Every day.

There would be many times I would be packing my laptop in my backpack, changing back into jeans, and throwing on a jacket, getting ready to leave the house.  I would look at my roommate and say one thing every day that scares me.  She would always reply that she was proud of me and we would kind of nod in solidarity for that one thing every day.

Do one thing every day that scares you.  -Eleanor Roosevelt

I don't know if I am braver than the average person or if I have a lot more fears than the average person, but I seem to reach this quota a lot more than I want to.

But I'm still scared a lot.  Yet I somehow keep making it through all of the scary things.  And I'm going to be honest, I'm really proud of that.

In the past week I've....
- Started studying for the LSAT
- Went strawberry picking (by myself)
- Went to a new ward by myself
- Sent an inquiry about publishing in a magazine
- Talked with a recruiter for a full-time position
- Bought a ticket to go to NYC
- Reached out to someone for a favor

These all seem like small things that don't require courage, but looking at the list I'm really proud of myself.  I'm feeling a little more trepidation these days, in a lot of areas of life.  But I'm really doing it.  I'm creating a life and working towards a better life, wherever that leads me.  And that's something worth doing every day.

xo. Elise

Planner

I usually bear my testimony every month, but this month I was terrified to get up there.  Terrified because I was going to get up there and vaguely talk about how I didn't really have faith.

Background.

I am a planner.  The plan every single hour kind of person.  The person who likes to know how many intervals she has to run before she starts. I like planning out what I'm doing next summer.  Before I went to college, I wrote down what I wanted to do each semester and each summer.

Since school started, I've been trying to make a plan.  I've been trying to listen to my Father and make decisions that will put me in the best position for my future.  Consulting?  Law school?  Non-profit work?  M.B.A.? M.P.A.?  Never finish school (ok, that's not a real option, but tempting with two midterms coming up this week).

And nothing is working.  I haven't gotten an answer for anything.  And it's frustrating and scary and similar to throwing up.

And I announced over the pulpit that I am kind of doubting Heavenly Father and His ability to come up with a plan that works for me.  Because from my perspective, nothing seems to be working.

But then I finished with the fact that He has proven me in the past.  He has come through for me in ways I can't describe and in moments when I needed Him most.  And I told my friends and my ward members that that was enough.  It's enough for me right now.  And I am so grateful for a God that has provided me with experiences in the past that have made this scary moment a little less scary.

A member of the bishopric came up later and told me that he had been thinking of my testimony all day.  He explained that he wasn't a planner, and he imagined it must be very scary for a planner and stressful (yup, it is). He then said to not stress and not worry, something I can't help but think is very easy for a non-planner to say.  Another girl came up to me and explained that God speaks in stories and things will work out.  Laura told me that she had a similar experience in her life, and that God had a big answer for her.

All of these things reminded me that even if my plan isn't working out so great, I have great people in my life.  Thanks Mom and Dad for all of those reminders that eternal perspective is important and that God is the best storyteller.

Cheers to writing a story, when the only ending you know is that everything is going to be ok.

x.o.  Elise

When it rains, it floods.

Do you want to know a secret?  I prayed for rain today.  I prayed that it would rain partly because I wanted to wear tights and partly because it was so much fun to run in the rain last year.

I was at mile four, and it was just pouring.  And I started crying because I realized that is exactly how God answers prayers.  I just ask for a little rain, not much, but just enough.

And then Heavenly Father blesses me with a rainstorm with rain just pouring and washing everything clean and beautiful.  He sends enough to flood out all of the negative stuff.  He lets it pour.

I am so grateful that a God like that exists.  I'm grateful for the chance to live with Him in my life.

And yes, this metaphor wasn't so great at mile 9 when I was soaking wet.

xo. Elise

Goal-setting and Current Status

I was thinking about my goals today.  The verbalized an the not so verbalized ones.  The ones I've thought about constantly and the ones that never seem to make it out of my mouth.  I got back from a run and hopped in the shower because I smelled like the outdoorsiest of the outdoors kid (you know, 5th grade boy back from recess smell?).

