Playing Catch

I'm wearing the five dollar leggings and blue sweatshirt that I have worn too many times to count.  Little did I know, way back in early December that when I bought the blue sweatshirt for two dollars, I would wear it out, because most days it's all I really want to wear.

I am starting finals week.  Tomorrow, technically, even though it doesn't officially start until Friday.  I have a final on Monday, Wednesday, two on Friday, Saturday, and Monday.

That just sounds exhausting, doesn't it?

And part of me is terrified.  These tests, they scare me.  They make me shake and make me want to cry.  The Stats guy from yesterday, when he helpfully, incredulously, asked if I was good enough to get into the Strategy program did not help.  Thanks, it really makes me feel confident in my abilities when you almost accuse me of thinking I'm good enough to get into a program that only accepts 50 students per year.

Deep breath.

This week is fraught with nervousness and annoying aspects.  I am still expected to cook for myself.  I still have to do dishes.  I'm trying to decide when running will happen.  I am trying to savor these next two weeks.  And I'm trying not to panic about the looming future.

And I guess it written somewhere that I'm scared.  And I want it written down that I'm sad, when I think of this year ending.  And I want it known that the future scares me and makes me nervous.

But, like I said in my testimony today, I also want my Heavenly Father to know that I am going to rely on trust.  I am going to put my faith in Him.  Even though, at this point, the very selfish, very tiny, tired part of me feels like yelling up there....um, what's happening?  Do you know what you're doing?  Do you have a plan for all of this uncertainty?  Is everything happening the way it's supposed to?

And please, don't tell me that I have everything planned out.  Internship? Check.  Housing next year? Check.  Future roommate?  Check.  Class schedule?  Check.

I have a lot more figured out than a lot of people I know, and for that I praise God.  But I am throwing the other confusing parts of my life up to the heavens.  Because I don't want to carry it anymore.

Thanks for always playing a good game of catch.

xo. Elise