I just finished filling up the water tank for the toilet so I could actually flush it, and then realized that I am actually in Africa. Like Africa, Africa.
It looks exactly like it does in the movies. Startlingly so, in some ways. Everything is new to me, but it's honestly not because I feel like I have seen some version of it in whatever movie or TV show. Strange, isn't it? There are many moments that are weird. I started typing on a computer today, and the doctor commented on how fast of a typist I was. He asked if I had formal training, and it took me a minute to remember when I had actually learned to type. I know I wasn't born with a computer in my hand, but gosh, I had forgotten all about the home key situation and the hours of typing in various computer classes.
Another doctor was just staring at my legs and asked Lanyero if those were the actual color of my legs (why he didn't ask me when I was standing right there?). In any case, I was wearing nude-colored tights, and so it wasn't quite the color of my legs, but still. The kids in the school we visited yesterday couldn't stop touching me--they just seemed to want to feel my skin. I am sure they were shocked to feel my nylon-covered legs, thinking that's what all white people feel like?
Someone asked us today if our machine was made in the U.S. and then turned to me and asked if I was made in the U.S. Yep, born and bred.
Most of the hospitals we go to are quite nice, but today we went to a poorer one, and I saw a lizard fall to the ground from the ceiling. I suddenly had Parent Trap visions of a lizard falling on my head. Couple that with nightly visits from Stuart Little and I'm a hot mess.
Yesterday Lanyero asked I wanted to do scripture study together. I said sure, and promptly forgot about it. She woke me up at 5:21 am this morning asking I wanted to study. Since I couldn't fall asleep until 1:00 am and woke up on the hour, every hour, to shine my flashlight, lest Stuart Little got too comfortable, I explained I had a hard time falling asleep. I don't do well being wakened too early unexpectedly, so I felt a little badly, but overall went right back to sleep.
Yesterday I felt like we were making progress and things were going well. The distributors seemed excited and willing to work with us. We visited a school, and the kids were just darling. I finally felt a little more settled into a routine, and I started feeling that maybe I can make this whole thing work (not that I really have an option, but I am literally dreaming of the airplane bathroom where I can actually wash my hands).
Ugh, and then today was just awful. Every appointment we went to, the person was out of town or sick or gone. Why are so many people out of the country? We have a hard deadline coming up next week, and I am getting nervous that absolutely nothing will be accomplished for it. Add onto that bad wifi where I can't load anything for our projects, and I am decidedly frustrated. We were so close to getting a letter we needed, and then the medical director refused. The doctor we had been working with was so frustrated because he really wanted our machine. I could have cried, I was so disappointed. I am so used to dispensing with business with a couple of emails, and that's that. And here I am not even the one who could be sending the emails. My grant for this trip was also rejected, so today has been a rough one from 5:21 am.
To be frank, there are many aspects of this trip that are hard and I'm not sure if I would keep going with it after what I've learned. That sounds awful and ungrateful, and I understand that. But man, it's hard to be here. It's lonely. I am still not really adjusted to the time zone (even though I know I should be). I am the only one looking out for myself on what is safe to eat, how to take care of myself when there isn't really a trash can or a sink, and I am constantly navigating cultural differences. I slather myself with sunscreen and bug spray everyday, but there isn't actually a mirror here. I catch glimpses of myself in the car window or in small mirrors here and there, and I am always surprised with what I look like. Part of me thinks I look better than expected, and the other part of me longs to just put on makeup in a mirror. The women here are stunning, and I always feel like an underdressed hoodlum.
Oh, and let's talk about the food. I realized that I never feel bad, so to speak, but I never feel good. I am always slightly uneasy, and I feel guilty when I can't finish what they put in front of me. The charcoal stove (or maybe it's just gas?) is in the kitchen, and I am convinced my lungs will be permanently ruined after the three months of people's heavy smoking in Spain and the two weeks of lack of ventilation in Uganda.
I still get scared when I think about how much is left here. It's scary! I am not sure how to explain it, but it's intimidating. The more I travel, the more I ironically feel like a homebody. I am realizing that it is good I did this now. I know that I wanted to come here to see what it would be like. I have wanted to work in development for so long, but now that I am here, I am realizing it's not what I want. I don't think I could have learned that for all of my excellent classes, and I am really grateful that I am not using vacation days right now. I feel entitled to say that, and maybe it's just because I am not passionate about the project, but I am not sure that I could do this. Some people just fall in love with it, and I thought I would be one of those people. But I'm just not. I know that there are a lot of factors going into this trip, but it is one more thing I'm crossing off my list.
One thing that is absolutely freeing is that people are content here. They are truly content! Even though people have lived in other countries with all of the amenities, they would rather live here. This was a rather heartening discovery for me, and I have felt myself become a little bit more free. I have felt a shadow of guilt for so long, that it's a little strange to feel that lift. I am realizing that I can be content in my life because other people are content. I don't say happy because people always say that. Oh, they had nothing and they were still happy! When I came here, I realized it's not just that they are happy, but they are ok with how their life is. And that's when I realized that home is a powerful principle. Home is always going to be home. Maybe not everyone feels this deeply, but for a lot of people, no where in the world is as great as home.
I graduate college in two weeks. A part of me is still kind of sad that I gave up my last semester. Ugh, I can't think about it too much or I panic when I think how college is actually done. However, these past three months have been so fascinating to live through. I am realizing that I unknowingly have been putting myself in situations where I need Heavenly Father. Like, need Him to get through the day. I also realized that this Uganda trip concludes the last of things I wanted to do in college. I really did everything I ever really dreamed of. How incredible is that? I didn't just do everything I needed or wanted, but everything I dreamed of I had the opportunity to do.
Thanks for reading all of this. I don't have a ton of conversations these days, so long blog posts it is! I would attach a picture, but the wifi situation is something I have no comment on or else I will lose it.
xo. Elise
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