I started planning some new goals and routines I want to integrate back into my life.  And almost as quickly, I thought, nope, not right now.  This semester has been interesting for me because I have done more than survive, but not much more.  I've had a lot of fun, and it's been a good semester.  But a lot of my external goals have shifted.  I always thought I was the person who just had school together.  That was a foundation of mine, and yes it required work, but just enough.  Nope, not this semester.  This semester school was it.  It was the priority and it was all I could handle.

I'm not sure if it's the combination of my mental anxiety over school.  Or maybe it was the fact that I was working and balancing that with school.  Maybe it was because I am taking more difficult classes.  Maybe it's because I played more than I thought, or more than I should.  I don't really know. And to be honest, I don't really care.  I only have 4/6 classes to worry about left.  And after that, I'm home free for four months.

So, all of this is to say that sometimes goals shift and don't work out, but it's ok.  Because my goals that I thought were natural and foundational became more of a priority.  And that's ok.

xo. Elise

New Year

New Year's Eve is one of my favorite holidays because it is the perfect excuse to wipe away all of my mistakes and start again.  Anything I did the previous year doesn't matter anymore.  The cookies I ate, the rude things I said, the times I was silent all melt away in the past.  I love the fresh start when I can keep trying, trying, trying.  

And I realized today that that is how the Atonement is supposed to be.  I am supposed to use it up as a personal New Year's Eve every moment of every day.  Past Elise is supposed to be wiped clean, and the Atonement is supposed to fix the rest.  

That's something I want to work on understanding and applying.  

Cheers to 2016! 

xo. Elise 

Last Day of Teenagedom

Today is my last day as a teenager.  I don't think 13 year old Elise would have ever imagined this would be a thing.   20!  Does that seem ridiculously old to anyone else?  I can't quite wrap my mind around it.  Being 19 was a good year for me.  I feel like it was a year of preparation.  I could feel myself transitioning from being a teenager to being an adult.  In some ways that was really great.  I'm on that edge of being so excited to no longer be young and wishing I could stay the youngest forever.
Some cool things that happened during 2015: (side note: I absolutely love how my birthday and the new year are so close together.  I love it).

I had my first job this year, and I get a certain level of satisfaction every time I spend or save my own money.  Every time I pay rent, it's a little annoying because money is leaving, but there is something so satisfying about it as well.  I had an internship at a medical auditing company and had the chance to fly to Philadelphia by myself three times.  I stayed in a hotel by myself for the first time, and also ordered room service.  I hiked the Y for the first time, at midnight.  I did extremely well on a lot of projects and exams.  There are still some scores that I am really proud of because they showed a lot of effort on my part.  I lived at home all summer, which was really hard for me.  It felt like I was taking giant strides back, instead of growing forward.  I felt trapped with insecurities and bored with writing SQL.  But, I got to go on a lot of hikes with my parents.  I got to have a convenient canal in my backyard to run on.  I got to spend the 4th of July with Anne, and go to the lake.  I went to my first two concerts--Matt Kearney and Ingrid Michaelson.   I drove to Arizona and went on my first road trip with friends.  I moved myself out of my dorm.  I said goodbye to the rest of my friends, and I've learned saying goodbye takes some guts.  I made some really good friends, and I've learned to act like myself a little more.  When I think of some past interactions, I am proud.  I've stopped bending over backwards to get people to like me, and I've just gone with it.  I finished two more half marathons.  I read a lot of L.M. Montgomery.  I said goodbye to my childhood home and ward.  I took care of Anne over New Year's Eve...oh and helped when she had strep throat.  (note to self, cross nurse off of potential careers.  I'm horrible at it).   I wrote in my everyday journal more, but didn't do the best job of writing in other journals.  I realized that I really need to come up with a new way to push myself.  My goals were interesting this year.  I didn't have any that enthralled me.  I'm still thinking about what to do for next year.  This year was not one where I pushed myself, but I felt like everything else pushed me.  I read Better Than Before and Rising Strong, both books that got me thinking.  I wholeheartedly embraced being a questioner, and I am trying to do a better job of utilizing that part of my personality.  I worked hard in school this past semester.  I put in a lot of time, and for that I am really proud.  I spent more time with Anne than I have in a really long time. Anne and I took our first vacation together, by ourselves, which was really fun and interesting!  See what I mean?  There were so many things this year that pushed me and caused me to step up.   I awkwardly fell in love with a few of Sam Hunt's songs, realized I actually still liked One Direction, and listened to an embarrassing amount of Justin Bieber.  I said hello to a few old friends.  I learned to say no...or realized that I need to do a better job of saying no.  I made plans for a study abroad.  I began to schedule my day, hour by hour, minute by minute.  I did a better job of hosting parties and relaxing.  I stayed up later and got up earlier (I know, I know).  This was such a full year!  It didn't have the flashy appeal of 2014 (can we take a sec and appreciate 2014?).   But it was the type of year that feels good in your bones.

