grateful.

1. Tomatillo salsa
2. Cute, new blouses
3. Good playlists
4. Planned adventures
5.  Facetimeing my parents on porch swings
6. The Fast & the Furious franchise
7. The Good Witch season 4!!!!
8. Old Lucid t-shirts
9. Space party planning
10.  Making pico de gallo like it's my job
11. New moon hair clip
12. Catered lunch tomorrow
13. unexpectedly good conversations
14. Great Mexican food
15. My mattress heating pad (yep, still using it in June)
16.  SMT and all of the royal engagements lately
17.  At least being reminded to give away my Legos
18. Taking a practice GRE test
19.  Cleaning the kitchen
20. Great writing

Halfway and a happy birthday

Today was my half birthday and all I'm saying is my 21st year is not going the way I expected.  It may be cheesy and naive, but I always pictured this year just being golden.  And even though it was technically my golden birthday, this year has not been golden.  It's been full of things that have caught me off guard.

A few things I've learned in the past six months since I had the best Cuban sandwich of my life and blew out my candles over cheesecake:

1. I have gotten so used to people having very purposeful exits in my life, usually marked by literal farewells and goodbye hugs.  I've learned that a lot of people in your life leave, and you didn't expect it.  I've gotten used to saying goodbye, but I've had the luxury of always knowing it was happening.  This past year, I've said goodbye a lot (again) but it happened before I even realized it.  And I've learned I need to be more ok with that.
2.  I've learned that grief is a very physical reaction.  I remember that day in February when I started crying, immediately.  And then I talked on the phone to a group member about a project.  I went and got dinner and almost started crying because they no longer had cherry flavoring for my shake.  And then that night I was reading for my Organizational Behavior class, and I was so cold.  I was just cold to my bones.  And I didn't know that life could be so absolutely normal and absolutely freezing at the same time.
3.  I've learned that my testimony truly is a lense in which I view my life. Even when my faith could be better or I could be living the Gospel more fully, I view my life through God's hand in my life.  It hasn't always been like that, but I'm proud of that thought process.
4. Being nice does not always have an immediate return on investment.  There have been a lot of text messages I've sent that haven't had a response.  A lot of thank you notes sent.  A lot of prayers sent.  A lot of follow up conversations.  And in a lot of ways, it seems like I kept putting forth effort with not a whole lot of feedback.  But ever since this summer has started, I have felt so many things come back tenfold.  And no, those text messages still haven't been responded to and the follow up conversations aren't always two-sided.  But in so many other ways, I have felt the kindness of so many near-strangers.  People have invited me over for dinner, they have asked about my favorite music, and they have listened to me talk about BYU and the people I love.  And so maybe I've really just learned that the return on my kindness investment is different than I expected, but exactly what I needed.
5. Just because you are part of a group, doesn't mean you have to be going where the group is headed.  I think this quote sums it up for me: "I was part of the strange race of people aptly described as spending their lives doing things they detest, to make money they don't want, to buy things they don't need, to impress people they don't like." -Emile Gauvreau.   When I read this quote, it stopped me in my tracks.  In some ways it feels more like the motto of the business school.  But going forward, I don't want to be going with the group just so I can make a lot of money that will impress the group.  I want to be better than that.  I want to be more thoughtful than that.
6.  Sometimes a haircut is just a haircut but sometimes it's a testament to change, to God, and to an identity crisis.  And that's an important thing to recognize as you Google how to grow your hair quickly.
7.  You need to do what you need to do to make your life comfortable.  I think we sometimes assume we can make do with what we have.  (Which is exactly why I lived with the fridge light for two years).  But sometimes you buy the coconut syrup and command hooks to hang your favorite baseball cap.  This can also include saying no to being social or hanging out with people.  This also includes going to bed before you've finished your to-do list.  There isn't a prize for enduring life in the most inconvenient way.
8.  I'm not very good at this yet, but I'm learning to not doubt myself as much.  As a member of the church, I want so desperately to be constantly in tune with the Spirit and receive confirmation of my decisions.  I want that verification and feedback (maybe it's just because I'm a millennial, who knows?)  I kind of assumed that if I lived 'righteously' enough, then I wouldn't doubt my spiritual decisions.  I've learned that's not true.  I finally had closure on a decision I made months ago, and I finally feel wholly and completely good about it.  I learned that yes, I made the decision what seems like forever ago, but I didn't know whether it was the right one until just now.  But that doesn't mean it's the wrong one.  Sometimes we really just have to trust ourselves, and trust that if we are listening, God will guide us.  And that's a powerful reminder to me as I enter a season of a lot of decisions.
9. It's ok to feel like all you're giving is your bare minimum, because, to be quite frank, it's not your bare minimum.   Unless all you do is get up and breath, you are doing more than you bare minimum.  If you talk on the phone with your family, finish homework on time, and make guacamole for dinner, you are doing more than the bare minimum.  You are connecting with the people in your life, furthering your education, and feeding yourself some healthy fats and comfort food.  All of this is better than just breathing and feeling sorry for yourself.  There have been a lot of days where I felt like I was barely giving forth my best effort, but I was actually still praying, reading my scriptures, and saying hi.  And I was in that rut for a very, very long time.  And I still accomplished a lot that I can be proud of.
10.  I am still unpacking this, but when you have not been ok for a long time, you really have to give yourself permission to be ok again.  You have to remind yourself it's ok to laugh.  You have to be ok with...being ok again.  And some days are just plain good.  And there is nothing wrong with having a good day.  Getting to a better and happier place doesn't undermine the difficult things you went through, and it doesn't undermine the difficult things that you are still going through.  A part of me thinks that if I say, wow, I actually had a good day today, that I don't have permission to have bad days.  I have started to just feel like I had to be in a bad place, every day, in order to justify my feelings.  And nope, that's not how it works.  You can be good and bad and ok and horrible and content and hopeful and crying all in the same breath (I mean it's exhausting for my poor parents on the other end of the phone).  That is probably the epitome of the human experience, and aren't we grateful we get to experience the whole spectrum?
10.5 Hope is a powerful thing, and that's why being hopeful is still worth the investment.

