4 Years

I just want to take a moment to recap college.  Lol, can't actually do that in one blogpost, but wow, such a happy four years for me.  I was so excited about college. It is something you work towards for the longest time, and I am happy to report it is even better than I imagined.  I remember after my first semester being in shock that life could be that good.  That college was better than everyone said.  That it would be so much fun.  The day my parents left me at BYU, I walked around campus, and I walked to the Tanner Building.  I was limping because of my half marathon the day before, but I opened the doors, and there was just a whoosh of air.  I have always loved that building.  There are fountains on nearly every floor and an entire roof full of windows.  It always seems just a little bit warmer, and I think it reminds me of the National Gallery in D.C., and I just love it.  I started walking down the stairs, and I just felt like my dreams were going to come true.  Such a small memory, one where I was mostly freaking out about the fact that my parents had actually left, but there was so much promise in that blue building. 

I took a moment on Friday to go back there and just feel the power there.  It's humbling to think about what has happened over the past four years.  So many aspects of my life are normal now, that I forget the miracles.  I truly felt such happiness and truly felt despair.  I didn't know I could feel that perfect or feel that hopeless.  I didn't know I could make such good friends and then be strangers in a few months.  I didn't know that I could function on that little sleep.  I didn't know that I was actually really great at throwing parties or making slide decks or baking chocolate chip cookies. 

I didn't know I would graduate college having visited 21 countries.  I didn't know that I would receive a full-ride scholarship that would dictate my full-time job (or what I did with my summer vacations).  I didn't know I would have four internships and participate in two study abroads.  I didn't know I would actually go and work on a development project.  I didn't know I would run nine half marathons.  I didn't know I would compete in four case competitions.  I didn't know I would get into the program of my dreams.  I didn't know I would say goodbye over and over again to basically every friend I made, but then I would keep making such good friends along the way. 

In the wake of graduation, I have been struggling to find purpose or success in my college experience.  What did all of it even really mean?  Why did I work so hard, and in a lot of ways, sacrifice so much (including my peace of mind)?  Was it worth it?  What did I even really do?  I don't have a life-plan, five year plan, or three month plan and that puts me characteristically out of control. 

I am working on practicing grace and giving myself time to figure out the answers.  I have taken hundreds of quizzes, dozens of tests, and submitted innumerable assignments.  I have lost hundreds of hours of sleep and made too many presentations.  I have read thousands of pages and typed too many essays.  I have learned about dynamic capabilities and how pine trees reproduce and transitional justice theory.  The investment in college is staggering.  I can't comprehend how much I have learned and changed, both inside and outside of the classroom. 

And when I look back on these four years, if I were to draw up a 'Top Ten Lessons I learned in College' list, I realized that there is one thing that would literally alternate every singe lesson.  God. is. there. for. you. 

This has been the biggest question of my college career.  The question I grapple with late at night, early in the morning, and over my lunch break.  It is the prayer I chant when I am scared or worried.  It is what I search the scriptures for and keep my eyes open for when I am looking for tender mercies.  It is the prayer I sob in the temple parking lot and what I write in my journal. 

I am not perfect in my belief or my faith.  It still is shaky in my feeble execution and practice.  But, above everything else, I have learned that God is there.