Soft

There are a couple of times that you are lucky enough to have a completely revolutionary change in your relationship with Heavenly Father, and I am right in the middle of that season.  I feel like life is grinding me out right now...not in a life is a grind kind of way, but I just feel like I am being ground down.  Mostly on a daily basis, but it is just interesting to be here. 

I am learning that God loves us individually, and the way He loves us so much more tender than what I pray for.  I pray for Him to fix me--right then.  And instead, He sends specific answers to prayers.  I pray to find meaning in my life and a direction.  He chooses to gently tell me small steps forward. 

In the midst of all of this, to be frank, I am frustrated.  I want to be marching forward in a confident stride.  I hate feeling unsure of who I am and what I'm doing.  I just want to be barreling down a direction--any direction. 

However, I am trying to learn that God is guiding me.  And I'm trying to remember, isn't this what I asked for?  Haven't I been asking for purpose and for a change of direction and a new way to evaluate my worth?  Haven't I sighed in exhaustion, telling Him that I just can't do it anymore?  That my legs are aching and my lungs need air, and I just can't keep running?  I have said this prayer many times, all while going on to the next thing that needed my whole self-esteem to function. 

Now I am moving past that stage of life, mostly bitter that it couldn't keep going.  Being soft is hard for me.  Being quiet is abnormal.  Being invisible?  Not wanted.  Yet, as I am listening closer and harder, I feel a soft tugging on my soul.  I am recognizing God is around me, in every molecule.  The way He loves me is so much more beautiful than I realize. 

xo. Elise