Second Week of November

I've been feeling so incredibly stuck lately.  Stuck in my old habits.  Stuck with my old people.  Stuck with no real dreams and nothing really pushing me.  I listen to the same music.  I am working on the same project for work since August.  I don't have any new foods to make.  I wear the same things, it feels like every day.  I talk about the same things, usually what I feel stuck about.  Even the weather is the same, this beautiful, perfect, aggravating too hot and then too cold weather.  Everything just seems so similar and boring and routine and forever.

And when I think about my life, duh.  I'm 3/4 way through the semester.  I'm in the boring and uninteresting work of finishing up midterms and trying to play catch up on all of those final projects that I supposedly have to work on all semester.  I haven't had a break since Labor day (you know...the first weekend in September, which seems like a lifetime ago).  People are bitter and angry about the election.  There seem to be more broken hearts than success stories.  The sun sets at 2:00 in the afternoon.  I'm not actively looking for an internship anymore.  I'm frustrated.

And it's oh so easy to define myself by this feeling.  By these failings that seem to follow me.  The girl who has bypassed reading interesting things.  The person who doesn't seem to have interesting thoughts.  The one that is forgotten by her old friends and who sits and does homework. all. day. long.
I'm not saying that routine is the hardest parts of life.  And there are some days that I am so profoundly grateful for this routine of mine, where I'm in a program I want, with all of my family safe and sound.  I have friends who chat with me.  I have goals.  I have hope for the future.

And then there are other Thursdays where the thought of reading three chapters for my business law class seems monumentally difficult, and I'm feeling good to get through a single page.

I saw a friend who I hadn't seen in a while.  I walked right up to him, gave him a hug, and started chatting.  He looked at me, surprised, and said you look so happy!  What's your secret?  Your major definitely agrees with you!

When he said that, I had just come from a stressful class after turning in a project that made me seriously consider my major choice.

But you know, there are some days where you do nail it.  And your outfit is on point.  And there are some days where your major does agree with you.

I'll take that (small) victory, thank you very much.  And run with it (except probably not literally because I'm still reveling in the fact that I no longer have to run).

Hang in there during the second week of November when you feel cemented in up to your knees with obligations, assignments, and that one last midterm that makes you roll your eyes.

xo. Elise

No good, terrible, bad day.

If there was ever a day to be a Monday, this one takes the cake (speaking of, only perk today was leftover cake).  Wifi has been down, which is exponentially more frustrating when you actually have work to do.  As a little intern, I was forgotten today.  It is spitting and raining and flashing lightning with thunder that makes you feel unsettled and annoyed.  Slight queasiness, bad hair, and frustrating student reviews make everything seem much worse than it is.  

Let's hold onto tomorrow and the fact that U of A actually won against Gonzaga in a basketball rerun, instead of losing like we originally thought. 

Cheers for Google and looking up past scores to put me out of my misery while my parents enjoy the excitement of the game.  

xo. Elise 

Shamefully

I am shamelessly listening to the Kathie Lee Gifford Christmas CD and have been for the past week or so.  I can't help it, it makes me feel closer to home and have that comforting feel that envelopes me every time I start to peel a clementine.

[Sidenote: the smell of clementines reminds me debate tournaments, Christmas mornings, and cold Januarys.]

It's that week at school when all of the students look expectantly at the teacher, waiting to be let out early simply for the fact that it's almost the holidays.  I have a feeling campus is going to be deserted soon, and I'm wondering how I feel about that.

In other good news, I turned in my first eight page college paper today. I actually got all of my stuff turned in one time (insert tender mercy).  And my biology test grade mysteriously continue to go up... I don't exactly comprehend why, but I will take whatever I can get.

I have plans to buy chocolate covered cherries when I decorate for Christmas soon and maybe catch up on all of my homework over Thanksgiving break.  I'm dreaming of molasses cookies and brainstorming for the advent that Anne and I do every year (still doing it right Anne?)

I've felt a tad restless all day, and I am ready for a break.  Two more days and then two more classes.  I was literally planing my schedule like it was Thursday this morning, but the good news is that we finally finished this Wednesday.

xo. Elise

Currently

My hands smell like clementines.  I have never been so happy to have a big ole' bag of clementines all to myself.

I got a package full of Christmas music and a Target gift card from my sister today.  THANK YOU Anne for making Monday the best.