Currently

Making: plans for the 59 days left.
Cooking: anything that doesn't require cooking, lols. 
Drinking: Diet Coke, best part of my afternoon. 
Reading: Bittersweet, again.  And it's really, really good.  
Wanting: to sleep in  
Looking: for a new good book to read.
Playing: Sixteen, Chelsea Cutler. 
Wasting: time on Netflix.  
Wishing: there were more mountains.  
Enjoying: my new air freshener. 
Waiting: my coconut syrup to come.  
Liking: my new Nike pullover.    
Wondering: when everyone will reply to my emails. 
Loving: the fact that I don't have to take my internship class anymore.  BLESSINGS.  
Hoping: I stop counting.  
Marveling: at the fact that there is more good than bad.
Needing: to not eat as many M&Ms.   
Smelling: my shampoo and conditioner. 
Wearing: gray athleisure, per usual. 
Following: some of my goals.  
Noticing: how small the sky is here.  
Knowing: GOOD THINGS ARE COMING.  
Thinking: sometimes what is good for your soul and spirit is not as fun for the rest of you.  
Bookmarking: new websites at work. 
Opening: my new prep book  
Giggling: at the very ugly towels Alesha got as a wedding gift.   
Feeling: hopeful, dang it. 

Currently Pt. II

Making: a picnic to take up the canyon. 
Cooking: those yummy oatmeal raspberry bars.  
Drinking: Vitamin Water lemonade, zero.  But really just wanting a diet root beer.  
Reading: Before Happiness.  I should be reading Naked Economics.  But what I'm really reading?  Uncommon Criminals.  
Wanting: two days off from school, work, and responsibilities.  
Looking: for perspective.  
Playing: My House from Flo Rida.  This is an embarrassing rap song but Alesha and I really like it sooo...there's that.  
Wasting: time, but sometimes I wonder if it really is a waste.  
Wishing: it could be warm today.  
Enjoying: the fact that I only have two midterms left.  
Waiting: for homework to no longer be a thing.  
Liking: my new comfy dress.  
Wondering: where I will be in a year from now. 
Loving: the way my mantle is decorated  
Hoping: that I can do another case competition this year.  
Marveling: at how great it is to have Anne close this year.  
Needing: to talk with my parents more.  
Smelling: Pumpkin Spice plug-in aka white girl 
Wearing: my new comfy dress (see above) 
Following: my fears probably a little too much
Noticing: how blue the sky is 
Knowing: I lead a pretty beautiful life 
Thinking: I should file my taxes soonish
Feeling: a little under the weather 
Bookmarking: good recipes I want to make when I'm bored 
Opening: myself up to new definitions of myself 
Giggling: at ridiculous pictures of a guy with two parts in his hair 
Feeling: a little overwhelmed but over ok about everything 

And now for the edited selfie I like but have no where else to put.  Here ya go.

xo. Elise

8-8

I left my apartment today at 8 a.m. and got back at 8 p.m.

When you look at your calendar or to-do list, it's too easy to look at the list and think you weren't productive at all today.  Because just look at all of that studying you could have done, but didn't actually do.  (Of course, looking back I realized that I never put any time to eat on my daily schedule so that's an issue).

But let's talk about what I did accomplish.

