Too Small

I never thought I would outgrow my goal system.  I guess I always thought, on some level, that I would have a 45 going on 46 list (even though as I type that it seems crazy and worn out).  But as I've gone throughout this year, I realized that my list of 19 things to complete before I was 20 is no longer serving me.  They have become a checklist, not a list to push myself.  They have become something to cross off, not something to revel in.  I am almost done with the list, and instead of feeling satisfaction at the new things I've learned, I feel relief.

And in some ways, it's scary because I don't know how else to evaluate myself.  The list of 16 things to do before I was 17 stemmed from a lot of pain and insecurity, and I began the pattern with a hope of developing myself.

I started this blog as a way to push myself out of my comfort zone.  I entered a photography contest.  I broke my record in the mile.  I've tried a new art form.  I ran a half marathon.  I took first in a debate tournament.  I got a hundred on a math test.  I beat my dad in a push-up contest.  I made a cake for an event.  I went to college.

I look past at these old goals and these old lists.  I did so many brave, hard things because of them.  And I'm so glad I did.

But this is my last year.  I am finishing these season on an even number at the beginning of a decade.  I am entering my infamous twenties.  And I want to give myself permission to find new ways to evaluate myself because I keep changing.  And only recently have I realized just how much I have changed.

xo. Elise