Current Bush

A couple of weeks ago, my sister sent me the link to this video.  She has sent it to me a couple of times, and when I saw the video I thought, been there seen that.  I wasn't going to watch it again, but I decided to anyway.  I thought I knew what it was about, but by the end of it, I was in tears as I saw my current situation being played out in video form.

That was a few weeks ago, and I have watched that video since then.  But I haven't wanted to be a current bush.  I wanted, and to be honest a smidgen of me still wants to, be a shade tree, stretching out across the world in so many different places, growing big and tall in so many different directions. I didn't want to be a small, insignificant current bush with nothing to show of the fruits of my labors.  I didn't want to feel so alone and forgotten and like a failure.

But I suppose when you keep asking God for guidance, keep reading your scriptures, and keep searching, the answer will become a brick wall.  All those days when I read my scriptures, but didn't feel anything, all those days when I would plead for something, I finally felt something.

And I'm coming to terms with being a current bush.  I still don't love it.  I still am not sure how to grow as a current bush, someone who was cut down to produce something beautiful.  I'm still baffled on what the lessons are or what I'm supposed to accomplish.

But I'm feeling hope, which is something I haven't felt for a while.  I'm hopeful for this fall.  I'm hopeful for what I can contribute.  I'm hopeful in God's plan.

There was a moment today when the sun was streaming in and my room was golden.  I was reading a book so well-loved the back cover has disappeared and the front cover is hanging on by a thread.  I was sitting on a bed in a room that has sometimes felt like a prison as I went through this identity crisis.  And I felt absolutely happy.  Just happy.  With no footnote and no fateful 'but' following like an unwanted puppy.

And I'm sorry for speeding through.  I'm sorry for the times I have pushed too hard.  I'm sorry for not saying more, and I'm sorry for closing up instead of blooming.  I apologize to my family, who has dealt with me with extraordinary patience.

And I mostly apologize to God.  I struggle with accepting His plan, especially during this season of my life.  But I'm learning.

xo. Current Bush