1. Attend two student meetings.
2. Attend class.
3. Attend weekly Thursday meeting.
4. Attend Strategy bootcamp.
5. Participate in a study for extra credit aka play a computer game for a half an hour
6. Finish two practice tests
7. Work for a total of four hours today.
8. Emailed professor about meeting time tomorrow.
9. Listened to this song https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DDWKuo3gXMQ ten times.
10. Wrote this blogpost.

Ugh, that doesn't look that impressive, does it?

Regardless, I am ending today tired, but doing ok.  That feeling when you work hard and you're tired?

I also came to the realization that I am assume everyone is working as hard as I do or that they care as much as I do.  I had been lumping me with everyone in my classes--about how they don't think they will do well or get into the program they want.  I was thinking that people had similar GPA's and resumes as me.  We all think everyone is like us.

News flash: they're not.  In some cases, I work much harder and care a lot more than a lot of people, BYU or not.  And that made me feel good to remember that.

So here is a grainy selfie of a girl dreaming of when she no longer has a midterm hovering and Thanksgiving break is too exciting.

Summer Edition: Things I learned

It's weird that my summer started clear back in April, and now it's August.  That seems like a ridiculous amount of time.  That's a third of the year, which is basically what my fifth grade summer dreams are made of.  No more two and a half month stints for me.

Things I've learned: I've learned that I really don't like juice and to me it's a waste of calories.  I learned how to drive and park at the airport, by myself (!!!).  I learned how to order room service.  I learned that popcorn can be a great dinner option, but sometimes even two apples and a peach are a-ok.  I learned what SQL is and how to write code.  I learned that I need Mexican food about once a week to feel at peace with the world.  I learned that I can use a pizza stone without burning the house down. I've learned to recognize my talents and admit them.  I realized I don't need to qualify anything.  I've learned that baked onion rings are just as good as fried, which is some of the best news I've heard.  I've learned that taking social media fasts are my jam, but I'm still working out the kinks in my method.  I've learned having a place for everything is really important to me.  I've learned that so many things don't matter anymore after you put a year between them. I've learned to say what I feel and let silence fill in the rest. I've learned that being brave doesn't have to be loud and that no one else needs to think that you were brave.  I've learned that sometimes your fears do come true.  Sometimes they are exactly what you are afraid of, but I've also learned that even if your fears do happen, you are strong enough to live through them.  I've learned that I need to figure out a new goal system.  I've realized I don't like confusing instructions.  I remembered that I really am capable of hard work, and I thrive with it. I've learned that podcasts can be great, and I like the Relevant podcast with an absurdness that is funny even to me.  I realized that summer is always a poor music time for me, and I never find any good songs during the summer.  I've learned how to drive to Anne's new home. I learned what it feels like to visit Logan and go back to see a college roommate.  I've learned that I'm over goodbyes.  I've learned that you have a lot more control over some things than you might think.  I've learned to go to bed, just go to bed.  I've learned that having a pen, post-it notes, a hair thing, and tissues nearby are really great ideas.  I've become a pro at packing a liquid airplane bag.  I've developed a high tolerance for boring things and how to survive. 

I've learned that summer is a time of transition and no longer a time of pool days and lemonade stands.  I've learned that's ok.  It's been a hard summer full of really excellent memories and really great people.  

xo. Elise

Moping Session: Check

I have the happy news that my moping session is officially done.  My parents and sister are probably very relieved to hear that I am done moping around, being bored.

This week has been frustrating, relieving, exciting, scary, exhausting, strange, and freeing.  I haven't done much, and that's been kind of annoying.

But I'm starting to think about what I want to do with this time.  I am trying to decide how I want to use my time to do a better job of achieving my goals.  I have a month before people are counting on me again.  So I'm going to enjoy the chance to finish up what I wanted to do all year but didn't have time.  And yes, some of those things included not running, making cookies, and lazing around with absolutely nothing to do--exactly like I have this week.

So here is to a new day.  Maybe I will visit the botanical gardens (actually, that's probably a yes).  Maybe I will run more (ok, that's a yes too).  Maybe I will write the next great American novel.  Maybe I will learn more about photography.  Maybe I will make a goal to bake a different batch of cookies every week.  Maybe I will try every ice cream place in town.  Maybe I will drive to Salt Lake and go shopping all day.  Maybe I will drive and visit every National Park in Utah.  Maybe I really will buy a mountain bike.  Maybe I will hike every trail in the nearest 25 miles.  Maybe I will fly to California, New York, and Canada just for the fun of it.  (Ok, the last five are probably a no).

But I have a month, starting tomorrow, to do whatever I want.

