17 Year Old Testimony

I was looking at a picture of Christ today, the one that is in every church building and seminary room.  I remember looking at that picture when I was younger, just examining it.  I wanted to communicate with God.  I wanted to understand my Savior's role in my life.  I wanted to feel peace and less stress, and I wanted to know. 

I was reflecting on how far my testimony has come since I was 17, sitting in seminary wondering if everyone else knew, when I just believed.  I wish I could give myself more grace at the time.  I thought I was so old, and I felt like my testimony had to be so perfect.  Surely, after all of the effort I had put into it, it should be correct?  It should be solid, unchanging and constant?  Instead, I've learned that is Christ's role in my life.   He is a foundation I keep falling to. 

I don't know how I can continue to know my Savior better when I believe He is constant and unchanging.  I think it is more to do with me learning to trust Him, again.  And again.  And again.  He is constant, but I learn how to have better faith. 

I have been rereading journal entries from Africa today.  It seems silly to still be unpacking from a trip I took in April, yet I still find myself mentally shifting through what was left.  I remember how close Heavenly Father felt during those two weeks.  I felt like I was living from tender mercy to tender mercy, and mostly grateful when a prayer was answered in the form of a stick of gum or a flushing toilet. 

Heavenly Father is there for me.  My Savior has been a constant in my life.  I am working on better understanding the Holy Ghost.  Life has been feeling like a treadmill, hard and inevitable.  When I think back to 17 year old Elise, I feel hope.  Things will get better.  I will understand my relationship with God better.  And that helps with all of it.