I had the last of my vanilla ice cream with milk and hot fudge sauce and it brought me back home.

I've been wearing a new beanie for the past fifty bajillion hours and I am ok with this.

I am actually on schedule for all of my homework today.  As in, everything on my list actually got done.  That is a blessing from above.

Hope the rest of this week works out as great as today did.

xo. Elise

Thank you Anne! 

Good Idea

Our visit to Versailles consisted of me hating my outfit that day.  I had been wearing a gray t-shirt to bed the past few days, you know, just a gray v-neck.  I (who knows where I got this logic) decided it would be ok to wear it as a normal shirt.  That's what it was, right?  Anyway, that was not a good idea because the rest of the day I felt frumpy.  Imagine that.

Today was one of those trying outfits days.  I don't want to sound completely shallow, but really, it was rough.  I woke up feeling homesick, generally exhausted, and I had a headache.  The outfit dilemma just made it worse, and here I am, already on campus, feeling like I'm wearing my pajama shirt again.

Sigh.  Not a good idea.

Cheers to Thursdays and the fact that the week is almost over.

If you want happy news about that fateful pajama day in Versailles, these pictures are actually some of my favorites from the whole trip.  Looking back, I realized that my raincoat did a great job of covering up the shirt, the bike ride couldn't have been more perfect, and my hair was decent.  I am so blessed to have experienced royalty with that family of mine.

xo. Elise

Breakdown

Somehow, I just knew that this would be the week.  Every thing seemed to be flowing too smoothly.  Nothing was too hard yet.  My homesickness seemed heightened yesterday.

And then today I had my first college breakdown while on the phone with my mom.

And so what did I do?  Heck yeah I took pictures.  Just not a selfie because I don't like taking crying selfies.

At least it's a pretty place for a breakdown. 

I had one more class, which I went to a little reluctantly.  It was philosophy, the class that makes me feel the most insecure.  Last class I counted down the minutes (literally, typed it up on my computer) until it was over.  I prayed so hard before this class that I wouldn't cry.  I didn't want to cry, fall apart, or have a horrible attitude.  I couldn't handle anything else in this Monday.  

I have to say, Heavenly Father answers prayers.

First, the class went so quickly.  I am so grateful with how time flew. 

Second, I finally had enough courage to ask a question.  This was goal of mine since last week, and I am proud to say that I did it.  Additionally, he said that it was a excellent point and nice question. Booyah. 

Third, we got our papers back, which I was terrified about.  I had no idea how to write one, and I was positive that it was probably horrible.  BUT I GOT A FIVE!  (The highest you can get...and a four on the other, details).  

I am so grateful I have a Heavenly Father who answers prayers.  I am so grateful because without those tender mercies I couldn't have handled it. Plus,  I came home and my dinner actually tasted really good. 

On a side note, some hipster at BYU is trying to mimic the Instagram of Humans of New York (you know, the one that has a couple million followers?)  Technically we were misquoted, but here is a picture of my friend and I after we left the football game early.  hehe.

This Monday was horrible, but there is mercy everywhere. 

xo. Elise 

Rain Outside my Window

I have been up since 4:30, due to all of my jet lag.  My window has been open since then, blowing in nice and cool breezes.  Currently I am listening to the pitter patter of rain and my room is the perfect temperature.  I just wanted to through a note out in the world letting people know of the beauty this world has.

I just got back from a twelve day trip with my family to London and Paris.  It was perfect.  I am so lucky to have experienced that with them and to enjoy each other before it feels like our whole world changes.

As of right now, I'm ok with the rain dripping down and the way my center of gravity is stable.

xo. Elise

Sick Day

All I really want right now is the peanut butter Ben and Jerry's ice cream that is currently residing in my freezer.  However, I'm going to have to refrain for at least twelve more hours.  My mom and I woke up feeling a tad under the weather today.  For me, it is that awful achy feeling where you don't want to do anything but you aren't glued to the toilet all day so you feel like you should be doing something.  I also shouldn't be eating incredibly rich desserts, which we all know Ben and Jerry's qualify a zillion times over.

So I've taken a sick day.  Sick days always seem more fun when you don't actually have a sick day.  Lounging around all day in gross pajamas is not what dreams are made of.  I leave for Europe in three days (don't worry Anne, I'll be feeling fine) and I move out in a month and a day.  Wow.  How is that for stark reality?  Life is going to be picking up speed soon, but for today, time moved incredibly slowly.