So maybe I'll find a hobby or two.

xo. Elise

I've Learned: Part II

I just finished my last class for my freshman year, and of course, I feel like crying.  Last time I wrote this, April 14th seemed forever away.  I had a whole other semester to live through, and I was so excited.  I honestly didn't understand how my life could get any better than it was right then, and a small part of me was scared that it wouldn't.

This semester was so much harder than first semester in so many ways.  My classes were hard.  I struggled with the winter, even if it wasn't that cold.  I felt lonely a lot of the time, and I am still working on my relationship with God and attempting to understand a better of His plan.

Even through all of those hard things, I've seen so many miracles, that I am happy to say that yes, I am happier than I was even last semester.

I've learned you can say goodbye to a house and survive.  I've learned cutting what seems like ten inches of your hair isn't a disaster, it will grow back.  I've learned concerts mean a lot of standing time.  I've learned you don't always have to be everyone's best friend, and that's ok.  I've learned to stop analyzing in depth so many insignificant things (aka boys).  I've learned peanut butter goes with everything, seriously, everything.  I've learned that hand washing dishes gets old after about six months and your standards for a dishwasher go significantly down at that point.  I've learned that having really good friends can cover so many gaps in your life.  I've finally learned how on earth to use the water bottle filling stations on campus (hint: they are motion detectors).  I've learned how to be a program director--ha, ok not really learned, but I definitely attempted.  I've learned how to curl my hair the other direction.  I've learned that yogurt is one of my favorite foods.  I've learned that 2:30 should really just be a good maximum bed time.  The fun decreases exponentially after that, even if you're still laughing.  I've learned you don't need as much jewelry to make an outfit complete and sometimes comfortable shoes are really the way you should go.  I've learned to not buy ice cream at the store anymore (Creamery runs don't count).  I've learned that almost every single dessert is better frozen--carrot cake, cheesecake, cookie dough, even brownies.  I've learned to go to reviews and do to the practice quiz before the actual quiz (mind-blowing, I know).  I've learned to just go, even when you're scared. Going will be infinitely better than not.  I've learned exactly what to expect from every banquet from BYU in the future.  I've learned to run, even when I don't want to.  I've learned that I am not much of a moderator, but I can be an abstainer.  I've learned to cook food, just cook--always adding more heat and more flavor.  I've learned that writing is good therapy, but sometimes it is exhausting.  I've learned you don't always need to feel something every time you think you should.  I've learned to step up and say something.  I've learned how to comfort and be there for people, and I've learned how to receive comfort.  I'm learning how to ignore those voices that haunt me, trying to place their expectations on me.  I've learned the weekend plans of window shopping and looking for a place for dessert is perfect.  I've learned to say no and say yes.  I've finally learned how to grocery shop a little bit better, and I've learned how to organize every little thing in my dorm room.  I've learned how to use my calendar.  I've learned to 'SSGM' (save, send, group message).  I've learned to sing loud and find good music, and dance when it is good.  I've learned to be patient with myself, others, and timing.  I've how to sign a housing contract and how to really register for classes.

I might to do another one of these, since things keep coming to mind, but this is good for now.

And I am feeling grateful for right now.  Even though it's ending and even though I have finals.

I am grateful.

xo. Elise

First day of school picture!

(almost) Last day of school picture!

Things I've Learned Part II

I am about halfway through my second semester of college and am always astounded at the things I've learned while being here.  

So here's a list.  

1. I don't actually have to buy two boxes of strawberries.  Especially when the said strawberries are on sale post-Valentine's Day and on their way out.  

2. You can freeze practically everything.  Like strawberries that are on their way out. 

3. Cookie dough in the freezer is a life saver.  Always have some.

4. Always stock up on cold medicine.  Just do it. 

5. Tire stores take longer than you ever want.

6. Dishes are endless.  Seriously, they will constantly be there.  I under stand the appeal of having disposable everything.  I should look into that. 

7. Baking is my therapy. 

8.  Running should be my therapy more. 

9. I am very loosey-goosey when it comes to recipes.  I only follow them about 95% of the time. 

10.  Doing things for people is a really good thing to do. 

11. Doing things for yourself is also very good. 

12.  Forgiveness is powerful. 

13.  Having exciting future plans is sometimes the only thing that will get you through a rough day. 

14. Write notes to people in your life when you are unsure about your life. 

15.  Deep breaths are important. 

16. Treats are nice but sometimes no treats is nicer. 

17. Sleep is heaven.  Get sleep.  Always choose sleep. 

18. Sometimes you buck up and say yes.  And sometimes you be brave and say no. 

19.  Say hi.  Get it through your head, Elise!  Say hiiiiiiiiii. 

20. Take it one day at a time.  Only one day.  Full weeks would practically kill me. 

xo. Elise 

Library floor because, geology! 