Sorry to have to 'summary' posts in a row, but I think recording stuff like this is really important.   At the very beginning of this year, when Anne was throwing up, and people were coming to look at our house, I remember being exhausted.  I felt that this was going to be a really good, but really hard year.  And I'm grateful that Heavenly Father taught me so many lessons in the way that I did.  I am so grateful for that.  I have really good feelings about this winter.  I feel good about my future plans and the future Elise.  It's going to be a good semester.

xo. Elise

Happy Birthday (and a no)

Today is my dad's birthday, and part of me really misses the days when I knew I was going to have a Killer Burger tonight, followed up with some deliciously rich chocolate cake.  We would all sing happy birthday, and I would give my dad a hug, feeling safe like I always do when I hug him.  We would have laughed and snitched a few of his favorite almond M&M's away from him, pretending that they are basically a health food.  I would look at his new piece of fishing equipment and try to figure out what it was used for.

Those were good days, and I miss the Elise that I was and that time in my life.

I also realized this today that there are some things that you just have to let go.  I didn't realize that perfectionism is still a thing for me.  In high school it meant that I was getting a hundred percent and taking first.  In college, it's much larger than that.  I want to be the perfect roommate, friend, student, disciple of Christ, hostess, group member.  I want to be clean, fit, healthy, gentle, kind, thoughtful.   I want to be the girl that is satisfied and that can somehow make it all work.

And I realized today that I'm not that girl.  I have some brilliant flashes, and those are the things I crave.  But it's just not realistic.  And that is ok.  And I want to do a better job of letting go of the guilt that comes with it.  I need to do a better job of acknowledging I can't do it all.  And I need to get used to saying no.  NO.  Revolutionary, isn't it?

So I'm saying no to guilt and to that pesky voice that tells me I can do it all.  Really just the voice that keeps telling me that I should be doing everything, in order to be anything.  Because that is a lie.  And I believe in honesty.

Anyway, thought process complete.

Happy Birthday, Dad.  So blessed to have you in my life!

xo. Elise

I LOVE this picture of my dad and me! 

Different

I was walking around campus tonight, looking at the beautiful fall colors.  I was thinking about my experience as a freshman and how exciting it was.  Everything seemed fun.  Every person was someone new to meet.  My independence thrilled me.

And now it's fall again and it seems a whole lot harder this time around.  Classes?  Harder.  Living situation?  Harder.  Pressure?  Harder.  Homework?  Harder.  Work?  Much harder because it wasn't even on my radar last year.

I came into this year (2015) feeling like it was going to be a really good and really hard year.   I look back to January and I don't think I've ever been more correct about anything in my life.  I can feel myself evolving and growing.  I feel infinitely older than my young nineteen years old self.  Every season seems to have pushed me.