Longest day of my life.

xo. Elise

Graduation

Well folks, I've graduated!  That is a crazy thought, huh?
First, whiplash is real folks, even for a supposedly young adult in her prime.  Ouch.
Second, runs at 5 in the morning after being up all night are pretty much perfect.
Third, going for doughnuts right as the store opens is probably the best time to go.
Fourth, speaking at graduation was one of the highest honors I can think of.
Fifth, this is going to be a summer of goodbyes.  First one was on Saturday.
Sixth, late-night talks are beautiful when outside.
Seventh, so far the pool on my lips got up to $210.
Eighth, I got 10 hours of sleep last night and I think I finally recovered from my all-nighter.
Ninth, graduation day was pretty special.  It made me all sorts of happy.
Tenth, this is going to be a crazy summer since I have three different bucket lists.

xo. Elise

Those little things I'll forget.

Today was technically my last day of high school, even though I only went to school for half an hour.  My palms are sweating when I think about my speech tomorrow and I am anxious all inside when I think about it.

I feel like I've been saying good-bye for the past two weeks.  Oh, this is the last time for this, last time for that, oh wait, I still will see you all next week.  People always ask about graduation, but they never say how weird life is going to be, you know?  Your entire landscape is going to change, and it's probably the most bizarre feeling, yet no one acknowledges it!

But what I want to remember this year:
Late nights and early mornings.  Friends, and a friend group!  A lot of volleyball.  A permanent Google Chrome window open with debate research or We the People.  My lunch would consist of a whole wheat bagel, banana, tomatoes, and apple.  I would get up around 6:10.  I would leave by 7:20.  I stayed late a lot working on debate, stats, or WTP.  I listened to The Dog Days are Over, Love Me Again, Try, Hurricane, and Humble Me.  I was obsessed with my jean vest and red gingham shirt.  I read Daring Greatly which completely changed how I view myself and how I interact with others.  My locker was usually full of textbooks and I carried my laptop around nearly every day since January. My unit would always meet in the farthest left library table, the one with four chairs.  I had a surprise birthday party, a complete surprise, full of so many people.  I was really into bracelets and usually had two or three on.  Last trimester I had five college classes-that was a mistake.  It sometimes felt like I was constantly being judged for something, a debate tournament, scholarship opportunity, or speech.  I wrote in my journal a lot.  I got a lot better at ignoring the voice of doubt.  I started acting a lot more like myself and decided to just start doing it.  I really got into the treadmill this year and started running on it more.  I started using iCal and kind of loved it.  I got a Snapchat and made my Instagram public.  I started thinking a lot about what to cook next year when I'm on my own.  I went to a few mission call openings and will go to a lot of farewells.  People said that I got mono at True Bobcat (I didn't even go) and Mono Monday became a thing.  It seemed like very few people called me Elise, it varied from Elsie, Elsea, Canise, Else, Ellis, and most recently, Big Irene (least favorite).  People found out I was an ice cream lover and I discovered I loved strawberries.  I liked INXS and liked to run to my 'Soulful' playlist.  Strawberry chocolate shakes are the best from In-n-Out.

This girl is ready to graduate and rock the world.  Let me at 'em.

xo. Elise

It's Official!

I am officially 18.  Born at 2:13 at p.m.  Talk about crazy.  A little scared...a little nervous...feeling very loved and happy.  I am currently typing this on my brand new laptop! (eek! I have been waiting for this forever).  I went shopping with my sister, went and saw Frozen (some people are worth melting for), and went to dinner with my family.  Yesterday my mom threw me a surprise birthday party and it was absolutely perfect, right down to the light pink balloons that still make me happy when I see them.

I've been thinking a lot about being 18.   I feel like I'm really good at being a teenager.  I am a successful high school student.  I can ace those tests, I can finish those projects, I can win those awards.  I can do all of that, and quite easily, well...ok with some stress.  But I don't know how to be an adult.  I don't know how to pay bills, be a parent, have a career.  I don't know what it's like to not have my entire life in front of me.  I don't know how.  And that is what scares me probably the most about being 18.

