour and a half so it never got finished.  Worth it though.

So many feels going on right now, but priorities first.

Frozen chocolate chip cookie dough is my life.  Seriously, why did I not know about this before?  I take that back, it's a good thing I didn't know about it.  Make chocolate chip cookies, roll them in balls, freeze, and devour.  I'm going to look into an eggless recipe specially for finals week because, wow, that's scary.

Ha, ok, let's get down to the real things that matter in my life.

I have the best family in the world.  Seriously, I have felt so much love from my parents and sister this week.  They have called me, emailed me, texted me, and most importantly, prayed for me.  I am so grateful for to them in my life.

Today is my dad's birthday, and I was reminded again how great of a dad he really is.   He's taught me strength, bravery, courage, kindness, humility, and humor.  He always texts me and tells me he's proud of me.  Proud of little ole' me.  He tells me to brush it off.  He reminds me that I am capable.  And he is doing great things.  Before I really start tearing up, just know, that I am thankful beyond measure for him in my life.  I wouldn't be who I am without his influence in my life.

Good luck to those who are waiting, praying, hoping, wishing, celebrating, and dreaming.  Heavenly Father has this all figured out.  He blesses you with the people you need and the circumstances you need.

Fist pump, it's December.

xo. Elise

Girl

It's funny, I was thinking about how much more relaxed I am now that I am in college, and then today happened.  In a few hours, I will be in a phone interview for a scholarship, and to say I'm nervous is an understatement.  I'm nervous, just like I was in high school.  I've got my whole family in on it too, just like in high school.  I don't know what I would do without their support and prayers.

I was talking to a couple of friends of mine who also applied for the scholarship, but didn't get a phone interview.  I was chatting with one after class today, and he mentioned they both wondered if I got a phone interview because I was a girl.

I probably should have just smiled to myself, and said, maybe.

Instead, I did the typical response.  I said it was probably because I was president of four clubs, took a lot of college classes, and was valedictorian of my class.  Ouch, way to go for the humility Elise.

I was thinking about it yesterday how it's funny no one here really knows what I was like in high school.  I don't act the same way I did, super involved, super intense.  College doesn't provide me with the same opportunities to act like I did in high school, and I am ok with that.

I can't blame the boys for thinking it was because I was a girl.  As far as they could tell, I was an ordinary college freshman who did worse on her biology tests than one of them.  I was so incredibly busy my senior year, and they didn't see any of that.

Maybe it was because I was a girl.  I don't really care.  It's a weird feeling to be flashbacked to all-too-familiar nervousness.  The icy finger-tips, rock in my stomach, and strained laugh.

But hey, I'm ok with it.

xo. Elise

Roomiegiving

My roommates and I planned a Thanksgiving dinner for tonight, and buttons were a-poppin' (not just because we ate too much).

All during church we were practically giddy when we thought about everything that we were going to make and eat.  I made my mom's sweet potato soufflé, Hailey made her mom's stuffing, and Sam made her grandma's chiffon pumpkin pie.  We had rolls, mashed potatoes, and Sammi made green bean casserole.

I was making the soufflé and thought about how my mom did it and all of the other people in my family who had done it through the years. And I realized there is something beautiful how four college girls could connect to different generations simply by the food they made.

We were all so proud of ourselves for actually pulling it off.  We also decided that we don't want to host Thanksgiving dinner anytime soon.

Happy holidays everyone.  It's a beautiful time to be alive.

xo. Elise

Shamefully

I am shamelessly listening to the Kathie Lee Gifford Christmas CD and have been for the past week or so.  I can't help it, it makes me feel closer to home and have that comforting feel that envelopes me every time I start to peel a clementine.

[Sidenote: the smell of clementines reminds me debate tournaments, Christmas mornings, and cold Januarys.]

It's that week at school when all of the students look expectantly at the teacher, waiting to be let out early simply for the fact that it's almost the holidays.  I have a feeling campus is going to be deserted soon, and I'm wondering how I feel about that.

In other good news, I turned in my first eight page college paper today. I actually got all of my stuff turned in one time (insert tender mercy).  And my biology test grade mysteriously continue to go up... I don't exactly comprehend why, but I will take whatever I can get.

I have plans to buy chocolate covered cherries when I decorate for Christmas soon and maybe catch up on all of my homework over Thanksgiving break.  I'm dreaming of molasses cookies and brainstorming for the advent that Anne and I do every year (still doing it right Anne?)

I've felt a tad restless all day, and I am ready for a break.  Two more days and then two more classes.  I was literally planing my schedule like it was Thursday this morning, but the good news is that we finally finished this Wednesday.

xo. Elise

Currently

My hands smell like clementines.  I have never been so happy to have a big ole' bag of clementines all to myself.