But this human experience is worthwhile because I can feel that something is happening.  Something is brewing.  And in between then, I'm going to continue to write thank you notes to my professors who I can tell had a rough day.  I'm going to buy butter to replace the butter I used from my roommate so she can make banana bread.  I'm going to run two miles and be shocked this body of mine ever ran thirteen because wow it was difficult.

xo. Elise

College Round 2

I start school again on Monday, something I keep forgetting about.  I have been here for a week and a half and sitting in my bedroom feels normal.  I made it through NSO and successfully played the part.    I've already made a hilarious amount of mistakes and missteps in the various areas of my life i.e. driving to Target and Walmart to find a calculator that was actually in the BYU bookstore the whole time.  While participating in my first bidding war over a parking spot.  It's funny...I somehow feel like I made $130...instead of just having it sit in my bank account earning minimal interest.

I'm sitting in my cream chair that has followed me for the past few years.  I'm wearing the shirt and shorts I have all summer because creativity is zapped.  I went through and organized and cleaned my closet and life.  I worked a lot today, and somehow I think these next few weeks will probably make me feel the most crazy and the most alive I have for a really long time.  I'm reaching that point in my life where I am getting space from who I term "High School Elise," but I'm not sure how far off the mark I actually was when I was 17.  (I would say 18 too, but since I'm only 19 that sounds a little weird).

I'm excited to start round two again.  There is a part that is terrifying, and I sometimes catch myself dreaming of the dorm that was comfortable and the friends that I can't talk to anymore.  I'm getting more and more comfortable saying goodbye and there is something comforting about just letting it fall through my fingers.

I was reviewing my emails, and I just had a wash of gratitude.  God does live.  And He does love me. And He has been proving that to me since day 1.  I will continue to search for and forget the signs, but I will take this moment of clarity and run with it until April.

For the record, he was really sweaty and smelled like it.  But hey, Cosmo!  P.S.  My hair has been killing it for the past two days, but just you wait, tomorrow it will fall flat for Cute Sunday.  

xo. Elise 

Too Small

I never thought I would outgrow my goal system.  I guess I always thought, on some level, that I would have a 45 going on 46 list (even though as I type that it seems crazy and worn out).  But as I've gone throughout this year, I realized that my list of 19 things to complete before I was 20 is no longer serving me.  They have become a checklist, not a list to push myself.  They have become something to cross off, not something to revel in.  I am almost done with the list, and instead of feeling satisfaction at the new things I've learned, I feel relief.

And in some ways, it's scary because I don't know how else to evaluate myself.  The list of 16 things to do before I was 17 stemmed from a lot of pain and insecurity, and I began the pattern with a hope of developing myself.

I started this blog as a way to push myself out of my comfort zone.  I entered a photography contest.  I broke my record in the mile.  I've tried a new art form.  I ran a half marathon.  I took first in a debate tournament.  I got a hundred on a math test.  I beat my dad in a push-up contest.  I made a cake for an event.  I went to college.

I look past at these old goals and these old lists.  I did so many brave, hard things because of them.  And I'm so glad I did.

But this is my last year.  I am finishing these season on an even number at the beginning of a decade.  I am entering my infamous twenties.  And I want to give myself permission to find new ways to evaluate myself because I keep changing.  And only recently have I realized just how much I have changed.

xo. Elise

August 15th

Yesterday was August 15th, the day I deemed a holiday last year on my 18 going on 19 list.  At the beginning of the year, I put celebrate August 15th on my list of goals.  I had big plans about celebrating it, even though none of them were concrete.  As the year has progressed, and as my motivation decreased, I didn't have any great plans for yesterday.  I forgot it was my holiday until midmorning.  And the rest of the day felt like a secret party.

I didn't write down any goals or reflect on the past year.  I did go see a movie with my parents, stop by the farmer's market, see the progress on the house, and go on a seven mile run.  It was a basic Saturday, but as I settled into the movie theater with a handful of popcorn, it felt like a celebration.