The sky was killing it today.  

Miracle

Today was a day that I asked for a miracle.  A miracle that would solve my problems and leave me with a really great story to share with others about the goodness of God.

I didn't get a miracle today.  My parking situation wasn't magically fixed.  My throat still hurts.  I'm exhausted.  Homework is continuous.  I feel like there are so many things balancing my schedule right now, and I don't know if I want to do it anymore.

I don't have some awe-inspiring story to tell.  It's just a bunch of tender mercies that told me that God is in fact listening and is making my life ok, even if it wasn't miraculous in the way that I wanted.

1. My mom picked up the phone when I was worried about housing.
2. My sister asked if I was ok, even though I hadn't told her that I wasn't.
3. I was able to change meeting times with my peer mentor.
4. I got my cleaning check done.
5. The projector didn't work in my geology class so we got out early.
6. Meaning I had enough time to go to the rental place offices.
7. I got a 100% on my accounting quiz.
8. I don't feel nauseous anymore, just sore throaty.
9. My friend texted me and asked if I was ok.
10. The 'master planning' meeting went just fine.

Some may look at that list and tell me how many miracles God performed for me today.  Instead, I like looking at that list and seeing how many mercies God sent to me, not miracles.  He doesn't always save us in the middle of the storm and whisk us to dry land.  Sometimes He just calms the storm enough for you to catch your breath.

xo. Elise

Definition of Happiness

I was thinking about how last January, my life was completely different.  I was a high school senior, which seems so young now (hehe what a brat I am...you know, the college freshman who acts like she's so much older than everyone).  And now, I am a college freshman, with one whole semester of college under her belt.  Wow, that is what I call experienced.

Last year I did a whole year recap, which just sounds semi-exhausting, but I realized that I've lived through a lot of different definitions of happiness this year.  Part of me is just really surprised about how I was so happy in so many different situations in my life.  I feel like I've been such a different person this year, pendulums are real people.

Some definitions of happiness from this break:

Happiness is eating ten bowls of Grandma's homemade potato soup, stuff yourself silly with Eegees, and dye your tongue with the strawberry flavor, wearing bunchy bunch pants, with the heater on.

I'm sitting her with crispy cheeks that radiate the heat of today, reading a book of prose bout food and community, in a silent hotel room with my family lounging around, sandwiched between a soft mattress and a comforting comforter, too many Reese's minis in my belly, and a good dinner in my near future.

Some definitions from my semester of college:
Staying up way too late for class the next morning, talking and laughing with your roommate.  You analyze the boys in your life and laugh at your mutual ridiculousness.  You feel completely happy as you look around you room, with the giraffe and beautiful bedspread.

Walking down the sidewalk, on the way to the Creamery.  You gossip about the day's events, it's a random Tuesday and not really a special occasion.  You discuss the flavors that you're going to get and giggle helplessly at the Snapchats that inevitably happen.

You are walking back from you classes, right in front of the JFSB.  The sun is just barely setting so the whole square looks pink in reflection.  The mountains are sharp and dramatic in the distance.  Your light jacket is perfect for the October evening and philosophy class is done for the week.  You have text messages to reply to and a plan for dinner.

Some definitions from my senior year of high school:
You rush from class to class, turning in assignment after assignment.  You engage in interesting discussions, and you take a moment to ponder the things you've learned.  You feel overwhelmed with everything that needs to get done, yet things seem to work out.  You stand at the front of the classroom, enjoying the feeling of control.

You flit from one group to another, laughing and talking, but mostly feeling happy that you belong.  You have people who want to talk to you and you have people that make you laugh.  There are so many people who you try to be there for, and you finally feel like people are there for you.

You hear the news in the most exhilarating rush of emotion you've had in a while.  You grin through your tears and you feel the weight melt off.  You look heavenward and give your thanks as you receive the bone-crushing hugs and congratulations.  You can't stop smiling and you feel content with the work that was accomplished.

I've felt happy almost all year, and I'm just grateful to have had so many different experiences.

xo. Elise

Daily Grind

One of the weirdest parts about being at college is the fact that my parents aren't aware of every detail of my life.  I am so used to them knowing where I'm going to be, what I'm eating, what I need at the store, etc.  They knew what homework I had and when my big test was coming up.  When Anne lived at home, I knew intimately how she spent her day.  Now she's across the country, and I am updated through Instagram pictures and text messages.

So, if anybody wants to know that what has happened this past week, here we go.

1. I went on a date on Monday.  I went with a kid I attended a leadership conference with last April.  He's also in my biology class, and now it's pleasantly awkward whenever I see him.  (Three times a week, from 12 to 12:50).

