2013.

2013 has been the fastest year I have ever lived through.  "The days are long, the years are short" becomes more true as I get older.

I think back to last January, and instead of feeling like a shell of a person I am, I feel full.  The person I am now is really that shell all filled up.

2013 did have its challenges.  I lived a lot of my life in fear.  Oh, I was so terrified.  Absolutely terrified of failing.  Of not being smart enough.  Of not doing enough.  Of not completing everything. I was so scared.  I didn't act happy.  I looked inward a lot.  I was maxed out academically, but also emotionally.  I was living on a string, and I was worried about snapping.

And heaven forbid, the string frayed.  A slap in the face sent me reeling and I didn't know how to react.  A poor tournament record here...a bad essay score here...a running injury there...a funeral...rejection and a lost election to boot.  I wish I could say that I reacted like a queen.  I wish I could say that I brushed off the rejections and remembered my success and innate worth.  I wish I hadn't yelled and sobbed at something that I recognize now as being so petty.  I wish I could say that I cried a little less and helped others a little more.  But I can't.  I didn't do any of those more magnanimous things.  I was the one who sobbed, blamed others, asked why, and became a little angry.

It wasn't until August that I felt true internal peace.  Part of that were the results were in.  I had lived through my junior year just fine.  I passed with flying colors.  I didn't need to be scared anymore.  Part of that was being sick for a week.  A nasty virus that zapped my energy and left me with clogged ears and a runny nose.  I had nothing but time to sit and think.

And even though looking inward and being selfish isn't the way I want to live, I at least learned things.  Concentrating on yourself can teach you things.

I've learned that everything really will be fine.  The sun will continue to have the audacity to rise and set on your failures and your successes.  I learned that sometimes surprises come at the exact moment you need them, making it that much easier to believe in a God in Heaven.  I learned that although I'm getting older, it doesn't mean that the future is going to be worse than the past.  I learned that there isn't an expiration date for being awesome.  I recognized that I have no reason to be unhappy, no matter how many times I supply my pithy setbacks in life, like an offering on the excuse-to-be-unhappy alter.  I've realized that I really like myself. My little opinions and processes and systems and thoughts are beautiful.  I am pretty miraculous.  I hesitate to write that, at the risk of sounding narcissistic, but gee whiz, I'm awesome.  I've learned it's not a bad thing to like yourself.  Why would anyone else like you if you don't even tolerate yourself?

I am prepped and ready to rock 2014.  I am no longer scared.  I am no longer nervous about my worth.  I am no longer looking towards others, and comparing my worth.  This is a beautiful time to be alive, and people around me continually prove that to me.

I spent the first day of the year in the most perfect circumstances, you can't even imagine.  I didn't wear make-up.  I didn't change out of my pajamas.  I left the house only once to run a few errands with my family, and spent the whole time talking about goal with my mom.  I didn't run.  I didn't eat kale or 5 servings of fruit.  I probably broke every decent resolution there is.  And that day will stick in my memory.

This year, my word is change.  This is an action word, its definition is "to make or become different." My life is going to change this year.  High school is ending.  College is beginning.  I want to change how I eat.  I want to change how I talk.  I want to change how I react.  I want to change how I run.  I want to change how I talk to myself.  I want to change how I see things.

Change.