I didn't even splurge on a dessert yesterday, and somehow not doing that and celebrating a holiday seem incongruous to me.  But I'm realizing that it's ok.  Leading a good life, full of celebration and parties is a great way to live.  But it doesn't always have to be loud.  And sometimes celebrating something is a small feeling deep inside you that sends a thrill down your spine.

My view of celebration has changed, and I'm ok with that.

xo. Elise

And another!

And today I ran another half marathon.

I am still in shock that I've actually done two, because one sometimes just sounds insane.  But I did it.  And I had so much fun.  Really, I actually had an amazing time on the course today.  I was shocked to find that because my last half marathon was full of stress and insecurity and uncertainty.  Running it the day I moved to college probably didn't help.

But this time around, I loved it.  Around mile 8 I was convinced I could run forever. Obviously not true because I can barely walk right now, but I was just so happy.  And it was perfect to be reminded of how much I actually really enjoy running.  It rained constantly throughout the whole race, but I kept thinking how lucky I was to be running in the beautiful green canyon with sheets of rain washing over me.

All throughout the race, when it got really difficult, I would pray for my dad and my sister.  It wasn't an elaborate prayer, but over and over again I prayed for them.  I prayed because my dad was trying to reach a goal, and Anne was running her first race.  And they did it.  And I am grateful that I got to experience this race and this hobby with them.

During the home stretch, I heard people cheering my name.  Looking up, I saw my mom and dad, screaming my name, just like they have for years at volleyball tournaments and track meets and award assemblies.  And I grinned.  Just grinned.  I hope I smiled the way I did when I was younger and full of swagger.  Because it was a treat to see them.

I am off to Lake Powell this week, and I am getting sentimental thinking of what I'm going to miss out on with this family of mine.  I'm excited for a vacation, but I've realized how blessed I am with this family of mine.

xo. Elise

Break

My word for this year is break.  

Break: to open suddenly especially because of pressure from inside.

Isn't that a great definition?  To open. 

However, all of these make my heart go patter, they are just that great:  

• interrupt (a continuity, sequence, or course)

• put an end to (a silence) by speaking or making contact.• make a pause in (a journey)• stop proceedings in order to have a pause or vacation• lessen the impact of (a fall)• stop oneself from being subject to (a habit).• put an end to (a tie in a game) by making a score.• make a rush or dash in a particular direction:• surpass (a record)• disconnect or interrupt • curve or drop on its way toward the batter.• rebound unpredictably•change direction on bouncing, due to spin.
Last year, my word was change.  And goodness, that was the best word I could have possibly chosen for myself. Things have changed in so many ways: debate ending, graduating high school, moving out, Anne moving to D.C., my parents moving.  Nothing is really the same.  Sometimes all of the goodbyes I've been saying makes me hallow inside.  One after another after another after...can I stop making friends with pre-mish?  K, thanks. 
I'm ending this year in awe of every blessing.  It's a relief to look past at this year and realize that I was happy.  And I had a beautiful year.  I'm shoving that foreboding joy away and reminding myself that I am blessed to be here right now, in this moment when the plates are spinning in a beautiful pattern.  I'm not going to wait for the crash, but instead going to enjoy the show. 
2015.  It's going to be good.  My goal for the year is to be simply happy.  Freedom is not unattainable.  I don't have to be chained. 
My goals this year aren't as specific as they usually are.  They are a little more open-ended, with a blank spot on my list.  
Good luck with everything.  Take a deep breath.  It's going to be good.  
xo. Elise 

Countdown

Only 25 minutes left of 2014, and hope is the only thing that is getting me through until midnight (....am I getting old?)

2014 has been so full of so many beautiful moments, and I can only thank my Heavenly Father again and again for what He blessed me with.

2015, though, man, it's going to be so good.  I don't even have that many great plans ahead.  I don't have any exciting trips, big accomplishments, or milestones to accomplish.