2. I went and got ice cream with a friend.  Or was it a date?  In my dorm we chant the three P's (paid for, planned, and paired off) of dating, but sometimes it's hard to tell.

3. I did homework.

4. My roommates and I went onto campus yesterday for the Fall Festival.  Well, all of my roommates except for one.  She was on a date to the dollar movie.  After the rest of us got our free drinks at The Wall (Mormon bar), we went to the dollar movie too.  Yep, we kind of crashed their date.  I feel kind of badly about it now, but it was a pretty good show and we had nothing else to do.

5. I went grocery shopping.

6. I was extremely brave and went to volunteer at for the student-alumni program.  Who knows why it was so scary, but I was so nervous!  It turned out well, and I am no assigned to on the committee for a networking program.  So darn proud of myself for trying.  This college Elise girl is pretty cool.

7. Oh, and I had a FOL reunion today.  That was also interestingly awkward.  Fist pump for get-togethers you don't know all that well (see 1 & 2).

8. And now I have Stake Conference tonight.

Wow.  That was fascinating.  I should really do this more often.

xo. Elise

2013.

2013 has been the fastest year I have ever lived through.  "The days are long, the years are short" becomes more true as I get older.

I think back to last January, and instead of feeling like a shell of a person I am, I feel full.  The person I am now is really that shell all filled up.

2013 did have its challenges.  I lived a lot of my life in fear.  Oh, I was so terrified.  Absolutely terrified of failing.  Of not being smart enough.  Of not doing enough.  Of not completing everything. I was so scared.  I didn't act happy.  I looked inward a lot.  I was maxed out academically, but also emotionally.  I was living on a string, and I was worried about snapping.

And heaven forbid, the string frayed.  A slap in the face sent me reeling and I didn't know how to react.  A poor tournament record here...a bad essay score here...a running injury there...a funeral...rejection and a lost election to boot.  I wish I could say that I reacted like a queen.  I wish I could say that I brushed off the rejections and remembered my success and innate worth.  I wish I hadn't yelled and sobbed at something that I recognize now as being so petty.  I wish I could say that I cried a little less and helped others a little more.  But I can't.  I didn't do any of those more magnanimous things.  I was the one who sobbed, blamed others, asked why, and became a little angry.

It wasn't until August that I felt true internal peace.  Part of that were the results were in.  I had lived through my junior year just fine.  I passed with flying colors.  I didn't need to be scared anymore.  Part of that was being sick for a week.  A nasty virus that zapped my energy and left me with clogged ears and a runny nose.  I had nothing but time to sit and think.

And even though looking inward and being selfish isn't the way I want to live, I at least learned things.  Concentrating on yourself can teach you things.

I've learned that everything really will be fine.  The sun will continue to have the audacity to rise and set on your failures and your successes.  I learned that sometimes surprises come at the exact moment you need them, making it that much easier to believe in a God in Heaven.  I learned that although I'm getting older, it doesn't mean that the future is going to be worse than the past.  I learned that there isn't an expiration date for being awesome.  I recognized that I have no reason to be unhappy, no matter how many times I supply my pithy setbacks in life, like an offering on the excuse-to-be-unhappy alter.  I've realized that I really like myself. My little opinions and processes and systems and thoughts are beautiful.  I am pretty miraculous.  I hesitate to write that, at the risk of sounding narcissistic, but gee whiz, I'm awesome.  I've learned it's not a bad thing to like yourself.  Why would anyone else like you if you don't even tolerate yourself?

I am prepped and ready to rock 2014.  I am no longer scared.  I am no longer nervous about my worth.  I am no longer looking towards others, and comparing my worth.  This is a beautiful time to be alive, and people around me continually prove that to me.

I spent the first day of the year in the most perfect circumstances, you can't even imagine.  I didn't wear make-up.  I didn't change out of my pajamas.  I left the house only once to run a few errands with my family, and spent the whole time talking about goal with my mom.  I didn't run.  I didn't eat kale or 5 servings of fruit.  I probably broke every decent resolution there is.  And that day will stick in my memory.

This year, my word is change.  This is an action word, its definition is "to make or become different." My life is going to change this year.  High school is ending.  College is beginning.  I want to change how I eat.  I want to change how I talk.  I want to change how I react.  I want to change how I run.  I want to change how I talk to myself.  I want to change how I see things.

Change.

That went fast!

Ok....so I never finished my wrap-up of my 17th year.  I really only got to May.  So now it will be a 2013/17 year wrap-up.  Lucky you!  Plus, I'm trying to avoid cleaning my room because...you know.


