No good, terrible, bad day.

If there was ever a day to be a Monday, this one takes the cake (speaking of, only perk today was leftover cake).  Wifi has been down, which is exponentially more frustrating when you actually have work to do.  As a little intern, I was forgotten today.  It is spitting and raining and flashing lightning with thunder that makes you feel unsettled and annoyed.  Slight queasiness, bad hair, and frustrating student reviews make everything seem much worse than it is.  

Let's hold onto tomorrow and the fact that U of A actually won against Gonzaga in a basketball rerun, instead of losing like we originally thought. 

Cheers for Google and looking up past scores to put me out of my misery while my parents enjoy the excitement of the game.  

xo. Elise 

Finals Day II

I am officially done with half of my finals, and finals week officially starts tomorrow.  Yes, yes I know.  I'm lucky, but also very tired and exhausted already.

Today was not a day for studying.  Today was a day for trying to get all of the forms correct and all of the reviews completed while getting up early to take a final that wasn't even posted.

Honestly, nothing went according to my calendar.  Absolutely nothing.

Which is intensely irritating and stressful.

Some days are like that and you are just grateful for the free doughnuts from the Residence
Association.

Because it seemed like a beautiful day on campus, even if the rest wasn't great.  

Last time grocery shopping with this roommate of mine.  Definitely bittersweet.  

Good luck everyone.  Hope tomorrow is better. 

xo. Elise 

Good Idea

Our visit to Versailles consisted of me hating my outfit that day.  I had been wearing a gray t-shirt to bed the past few days, you know, just a gray v-neck.  I (who knows where I got this logic) decided it would be ok to wear it as a normal shirt.  That's what it was, right?  Anyway, that was not a good idea because the rest of the day I felt frumpy.  Imagine that.

Today was one of those trying outfits days.  I don't want to sound completely shallow, but really, it was rough.  I woke up feeling homesick, generally exhausted, and I had a headache.  The outfit dilemma just made it worse, and here I am, already on campus, feeling like I'm wearing my pajama shirt again.

Sigh.  Not a good idea.

Cheers to Thursdays and the fact that the week is almost over.

If you want happy news about that fateful pajama day in Versailles, these pictures are actually some of my favorites from the whole trip.  Looking back, I realized that my raincoat did a great job of covering up the shirt, the bike ride couldn't have been more perfect, and my hair was decent.  I am so blessed to have experienced royalty with that family of mine.

xo. Elise

Missing

I wore a blazer today and thought of Anne. (It looks great fyi).
I got an essay assignment today that is so similar to an A.P. English essay I am cringing on the inside from the insecurity flashbacks and slightly bored attitude because that really was junior year.
I started the morning thinking I was going grocery shopping and then decided not to because I didn't want to lose my parking spot (long story, don't ask) and felt unsettled about it.
Went on an emergency DQ run last night because of boy problems.  No, not my boy problems.  My roommate found out some disappointing news and we decided a blizzard was in order.  Apple pie blizzard.  Try it, I would almost describe it as heavenly.

And now for the real reason that I am feeling jumbled.

My old high school debate team has their first tournament today.  I have been going on and off these past few weeks about debate.  Some moments I am so eternally grateful that I am done.  Done and ended on a good note.  Done and don't have to worry about it anymore.  Done and escaped by the skin of my teeth before I got hurt again or had to work hard.

And so moments I miss it in a really weird, bizarre way.

Come to think of it, I wore this blazer and shirt the day of my last tournament.  (This is also the combo I wore to the Huntsman Scholar luncheon and the day I visited BYU...but details.)

Not going to lie, I really miss myself.  Sometimes I'm taking notes and I do an abbreviation that I used to do for flowing debate.  And I miss it.

In some ways I hate that I'm even writing about this because it was just a dumb high school team for debate, which makes me feel even dumber because...debate.

But at the end of the day, I really do miss it.  And I really do wish that I could go back some days.  And at the end of the day, I miss that comfortable spot I used to call mine.

I washed my sheets today and I was remaking my bed.  I almost started crying when I realized that the last time my mom helped me.  I also thought about how my mom used to ask me to help her remake her bed.  It made me sad I'm not going to do that anymore.  It's not really the chores I miss, but the very act of doing them that I miss, with my mom.

Almost started crying today in Writing because of everything I was missing.  My mom.  My dad.  My sister.  Myself.

So we are going to get through today.  We are going to get through this little rough patch in the grieving cycle when I miss myself and my old life enough that it feels like I can never swallow hard enough to keep it in.

On that note, going to go treat myself to a smoothie.

Have a great weekend.

xo. Elise

Breakdown

Somehow, I just knew that this would be the week.  Every thing seemed to be flowing too smoothly.  Nothing was too hard yet.  My homesickness seemed heightened yesterday.

And then today I had my first college breakdown while on the phone with my mom.

And so what did I do?  Heck yeah I took pictures.  Just not a selfie because I don't like taking crying selfies.

At least it's a pretty place for a breakdown. 

I had one more class, which I went to a little reluctantly.  It was philosophy, the class that makes me feel the most insecure.  Last class I counted down the minutes (literally, typed it up on my computer) until it was over.  I prayed so hard before this class that I wouldn't cry.  I didn't want to cry, fall apart, or have a horrible attitude.  I couldn't handle anything else in this Monday.  

I have to say, Heavenly Father answers prayers.

First, the class went so quickly.  I am so grateful with how time flew. 

Second, I finally had enough courage to ask a question.  This was goal of mine since last week, and I am proud to say that I did it.  Additionally, he said that it was a excellent point and nice question. Booyah. 

