I got an essay assignment today that is so similar to an A.P. English essay I am cringing on the inside from the insecurity flashbacks and slightly bored attitude because that really was junior year.
I started the morning thinking I was going grocery shopping and then decided not to because I didn't want to lose my parking spot (long story, don't ask) and felt unsettled about it.
Went on an emergency DQ run last night because of boy problems. No, not my boy problems. My roommate found out some disappointing news and we decided a blizzard was in order. Apple pie blizzard. Try it, I would almost describe it as heavenly.
And now for the real reason that I am feeling jumbled.
My old high school debate team has their first tournament today. I have been going on and off these past few weeks about debate. Some moments I am so eternally grateful that I am done. Done and ended on a good note. Done and don't have to worry about it anymore. Done and escaped by the skin of my teeth before I got hurt again or had to work hard.
And so moments I miss it in a really weird, bizarre way.
Come to think of it, I wore this blazer and shirt the day of my last tournament. (This is also the combo I wore to the Huntsman Scholar luncheon and the day I visited BYU...but details.)
Not going to lie, I really miss myself. Sometimes I'm taking notes and I do an abbreviation that I used to do for flowing debate. And I miss it.
In some ways I hate that I'm even writing about this because it was just a dumb high school team for debate, which makes me feel even dumber because...debate.
But at the end of the day, I really do miss it. And I really do wish that I could go back some days. And at the end of the day, I miss that comfortable spot I used to call mine.
I washed my sheets today and I was remaking my bed. I almost started crying when I realized that the last time my mom helped me. I also thought about how my mom used to ask me to help her remake her bed. It made me sad I'm not going to do that anymore. It's not really the chores I miss, but the very act of doing them that I miss, with my mom.
Almost started crying today in Writing because of everything I was missing. My mom. My dad. My sister. Myself.
So we are going to get through today. We are going to get through this little rough patch in the grieving cycle when I miss myself and my old life enough that it feels like I can never swallow hard enough to keep it in.
On that note, going to go treat myself to a smoothie.
Have a great weekend.
xo. Elise
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