Alone, but not Abandoned

The past few months have been difficult for reasons that have been hard for me to articulate.  I have tried to explain it to a lot of different people in a lot of different ways, but it's been hard to get a grasp on it and explain why.  Which, therein lies one of the issues.

The past few months, I have felt alone.  Really alone.  The type of being alone that makes my heart hurt.  For one reason or another, it's been just me.  Walking into a function, by myself.  Ordering food to-go, by myself.  Trying to make plans for the next year, by myself.   And it's hard to explain why something hurts when no one knows exactly what is hurting.

And it wasn't just the big things that I felt alone, but it was the day to day things.  I was expecting to see a whole group of people supporting me when I stumbled.  And instead, I found myself tripping by myself.  Again and again until it was freaking Groundhog day.

I was worried that I would lose God when I came out to Pennsylvania.  I was worried about losing myself.

And I think that's where I need to articulate the difference between being alone and being abandoned.  Because I was, and am, very much alone.  But I am not abandoned.

And I've been trying to find a way to convey exactly how I feel about this subject, but frankly it's too hard.  It's too full of justification for people that don't get it or who will try to make it better, even when they aren't members of the audience and will never see this.  On some level, it's too sacred for me to share why.

But there is a big difference between being alone and being abandoned and that distinction is important.