Third, we got our papers back, which I was terrified about.  I had no idea how to write one, and I was positive that it was probably horrible.  BUT I GOT A FIVE!  (The highest you can get...and a four on the other, details).  

I am so grateful I have a Heavenly Father who answers prayers.  I am so grateful because without those tender mercies I couldn't have handled it. Plus,  I came home and my dinner actually tasted really good. 

On a side note, some hipster at BYU is trying to mimic the Instagram of Humans of New York (you know, the one that has a couple million followers?)  Technically we were misquoted, but here is a picture of my friend and I after we left the football game early.  hehe.

This Monday was horrible, but there is mercy everywhere. 

xo. Elise 

Maps

I know I was being all optimistic in my previous post, about how great new beginnings are and everything, but sometimes there are things that still make me catch my breath.

Like this:

It would take me 2 hours and 32 minutes to go home. 

Sometimes my phone is a little too smart. 

Elise

Sick Day

All I really want right now is the peanut butter Ben and Jerry's ice cream that is currently residing in my freezer.  However, I'm going to have to refrain for at least twelve more hours.  My mom and I woke up feeling a tad under the weather today.  For me, it is that awful achy feeling where you don't want to do anything but you aren't glued to the toilet all day so you feel like you should be doing something.  I also shouldn't be eating incredibly rich desserts, which we all know Ben and Jerry's qualify a zillion times over.

So I've taken a sick day.  Sick days always seem more fun when you don't actually have a sick day.  Lounging around all day in gross pajamas is not what dreams are made of.  I leave for Europe in three days (don't worry Anne, I'll be feeling fine) and I move out in a month and a day.  Wow.  How is that for stark reality?  Life is going to be picking up speed soon, but for today, time moved incredibly slowly.

Longest day of my life.

xo. Elise

Natch.

Natch: slang: of course, naturally.

You would think that after 3 years of doing this, writing a case would be easy.  You would think that being in a leadership position would make it so I have more confidence in what I'm doing or saying or teaching. You would think that things would come naturally.

Natch.

Guess what?

It doesn't.   I still sit in front of the computer screen irritated and frustrated and confused and blank.  I have no idea what to say.  I honestly truly don't know...

Yes, I am the type of girl who studies for everything, even the smallest quiz.  But, still, things just don't quite come natch.

h&g. Elise

You know how it is.

You know how it is when suddenly:

Your face decides to break out.  Thanks buds...or I should say pores.
Your hair suddenly decides to become flat and stringy?
Your clothes decide they don't like you anymore...
You really need to learn to say no.
You say yes to just five billion more things to help you be more busy.
You feel like you are the only one working your tail end off...and whaddya know, everyone else is acing everything.

Oh blech.  Is it Thursday yet?

Off to write an essay, study for Spanish quiz, and redo an English test.

Aftertaste.

You know when you have a cold and you are blowing what feels like your brains out into a tissue because you have such a stuffy nose?  So then your dad asks if you have taken any medicine...like ever, and you sheepishly say...um not for the last forty bajillion hours.  So when it's bedtime, you have to go into the bathroom and slurp down some NyQuil?  And it tastes so nasty you get goosebumps and want to puke in your mouth?

Oh wait, that doesn't happen to you?

Well, the point is, is the aftertaste.  Oh how I hate the aftertaste.  You have swallowed the bitter cup, but it's that gnarly flavor that haunts you every time you swallow.

That is what I'm feeling like right now.  That aftertaste.  The nausea that comes after uncomfortable feelings.  That leeeetle line that pops up in between your forehead when you think about what you could have done differently.

Ugh...I hate it when I reaffirm opinions of teenagers.

One of these things Is not like the other.

I have a debate tournament. It's a pretty big one. Huge would probably be a more apt description. And I just keeping thinking of how I don't really belong in the debate world, specifically those at this tournament. I sometimes see the debate world as alternatives that don't always have the best hygiene habits. I know some that don't believe in God. I know some that devote their life to debate. Now, I'm not saying any of these things are bad, I'm just saying I don't always feel like I belong. They whip out their laptops and g2 pens and their 300 hundred page evidence brief they researched by themselves. I whip out my little bic pens and my one inch binder.

I'm saying this all wrong, and not quite putting what I'm thinking into correct words, but still sometimes I feel a little different in a group I'm supposed to belong to. Feeling out of place in a place you belong. Good luck to those that know how I feel.

On a side note, I wonder how many people confirm and change themselves and their personalities to 'belong' in a group. I almost think that's necessary to truly belong in any group.

MY SISTER WOULD BE SO DISAPPOINTED

I'm sure she saw the blog title and thought, "Me?? What on earth could I be disappointed about?" Well, I made cinnamon rolls.  I have a few rules for cinnamon rolls, unspoken of course.

1. Homemade preferred.  None of that came in a roll and have a plastic bag of frosting stuff. (Not to say I would ever really turn down a cinnamon roll but....)
2. Cream cheese frosting.  This is coming from a girl who is buttercream all the way.  When I made graduation cupcakes for the aforementioned sister, she requested cream cheese frosting on them.  I rebelled slightly and still made buttercream, with only a few with cream cheese frosting. (!) Anyway, I have a few places where cream cheese frosting is appropriate.  Carrot cake, cinnamon rolls, and...that's all I can think of.

Well, I failed on the cream cheese.  We didn't have any, which is fine, no big deal.  Buttercream is an amazing frosting that I love and did in fact use on the cinnamon rolls.  However, I have that little feeling that she would be slightly disappointed that that love affair of her's was not carried through today.  Sorry sis. :) I rather like buttercream.