In the Deep End Again

I've been living on happiness highs for the past couple of years.  I feel like I have worked so hard in certain areas, and I have felt the reward.  I have found very few things as satisfying as working hard towards a goal, and then feeling the accomplishment that comes with that.

Here in Spain, it's a quieter happiness.  Walking around the plaza, buying yet another gray sweatshirt for my collection, laughing with my friends at lunch.  These are all simple parts of my day.  I sometimes miss the flashy happiness.  The kind that is so intense and hard, but feels so good.

For the first time in a few years, I feel truly out of my depth.  I am taking an art class and bumbling my way through two hours of Spanish class every day.  I got frustrated with myself today because I felt limited.  I have worked so hard to streamline my life.  I sometimes joke that I have sold my soul to the capitalistic machine, but honestly, I feel like the legitimacy I've worked so hard to earn is wasted in this stage of life.

Which is fine?  I know it's good, but it's startling to be swimming in the deep end again.  And yes, my day is as drastic as feeling so content, but then also confronted with so many insecurities.

Today was a good day.  And today was a hard day.

xo. Elise