Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Grief

Today might have been a day that I would have talked about the cute boy totally flirting with me at the Creamery.  Or about how much I love my new sweater.  Or how stressful tests are and how hard college is and why can't it just slow down.

But instead I am grieving.  My heart is heavy and I'm melancholy.  I heard about a tragedy back home that breaks my heart.  Not because I knew the victim, we only exchanged a brief conversation once over the summer, but because of the pain of those that did know and love her.

I'm not crying because of me, I'm crying because of the pain that seems to grimace so big that the whole globe is swallowed inside of it.  I'm crying because of the mother pain that I can't even comprehend, but I can imagine in a tiny glimpse.  I'm crying because sometimes unfair things happen and tragedies strike.  And not in a way that makes any sense in any situation on any given day.  So often in life we try to explain it away...."this hard thing happened for a reason," or "I know that there has to be a good explanation for every thing."

I understand that God has a plan and a knowledge much greater than I will ever pretend to know.  But I also know that sometimes awful, terrible, horrific things happen just because.  Sometimes worlds fall apart and shatter.  Sometimes the shards are so sharp they cut you before you even attempt to put your life back together.

So I'm sorry.  I am sorry for those everyone feeling pain.  I am sorry for those experiencing grief.  I'm sorry for not understanding and I'm so so sorry you have to wake up every day with a new reality.  I'm sorry for other people's actions.  I'm sorry for the people that just dismiss it or don't understand.  I'm sorry for even trying to be someone who offers condolences, since I feel 100% inadequate for saying a word.

But I do know that Christ knows.  I do know that Christ can feel it.  It is so much easier to imagine Christ understands the feelings of rejection or loneliness.  Those are feelings that even mortals can empathize with.  But the pure miracle of the Atonement is that Christ felt those hard emotions.  Those emotions that I look at and wonder how on earth anyone could ever understand.  Those feelings that I can't even wrap my mind around.  Christ does.  Christ is sobbing with you as He remembers the pain He felt.  Christ is holding you as ask why, over and over again.  And I believe that Heavenly Father is weeping for His Children that are feeling so much pain.

And that's why my new sweater or stressful homework doesn't matter.  That's why fostering a relationship in which you can sob in is so important.  That's why being there for people is so critical.  That's why the first commandment is to love God and the second commandment is to love others.  Because when balloons of grief swell too big, you need someone to be there to huddle behind it with you.  You need God holding you on one side and everyone else cradling you on the other.

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