I still have one blank spot on my goal list that I'm chewing on (which is pretty much opposite of me every other New Year's).

But I've decided that it's good enough to be happy.  And I am really excited to be really happy.

Because I was really happy this year.  I'm good with that streak continuing.

s/o to my sister for our rebellious night (ok, that's what our matching shirts said anyway).

Also, s/o to our neighbors who keep freaking us out by setting off fireworks.  Happy New Year to you.

xo. Elise

18 Going on 19

It's so strange to think that I completed my third list #go# list. I remember the moment I wrote my first one.  It was during Sacrament Meeting, right after I didn't make the volleyball team that I wanted.  I was devastated since my identity had been snatched up right from underneath me.  And it was awful.  I was angry and started writing down every single thing I did that had nothing to do with volleyball.  And that is where the sixteen items came from.  And it felt good to see in black and white that I was a girl who was more than just a sport.  The gift of perspective has taught me that I have always been more than a simple game, trophy, record, grade, score, achievement, and award.  I am more than any number or talent.  And I am grateful that this silly, little list has helped me see that. 

I know some people don't really 'get' my obsession with lists.  Not going to lie, there have definitely been moments that I don't get them either.  I actually gave up on lists in October, and it is so freeing.  As time goes on, I'm learning that goals and lists aren't everything.  Sometimes it's ok to drop it all.  But I want to continue with this list.  I love New Year's with a very healthy obsession, and I want this year's list to be full of beautiful things that I truly love.  I want to use this list to accomplish things that make my heart sing.  I have a really really good feeling about 2015.  

My birthday is in three days (3!).  It's funny, I didn't want to turn 18 last year.  It seemed too old and too scary for me to handle.  Yet here I am, feeling completely ready to be 19.  I can handle it.  Turning 18 was such a beautiful experience.  My senior year really was going perfectly.  My mom threw me the best surprise party.  I was accomplishing a lot and really loving it.  

Now I'm turning 19 with a great life.  I get along with my roommates, I love my college, and I'm close with my family.  I've developed a fun friend group.  I'm feeling hopeful.  

Recap of my 18go19 list: 

Go to college. (This was so hard but so good in the best way possible). 

Graduate high school. (One of the few days that I remember as being so absolutely perfect.  A celebration of a phase that was so good for me.)

Make a new dessert. (I can't even remember what the first one was, but I've tried so many this year!  From French macaroons, custard ice cream, peanut butter bars, berry crisp, etc).

Try swimming (This was pretty much a fail, but I tried it, even if it was hard).

Run a 1/2 marathon (or 10k) (Wow, I actually did this! One of the few things that kept me sane during the summer (or maybe it kept me insane).  This was so hard but crossing the finish lines is still one of the most rewarding things I've done.  I finished the race, had breakfast, and proceeded to move out later that afternoon.  Take about crazy).

Do yoga. (hehe, done the day before the half marathon.  I actually really liked it, but I haven't done it since). 

Make gelato. (Booyah, strawberry gelato.  Check).

Create a holiday. (August 15th--saying goodbye to summer.  A school year New Year's Eve.)

Try a new art form. (Counting coloring with crayons for my December Advent.  I also am counting all of the cooking I've done and decorating my dorm).

Read a biography. (Boys in a Boat.  Fascinating read, I really learned a lot).

Organize room. (Counting setting up my room at BYU and leaving my room at home). 

Start a tradition. (Make banana bread on the first snowfall of the year). 

Create a time capsule. (Wrote it down and put it in the little envelope in my high school journal).

Try a new ice cream flavor. (Actually made it a goal to try all of the flavors at the BYU Creamery so I am definitely accomplishing that goal). 

Dance in public. (The Sweetheart's Dance I danced my heart out and loved it, p.s.)

Create a hidden sanctuary. (Balcony at the JFSB.  Actually that whole building.  I kind of love it.  Also, the bench across the street from it with the old bell). 