But if anything, this birthday has taught me that I am loved.  Over 40 people came to my surprise party yesterday.  I had so many people text me, post on my wall, and bring me the nicest gifts.  I am loved and people like me.  And I think that it is enough, enough to let me move past the fear of the unknown I have.

And, like my sister's gift to me said, "Do not fear the future."

xo. Elise, the 18 year old.

Make Roll in the Aisles

I looked up synonyms to 'wow' in my best friend (the thesaurus) and that is what I came up with.  Pretty spiffy if you ask me.

However, I feel like they need to have more of an...I don't know...stressed out version of 'wow' in the thesaurus.  Because right now?

Woooooooowwwwwwww.

This week is about as crazy as you can get.  Seriously, I very seldom miss school, and I am missing two days this week for extracurricular activities.  Both of which require me to know random facts and miscellaneous trivia.  Nobel prizes anyone?

One thing though, my mom told me that I seemed to be handling it ok.  Which I think I am.  I greeted my dad with a big smile as I came home tonight, and it was fun to see him light up with a smile right back at me.

The little things peeps...the little things.  About all I can afford right now. :) Wish me luck!

h&g. Elise

Whirled Peas

I sat at the dinner table tonight and sighed.  My brain just keeps whirling and spinning and changing and ahh!  Just stop.   It is always funny when I think of ninth grade...oh that I could go back and appreciate it just a little bit more.  Appreciate all of those things that I worried about or didn't recognize how good I had it.  

The funniest thing about that daydream is the fact that next year, when I am sitting in my dorm room, squished on a bed, with a laptop in my lap, I will long for these days.  Not yesterday or tomorrow, but for today.  If only I could go back to my senior year when I still had debate tournaments to go to...when I didn't have to make my own food...or worry about my future major...or for my final in my [insert class]...or when I had friends that knew me and appreciated me...or when...

Or when.  Even when I had hard days.  Even when it seems like that weight on my chest full of nervousness won't ever disappear.  Even when it seems like I always wish I could change something about myself.  

Because even now?  It seems pretty great, you know, to everyone else not living my life.  Isn't it funny how everyone else's life seems just a little bit better than yours?  You know, they don't have to worry about this and that or when or how or why.  

Because sometimes life is pretty darn good.  

Because this girl?  She has it pretty darn good. 

Plus, this song!  Say what you want about 1D, it is raising my nostalgia levels to the roof.  

h&g. Elise 

Vanity for the Win.

I was talking to a group of boys today.  They commented how they all got up at 7:00 a.m. for school.  I sat there slack-jawed they could get up that late.  But I guess vanity wins every time.

I got my senior pictures this week.  Again, vanity 2, humility 0.  This is going great.

Here are a few of my favorites.  Well, this week is going quickly.  But, I have to say that I am really enjoying every aspect of my life right now.  

xo. Elise

That look and following "ohhhh...."

When you are in high school, it is inevitable.  People will ask you what you do.  At different times of life, it is different things (what you major in, what your job is, where you went to school, how many kids you have, grandkids, etc, etc.).  But in high school?  What do you do?

I always want my first answer to be homework.  Because let's be honest...homework.  That is what I do.  Sometimes it seems like I do that allllll the time.

But no one wants to know I do schoolwork in school I guess?

So, I go with the, "Oh, I'm on the debate team."

If it's an adult they give me a slightly frightened look and say "ohhhh....I feel bad for your parents."

And all of sudden you feel like a horrible awful person!  Coming from a debater, I think of why I feel bad for my parents.  I feel bad for them because they deal with me coming home late, me sobbing when I don't do well (I've only sobbed a few times...ok?), being mad if I don't do well, being super happy when I do well, me always asking for money for trips, hotels, and food.  It goes on.

But what everyone else assumes?  They assume that I am an angry, bitter, yelly, debater.  Someone who argues with her parents.  Pfft.

Not true.

They should feel sorry for my parents because I am in charge of way to many things and am getting quite good at bossing people around.

xo.  Elise

P.S. Yes, I am aware that this is a stupid post all about #nerdy things.  I am over it.  Keep calm and debate on.

P.P.S.  That wasn't a good remedy was it?

However this picture?  This is a keeper.

Teenage girl resident.

Some people say that kids are meant to keep parents young.  I can see that.  In any case, I am the resident teenage girl at my house right now.  My companion is at college and is almost 21.  That's like adult.  (Weird....).  It is my role to relish in being a teenage girl.  You know, fluffy, clothes orientated, and say 'like' way too many times.

