Harness Your Awesome

The past year, I have looked at those in my classes and am fascinated with what seems like their innate confidence.  They stride into class, info session, and recruiting session like they don't have a care in the world.  They know they belong and they know that they are worthy to be there.  I'm not sure if it's their work experience, their grades, or maybe lifelong confidence?  Trust me, if I knew the secret, I would have broadcasted it to the world.

I've found myself almost slinking into recruiting events.  Not committing to really going, but hey, I'll figure out how to print my resume at the last minute and head over just in case.  I find myself, figuratively and literally, standing on the sidelines as an observer.  Because I can't seem to reconcile that I belong in the center of the room, handing my resumes out like everyone would want to see them.

I was recently talking with a friend about a mutual friend of ours, who has so many great attributes, yet continues to hide behind a goofy facade.  My friend said she wishes they would just harness their awesome.

That comment made me stop in my tracks.  Harness your awesome.

I am heading into this school year with a lot of trepidation.  And by a lot, I mean A LOT.  For a whole slew of personal, academic, and professional reasons.  I'm scared most days and worried the other days.   I keep getting emails that seem more like bombs waiting to go off in my inbox (<-- which btw seems like a step in adulthood I didn't know I needed to reach).

It's strange to be home, surrounded by who I used to be.  The girl who could fit into certain pencil skirts and would waltz into any situation with a laugh.  Actually, that's not true either.  The girl I used to be two, three, five, ten years ago was scared too.  She was just scared about different things.  And in the whirl of memories and dusty trophies, it's so very easy for me to forget that.

I sometimes think this insecurity and fear is a recent thing.  Old Elise would never hesitate or be scared or fearful for her future.  But when I think back to that elevator in St. George when I got a recruitment email about college, yep, I was terrified about making the wrong decision.  Old Elise did hesitate.  And she was scared.

When reconciling everything, past and present and future, I have to remember what really matters and what is really inherent.  And one thing that I continually do is show up where I need to.  I keep doing things that scare me.  Whether that's walking away from volleyball, toxic friendships, or debate titles.  I've applied for things that I 100% know I'm not qualified for, yet here I am.

And this year, when I enter interviews, recruiting sessions, and whatever else I find myself saying yes to, I'm going to remember that.  And I need to harness my awesome this year.