Listen to someone. (Really tried to do that this year).

Do that thing that terrifies you. (I did a lot of these this year.  Sterling Scholar.  We the People. A.P. tests.  Debate state.  Graduation.  Half marathon.  Move to college.  Volunteer with Student Alumni.  Take finals. Go to class.  I mostly put this on my list to remind myself to do the hard things.  It's easier for me to do that thing that scares me when I know I can cross it off my list).  

My heart is so full tonight.  I had the best time talking to my sister and almost cried when I saw how much she loved her students and how much they loved her.  My parents are the sweetest.  Life is just so good.  And I am going to continue to relish in this for as long as I can.  

xo. 

Elise 

Origins

This whole blog started because I had a list of goals.  16 things to do before I turned 17.

I have continued that, and today I crossed one off today.

It was the first snowfall, amazingly enough everyone let me know that through every single social media platform possible.  Got it.

Anyway, I was trudging home today and knew I had two gross-o bananas that I needed to use.  So I decided to cross off #12 from list today of my 18 going on 19 list.

I decided to make banana bread every year on the day of the first snow fall.

And so I did. (check)

xo. Elise

I should note, that this is NOT what the weather looked like today.  But it's a pretty shot, so I would get over your accuracy issue.  

Other People

Going to college is funny, especially one that is so non-diverse.  I live in a building with a couple hundred (mostly) white Mormon girls.

All of the boys I talk to are (mostly) white Mormon boys.

It's funny being in an environment like this because all of a sudden, everything is so comparable...no compete-able.  I have lived in Utah for nine years now.  I'm used to being surrounded by Mormons.  I'm used to knowing that winning a student council election, playing the piano fantastically, and overall being a good kid is a lot harder because of all of the good kids I'm surrounded by.

However, BYU takes it to a whole new level.

All of sudden every single things is comparable.  Freshman live in the same place, are taking the similar classes, go to the same church.  I hate the walk to church because I always feel like it's a bunch of girls that got all dressed up and are parading around.

And I'm tired of it.  I'm tired of constantly trying to win.  I did that all through high school.  All through my life.  I had to be the perfect, A-grade getting, exceeding people's expectations on every single essay, debate tournament, and test.  It's exhausting.

I like to call myself a recovering perfectionist.

And my mom shared this podcast with me that I listened to this morning and that I will listen to again tomorrow.  It's a, listen to this once to hear it and twice to understand it type of podcast.

 It is all about comparing with other people and not caring about what they say.  It was fascinating.

And I'm putting it into practice right now.

I am pushing away the 'I'm not fun/cute/pretty/smart/thin/bubbly/spiritual enough shame.  I'm shoving that into a corner so I can see it squished next to my laundry hamper (face it, in a dorm room, there aren't a lot of alternatives).  I can see it every time I am feeling insecure and remember that I did conquer that fear.

I don't care about what people think of me because I am giving them permission to hate me.  I am giving them permission to really not like me.  I am giving people permission to criticize me.

Because there is absolutely nothing I can do to change it.  And let me tell you, even the thought is making me feel a little more free.

xo. Elise

Fist Bump

The life I'm leading is sometimes incredibly hard.  Yesterday?  Yesterday was hard.  It really was.

Today though, my mind seems to be firing in fifty million directions.

I went for a run today.  Six miles.  Six miles never felt that good at home.  I am so grateful that I have been able to run while I'm here.  I really am a runner.  I am a runner.  I am the one who gets up early and who puts her shoes on, even when she doesn't want to.  I am the one who comes home sweaty and smelly and a little achy because I am a runner.  My feet hurt and I have blisters, but I'm pretty happy when I come home.

I've been reading in 1st Nephi lately, for my religion class.  I was a little bummed I had to start the Book of Mormon all over again since I was halfway through it.  Even though I've finished it a lot, I still feel like I've read the first half more than the second half.

