I told my sister that I feel like I have been on a boat for the past few months. I remember my 22nd birthday was actually kind of exhausting because everything seemed to be changing and different. Moving out, leaving for Spain, ending college--it all seemed too much. Ever since then, everything has had a sense of temporariness which is tiring, but also comforting. Nothing is permanent, nothing has to stay the same, if it's bad, it will soon be over, if it's good, it's enough to survive on.
I didn't know if I wanted Spain in my life, and now I am shockingly sentimental and searching for small memories and reminders. I was positive I wanted Uganda in my life, and now I look at pictures, still a little surprised that I survived. I knew I wanted a European trip to happen, and I am still really tired, but very happy.
Someone asked me what I've been up to, and I didn't even know how to answer. That is a little discombobulating, but also soothing. Permanence can hurt and seem like a tidal wave. I don't necessarily advocate for constant change, but when you are feeling very uncomfortable with your identity, it is a really great way to numb your panic.
Part of me wants to live free and open, without chocolate chip cookies or social media to protect me. The other part of me wants to just. keep. running.
A really wise and mature part of me knows that the not starting is actually much scarier than just starting. A job, an apartment, a social life will all anchor me, but right now it feels like it will drown me (oohhh dramatic metaphors? I like it).
All this to say, I'M FREAKING OUT.
How is your Tuesday evening going?
xo. Elise
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