I got a package full of Christmas music and a Target gift card from my sister today.  THANK YOU Anne for making Monday the best.

I had the last of my vanilla ice cream with milk and hot fudge sauce and it brought me back home.

I've been wearing a new beanie for the past fifty bajillion hours and I am ok with this.

I am actually on schedule for all of my homework today.  As in, everything on my list actually got done.  That is a blessing from above.

Hope the rest of this week works out as great as today did.

xo. Elise

Thank you Anne! 

Abandoned

I sat in my bed today, reading my scriptures, and thought, wow, I feel abandoned by God.  I have had several moments in my life, where I really have felt utterly alone.  Utterly abandoned.  Completely unable to find peace.  I took a deep breath and remembered that I had gone through these things before.  I was goign to trust Him that He would show me, in some small way, that He knew me and recognized my fears.

I proceeded to get ready for the morning and went to meet with Biology TA.  Biology has been weighing on me a lot lately, as I haven't done as well as I had hoped.

However, we went over my test, and my grade was boosted.

I almost started crying in the beautiful conference room on the fifth floor of the Life Science Building.  It wasn't quite a voice, but it was similar to me thinking, see Elise? I've got you.  I have you.  Here is your 'sign.'

I don't feel abandoned anymore.

xo. Elise

Hello Again.

I don't really have a whole lot to say except that I'm a good place right now.  I had a really interesting Sunday.  I really don't want to go into the details of my self reflection, but I haven't had a humbling day like that in a really long time.  Sometimes you feel like you are at the bottom and now you can start working your way up.  It was the perfect storm of hormones, midterms, stressful assignments, tests, lack of sleep, a almost cold, and exhaustion from everything that really let me fall straight down to rock bottom, just in time for Sunday.  Which, in my opinion, is a great day to start again.

I'm reminding of something that I saw a few months ago...

"The world will break your heart ten ways to Sunday.  That's guaranteed.  I can't begin to explain that or the craziness inside myself or everyone else.  But guess what?  Sunday's my favorite day again."
-Silver Linings Playbook

I'm grateful that I had this Sunday.  And that I'm in a good spot.

xo. Elise

Up on the Rooftops

I'm sitting here on the roof.  A beautiful building on campus has a nice little balcony and I am perched above everything else.  The air smells exactly like it should in the fall.  Cold, crisp, and slightly baked with the sun.  Who cares that you have a philosophy midterm this week when you have this?

I baked cookies yesterday and I was perfectly happy.  I had bright red tights on, still in my Sunday skirt, and an apron.  The pumpkin sugar cookies turned out beautifully and my kitchen smelled like fall.  My roommates and I were all chatting, and we talked about how we finally turned a corner.  We are feeling more like a community now.  I am so happy that I get to experience all of the seasons in turn.  There really is something beautiful about the changing earth, even if the cold makes me really upset, really quickly.

Sometimes life is beautiful and just sitting up on the rooftop makes you feel that much better.

xo. Elise

PC

I’ve waxed poetic about my love for Park City before.  We used to go every fall break and enjoy the leaves, family pictures, and good food.  This year, I don’t have fall break (which sometimes feels all sorts of devastating).  As I’m typing this though, I’m in my own Park City.

I escaped campus, and not just for a grocery-shopping jaunt.  I sit here in Provo Canyon, amazed at the colors.  The little park I escaped to is similar to Park City—well-maintained, beautiful stonework.  It has an overabundance of little boys shouting, “Hey Trish, come look at this spider” and a darling old couple picnicking on the grass.  And it has a table for one college student, full from Café Rio with a peppermint lingering on her breath.  I’m wearing my new cute coat and an atrocious combo of black jeans, royal blue socks, and old running shoes. 

Yet, I beautifully couldn’t care less. 

Because I have philosophy to study and all of the time in the world to do it. 

Really, scroll through all of the pictures.  I promise it will be worth it. 

Funny story about this. ^^^^ The new iPhone update has a timer on it, perfect for selfies.  I brilliantly decided to test it out on my little hike.  It definitely would have turned out better if the phone wasn't on ground level, but whatevs. I was quite pleased with myself for figuring it out and having it work. 

Until I was walking aback and saw an occupied camp ground RIGHT IN BEHIND WHERE I WAS TALKING EMBARRASSING PICTURES.  Oh, how I wish I was kidding.  But no, literally faced the camp the whole time I was doing dumb poses, trying to get a decent picture.  

Sigh.  The life I lead. 

xo. Elise