But, today I am grateful that I get to start all over again.  The story of Nephi's family is resonating with me even more this time around.  You always have the primary lesson when they ask you if you would pack up everything and leave, just like Lehi and his family did.  I'm at a point in my life when I did pack up.  I did leave.

I read today how Ishmael died, and his family wanted to go back to Jerusalem.  I've never realized the significance of that.  Sometimes I seem to identify more with Laban, Lemuel, and the whining sons and daughters of Ishmael than I do with Nephi.  I get it.  It wouldn't be fun camping for years on end, following your younger brother.  It wouldn't be easy to bury your father in the desert, all the while dreaming of your comfortable bed, beautiful surroundings, and friends you left behind.

As I create my new life here, I get it.  The daughters of Ishmael wanted to go back to Jerusalem.  Hindsight tells us that Jerusalem was destroyed.  They would have died.  It would have been a regression, not a progression.

But today (and some other days)?  I get what it feels like to want to go back home.  Even if that home would have stunted my growth.  Even if it would have been regression, not progression.

I had hope today as I related to those girls who were really just homesick and probably wanted a shower.

Fist bumps for not going back to Jerusalem and being destroyed.

xo. Elise

Tomorrow

One of my favorite aspects of my life is how there is a tomorrow.  For all of my life, I will always have a tomorrow.  I can always get up and try again.  I can set new goals.  I can do new things.  I don't have to sit and be stagnant.  I can keep trying.

I am almost done with my second week of college.  And I am so excited.  I realized a little while ago that I have never set long-term goals.  To those that know and love me, they may be a little surprised to hear that.  I am the queen of goals.  I wrote a sixty-four item bucket list for my summer.  And I did every single goal on there.  I have done resolutions for years, and started writing in my journal when I was ten because I set a goal.  I've written in it ever since.  I have lists each year of eighteen things I want to do before I'm nineteen.  I am good at goals.

However, I've never thought five years done the road.  Or ten years.  Or even two years.  I'm planning on majoring in business (by the way, when should I start saying that I am majoring in business, not just planning on it?  When I get in the program?), yet when people ask me what I want to do with that, I sometimes draw a blank.

So I'm excited.  I've been trying to surround myself with uplifting messages.  I'm the girl who reads self-help books, has started listening to inspiring podcasts, remembers the quotes, and pins them all over my room so I can remember.

I am surrounding myself with things that allow me to be successful.  And one of these days, sometimes soon, probably on a Tuesday or Thursday when I don't have class until two, I will write down all of my goals.  I will think about who I truly want to be and how I'm going to achieve that.

And I am so excited because if there is one thing that I absolutely adore, it's writing goals.  And thinking of the possibilities.  And of tomorrow.

xo. Elise

Beginnings

Sometimes this whole college thing is really difficult.  You feel awkward as a freshman, and you wonder around the library hoping that where you're going is ok.  Even though you know it won't actually happen, you're worried you will approach a door that says, 'No Freshman Allowed' and have to awkwardly slink back to another uncomfortable chair.

Today, I attended the inauguration of a new BYU president.  It makes me happy to think that the new president is a freshman too.  He's trying to figure it out, and part of him is probably worrying about seeing signs places that are closed to him, or maybe so ingrained in routine that he can't touch them.

(Fun side note: The entire First Presidency was there and so were a few other apostles from the Church. Amazing).

The new president talked about going to the mountains, trying to excel, and pushing forward to new areas-a very apt address for this time in my life.

So yes, sometimes beginnings are yucky.  They are painful, uncomfortable, tear-jerking, and depressing.

Yet, they are also beautiful in a stark, fresh way, that it makes me smile.  I am truly having a new beginning, something I remember longing for in high school and middle school.  New faces, new rooms, a new school.  Everything is new.

And I am so profoundly lucky to be experiencing one right now and to make Elise Irene Clark whoever she wants to be.

xo. Elise