1. I had the chance to go to Valley Forge at the end of April.  I went with the Freedom Foundation, and wow, that was a cool experience!  I had the chance to meet a lot of great people and interact with people from all over the country.  I also won an essay contest with my essay I wrote for it.  So that's cool.
2. I went to my last Girl's Camp...and last EFY.  I have such great memories of those experiences throughout the year and I am so lucky that I got to go with my mom to camp and my cousin to EFY.  I am so lucky to know what I do.
3. I went to Europe.  (Do an internal freak out.)  This was one of the highlights of my year...obviously. I went to 8 countries (France, Germany, England, Ireland, Luxembourg, Wales, and Belgium.)  I had amazing food.  I spent time with amazing people.  And I saw the most amazing things.  What a blessing.  Thanks to my aunt and uncle and parents who made that trip happen.  I also started another blog to record my adventures.
4. I went to a 2 week debate camp.  This was hard for me because I am a dramatic person and there was a lot of drama going on for me (right Mom and Dad?).  But I was humbled at this camp and that was good.  It was hard and boring and long, but I survived!  So happy that it's over and I took 3rd!
5. Anne was home for 10 days before she went to school.  And that was rad.  My sister is my best friend, and I thoroughly enjoyed every moment.  The shopping trips and PPP night stand out.
6. I started my senior year.  Wowzer.  That is a scary thought.  It has been a really good year so far.  One of those moments when it really is just plain good.  Even if it's not always fun.
7. I got my A.P. scores.  5's baby!  I am still in shock that I did that.  Wahoo!  Stress is over.
8. I went to Buckskin Gulch with my family and Arizona for Thanksgiving and Christmas.  All of these trips have been so much fun for me.  We are stellar travelers (really though, we are so so good) and it is always a treat to travel with people who like me a whole lot.
9. I was elected to be Homecoming Royalty, 2nd attendant.  It was nice to be on the winning side of an election.  I was honored to be a part of my school that day.  Go Bobcats!
10. My debate season has gone phenomenally well this year.   I have done well at all of the tournaments I've wanted to and I am so glad that the culmination of my debate career is ending nicely.

Whew, you probably know more than you've ever wanted to about me.  That was fun.

xo. Elise


P.S.  New Year's is one of my favorite holidays.  I wish you a great new year, but hold the cheese.  (Just go on Pinterest to see what I mean about the cheesiness.)

Hello, I don't know if there'll be snow.

Hello all!  It has been foreva!

I have some scary news: my birthday is this week!  That is terrifying? Because I am at the age where getting old isn't bad, just scary.  I've been thinking a lot about being 17, and I'm sad that it went by so quickly.  Being 17 is so great, and I don't know if I've enjoyed it enough.

However, this week is celebrating that I am still 17 and have a reason to twirl (paraphrased from Edenbrooke).

5 fantastic things from my year of being 17:
-I went to New York with the debate team. I learned a lot during that trip, and I still look back happy that I went.  It was a good feeling to no longer be afraid.
-I went 1-4 at State.  This was what seemed like a huge event for me...but I think it's only helped me.  I'm glad I had the experience of doing horribly at a tournament, not only to eat some humble pie, but also to realize that I have a great support group.  So many people were so nice to me and they really helped me feel better.
-The road trip my dad and I took.  This was amazing!  I reflect back on it a lot.  I was so completely stressed out it was kind of hilarious, but the places we went to were beautiful and the company was great.
-I spent the weekend with Anne.  I'm really lucky that I had this chance.  I am such good friends with my sister, and that weekend was so great.  I learned a lot about college life, and my respect for me sister grew.
-I became debate president. (And the book club president... and the Interact Club president).  I am learning so much from this experience, it's been really interesting.  It will be a relief to have the season be over, but I am going to miss the chance I have to grow.

Just a few things about the spring of 2013.

You know what's really the best?  Having 2 beautiful weeks full of nothing but goodness coming up.

h&g. Elise

Uno-Diez

1. This song.  Don't worry, I hopped on this band wagon in the spring, like everyone else, but still, all of these months later, it still gets to me.
2. The fall leaves are beautiful!  I mean gorgeous.  Kind of jaw-dropping.  "I'm so glad I live in world where there are Octobers." (Anne of Green Gables).
3. Hot fudge shake?  I'm down with that.
4. Bad news?  It was a shake kind of day.
5. I really have a whoooolllleee lot of homework to be doing right now.
6. At least I am recognizing when I need to take a step back and calm down.
7. Take that meanie face.  I'm over it.
8. It is blessedly a Tuesday.  (How's that for positive attitude!)
9. Wish I had time to go running today.
10.  I am 99.99% sure my outfit tomorrow contains tights.  This is exciting.  (Be excited!)

lyl. Elise

How you know.

