Transient

I was looking in the mirror today, and the longer layers of my hair were behind my shoulders, and I had the flash thought of, "oh I wonder if I would like short hair.  Maybe I should cut it." 

It was just strange to have a thought come of something I used to be scared of, but that I actually did.  I did cut my hair.  I did have shortish hair.  I used to be scared of it. 

I caught up with a friend tonight, a friend that feels like she was from another era.  We are still good friends, but it is different now, in a way that happens when life happens, and crap happens, but somehow you find your way through it and you're still friends. 

I have felt like bearing my soul to anybody these days--the thirst to be talk things out is difficult to quench, especially when I am paid to analyze. 

I vacillate whether my life is good enough as is, or whether I should be trying and pushing harder.  I somehow keep supposing everything will change in the fall.  The internal school bell is hard to silence.  I can't even decide if I want everything to change, or if this seemingly eternal in-between is a safe spot to land. 

Being complacent is my fear at 11:30 at night, but at 2:37 pm, I am quite content to just glide.  This sometimes concerns me, but I am always supposing that there is tomorrow.  FYI, tomorrow I would ride the train, not drink Diet Coke, have a salad, don't snack at work, don't look at a screen all day, and run four miles without walking.  Tomorrow is obviously going to be productive, and dare I say, perfect.

Pushing all of this aside, I am getting a certain amount of satisfaction from working through a math problem and having someone check my math and say, yep, that's right.  I enjoyed having a couple of high stress points this week that give me that old zing of doing something. 

I hesitate to label this time of life as anything because everything seems to transitory and fragile and not REAL enough.  I dread feeling like I am in limbo forever, yet declaring a permanence seems disjointed.  I hate to idle, but man, it is a cushy spot these days. 

Don't mind me, just chilling in the slow lane (albeit uncomfortably, but hey, I'm trying). 

xo. Elise