I have travelled to eight countries this year. Traveled to Africa by myself. Threw myself in a language class I really wasn't qualified for. Started a job at an extremely competitive tech company. Moved myself into my apartment. Graduated college from a highly-ranked business school and one of the most competitive programs on campus.
However, tonight I am ironing a t-shirt because I have decided that this outfit will help boost my confidence as a friend of my asks about my dating life and I am entering the superfluous stage of life.
There is something a little lawless about this stage of life. Exhibit A. is me getting Cafe Rio twice in a week because I can, but also knowing what I would trade to no longer feel like an invisible member of Mormon society.
To heck with the bonfire smoke, I am wearing whatever I want because I am navigating a lump in my throat as I get dressed. Surely tonight I won't feel less than? Please reread the first paragraph to understand my confusion.
Why do I feel like I am on the edge of the volleyball court all over again?
I have spent so long crafting a persona of capable that it is disorientating to have all of that vanish under the interrogation about my dating life.
I have been out of the country for five and a half months, so yeah, the dating life isn't stellar.
This is more honest than I want it to be, but I am working on talking and speaking up (even if everything I write seems to be nuance with PMS hormones and the dramatics of an emotional female).
Please don't placate me with whatever people usually say to make people feel better because it won't really help? In any case, I am still going to the party with a small gift, big smile, and an ironed t-shirt (even though ironing goes against my personal beliefs).
xo. Elise
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