Fast

I decided to make myself go crazy this week.  Because at one point I decided it would be a good idea?  I decided to not watch Netflix, go on social media, read blogs, or eat dessert.  As Anne said, I basically limited myself to reading.  So I've read a lot this week.  

My internship starts next week.  Have I talked about my internship?  It hasn't started, but it's already making me crazy.  I know absolutely nothing about it.  And for someone who likes to know the end before the beginning, this week before it starts will probably be harder than the actually internship.  

I came home from college, still on a high of independence and late nights.  I had studied hard and played hard.  My head was spinning while I tried to squeeze every last thing and everything seemed final and sure.  I somehow thought it would be the last time for this and the last time for that and so I might as well get ice cream and go for it, right?  I let myself go in the thrill of saying goodbye.  

I came home tired of it all.  Tired of feeling so full and so empty at the same time.  I remember reading in one of my current favorite books, Bittersweet by Shauna Niequest.  She talks about when her and husband moved from Chicago to Grand Rapids, they arrived exhausted, full of food, and over-caffeinated.  So when they moved back to Chicago, they decided to do a juice fast to clear their heads.  I don't have a problem with caffeine or the desire to do a juice fast, but I get what it means to  want a clearer head and easier heart.  

I'm realizing what it's like to have a phone that is at 90% battery at the end of the day.  I now know what it's like to not have to charge your laptop every night.  I don't know what is going on with any of my friends.  I don't know who has gotten their mission call or who has left or who had a fabulous adventure in any place.  

I also have no reason to look at any recipes.  I have no plans to make any delicious dessert. I don't scour the internet or my favorite recipe blogs, looking for the perfect combination of ingredients.  I don't laugh over my favorite reruns.  My eyes don't hurt from looking at the screen.

So this 'fast' of mine has been good.  I haven't had any huge revelatory moments about myself.  I haven't connected with myself at a deeper level.  And in the midst of my daily actions, it's hard to think of things to fill the time when I don't fill it with wasting time.  And yesterday it nearly killed me to not have any dessert.  

But I'm doing it.  I have done it for three days.  I've never done that before.  And I am slowly working towards something, which is heartening.  This week has been quiet, and that's ok.  I will be back on the loud train in a few days, but I am grateful to take this week to be calm.  

xo. Elise