How I know I'm a senior:
1. All of a sudden listening to "Long Live" by Taylor Swift makes me all sentimental and seniory and aww look at my class kind of thing!
2. We had Homecoming Week and I actually went to activities because it's my senior year.
3. I feel like I am in charge of more classes than I am student in.
4. The sophomores really are as immature as they seem.  And you have the sinking feeling that you were just as bad.
5. You are actually the one wearing a senior shirt.
6. Your class is always the loudest in all of the assemblies.
7. Your class is losing the attendance contest...per usual.
8. You are in the front row at football games and feel like you belong.
9. You're busy busy busy but not usually with school work.
10. You are elected to Homecoming Royalty, Second Attendant.

It's a strange world we live in.

xo. Elise

1-10

1. I've got Spring Fever.  Yep, completely different than this.  Spring fever involves dance parties, open windows, and color!
2. Remind me to not even get on the Forever 21 website to window shop for jewelry.  I will suddenly start wanting all sorts of stuff.
3. Am currently wearing red lipstick.  While I do my homework.  Just for fun.  #crazygirlobsessedwithhomework
4. I always feel hip when using hashtags.  Try to be hip whenever possible.
5.  I drive the speed limit because it's been my secret desire all of my life to lead a parade.
6.  ... Hopefully number five made sense.
7. Two words make a big difference in one's life.
8.  Especially when those two words are SPRING BREAK!
9. I wonder how much would go unsaid if people knew just how much pain they were causing to others.
10. Window shopping for fedoras.  Maybe it is like summer love.

xo. Elise

Told ya I was crazy.  Impersonating Snow White here.  That will soon change!  (Thank Heavens!)

Waiting Room

It's that time of year where I am waiting...

Waiting for this weekend to be over.
Waiting for me to stop freaking out.
Waiting for me to be able to wear my hair down.
Waiting to here from my cousin.
Waiting for me to feel ready.  (Yeah right.)
Waiting for me to...feel better.

Just waiting...waiting for what exactly?  Haven't figured that out yet.  It's like when you're waiting in the doctor's office, and you're nervous.  You never know what is going to happen, or whether you're going to have to get a shot or something worse than that.  Hmm, I don't really know what would be worse than a needle being jabbed into your nerve and sinew, but that's a personal opinion.  So yes.  Waiting...

Only consolation in my life right now.  Well played Village Inn.  Well played.  

xo. Elise 

A day in the life

6:11~ The alarm goes off.  I press snooze.
6:20~ The alarm goes off again...I press snooze...again.
6:29~ I finally get up.  I am so tired this morning, I do my eye shadow with my eyes closed.  No joke.  No one made clown jokes though...so I guess it turned out ok.  I get dressed and go downstairs to make my lunch.  Don't know what the deal is, but I am tired!
7:15~ I am out the door driving to school, listening to my depressed CD.  This is the CD I made when I was heartbroken over some silly boy.  hehe, Now I'm just to lazy to change it again.
7:30~ I get to school and try not to bite anyone's heads off.  Mostly successful.
7:45~ I'm in A.P. History class.  Listening to a lecture about the Great Depression.  In between notes I write my to-do list and start my identifications for this class.
8:50~ I go to A.P. English.  Today it is an in-class essay comparing five different poems.  My head hurts by the time I'm done and I have blue ink all up and down my palm (curse of being left-handed.)
10:05~Head to Seminary.  This is a release time where I go and have a class that is sponsored from my Church...basically like Sunday School...during school.  We learn about the Ten Virgins.  I write in my notebook about how I'm irritated with people.  (So sue me.)
11:20~ Lunch!  I bounce between classes passing off notecards, being grumpy, and doing test retakes.  You know, all in a day's work.
12:20~ Go to Spanish 1010.  Finish the tarea el timbre.  Do half-hearted group work.  Still kind of confused.
1:25~ Debate class! Get an idea for a carnival class, get fact sheets (ugh), and start researching.
2:35~ What time is it?  Summer time! Umm...I wish.  It's just the end of school.  I hang around, chatting with various people.
2:50~ Head to Acceleration, a work out at the hospital in training for track.
3:30~ Listen to people flirt/get angry at each other/ do the workout/ watch them waste time.  Some people :)
4:30~ I'm done!  Wahoo!
5:00~ Head home and take some beautiful pictures of the blue sky!  Blue peoples!
5:30~ Head out with my mom for Chinese food since my dad is flying in from Seattle tonight.  Yay!
6:30~ Look at blogs...start homework.
7:36~ Begin wasting time by um, well writing this.

And taking these.

Is any one else surprised at how much we do during the day?  Especially with school... I go from the Great Depression to William Wordsworth to Church to Mexico to Running.  Exhausting really.

P.S. I will tell you a little secret.  I kind of maybe, possibly like it.  

xo. Elise