Now that we've established that, the real pertinent question arises.

 

Does this outfit match?  See!  I told you I can be fluffy!  Oh how embarrassing...but still, I just can't decide.  I wore it any way, and people seemed to like it, but I just can't make-up my mind.  Sometimes I think it does and then I look at it again I think I look like I dressed in the dark. Sigh.  Decisions.  I also have the sneaking suspicion that if I saw it on someone else's blog I would fall in love with it.  So is it just me wearing it?  Or in general.  This will haunt me tonight.

#firstworldprob

xo. Elise

Miss Frump

Today was a day I felt frumpy for no reason.  Literally, no reason!  How frustrating...my hair was curled.  I wore my favorite pair of jeans and a pair of my favorite shoes.  A classic cute necklace was around my neck...and yet.

That is always annoying?  If you aren't going to feel cute...at least not feel cute for a reason!

On a much loftier note, I've been thinking about service lately...and about family members and friends and acquaintances I don't know all that well who are struggling.  And I pray with all of my heart.  Just pray for them.  And hope.  Sometimes that is all it seems you can do, huh?  But I'm trying.  Trying to incorporate things to make it better for them.

Isn't it funny how much power we wield but how little it seems we can apply?  We have so much power.  We are such amazing creatures.  And we have so much going for us.  And we have so much potential.

I'm trying to figure out how to incorporate my potential into my life.  I really want to get rid of all of the stuff I don't want in my life.  Sometimes I am so full of motivation it's incredible.

And other days?  It's kind of like today...

 My first outfit post.  In Germany.  Top that.

Can someone get me a hat to hide behind today?  Or at least a trip to Germany?  I'd be down with either of those...please! 

xo. Elise 

Dust

Always at the beginning of summer when I think about summer, I think about green.  I think about dew on the grass and I think about green plants everywhere.

When I get to the end of the summer I think of a sun that's a little too hot and dust.  Dust in the streets.  Dust in my soul.  Dust on my backpack. (That's a good thing?)  Dust.

And tomorrow, the dust will clear.  On the flip side, my swimsuit will get dusty.  My vacation soul will begin to have chronic wanderlust.  And my brain will start fizzing like Rice Crispies or Pop Rocks, take your pick.

But, for the summary of my summer.  Or summer-y.  hehe.

Girl's Camp and the importance of being a leader.  Europe--how I found myself a little bit.  How I opened myself up a little bit.  And how I lived a little bit.  The food.  The fashion.  The people.  A.P. Tests--YES! EFY--growing closer to my Savior and my cousin, sans boys.  Or crushes on boys.  Sigh.  Week of nada, but mostly stress about debate camp.  Debate camp.  Hard hard hard.  Hard.  I learned a lot and feel happy with what I completed there.  3rd place baby!  I got my sea legs back.  Week of being sick, but really the week of epiphanies...how stressed and cross I really was last year.  A week with my sister.  That was the best.  Seriously, I would get little spurts of happiness that she was home. And throughout it all, missing my parents since I was gone 7/9 weeks in a row.

And there you have it.  Elise is ready to rock and roll her senior year.  Ok, that is crazy.  But in all seriousness, I feel like this summer has prepared me.  I have learned a mind-blowing amount of stuff about me.  About Elise.  Which is pretty great isn't it?

Good luck tomorrow with your new clothes, syllabuses, and new stress.  Wahoo.

xoxo. Elise

My Habitat

Here is a tour of my room!  My mom and I recently redecorated it (paint touch-up, new curtains, pillows, theme, etc.)  I'm really in love with it and my mom can't stop coming in and admiring everything.  Especially the wall gallery.  That was all us.  We're kicking my dad out of his job.  :)

Yes, that is a giraffe.  Her name is Eleanor.  She's rather pretty isn't she?

My mom loves the entryway...oh and that bag is one that my sister brought back for me.  Isnt' that nice?

Don't I have an amazing view?  Lucky duck over here!

The 'e' might be one of my favorite parts...e's are the best.

[Insert creative title here].

The most hilarious thing about this post, is that it's been in my drafts for months now...with simply the title written.  But now, it seems appropriate to post.  So.

[Insert creative blog post here].