Blaring Sirens

When I made it to the second round a of a prestigious scholarship, I had several guys tell me they assumed it was because I was a girl.  They were joking, but mostly in the way that you know that they weren't exactly kidding.  When I planned on applying for the strategy program, I would get two responses. 1. Wow, are your grades good enough? 2. Oh, you'll get in, you're a girl.  I started lying about what program I wanted to apply for, and everyone was surprised when they found out that I didn't actually want to do marketing and instead choose strategy. 

I remember wondering when my gender began to be an excuse for my success in life.  If I'm being frank, it's conversations like these that make me look constantly over my shoulder.  I am always a little surprised that there isn't a small name tag on my shirt that says, 'Imposter.'

I was talking to a coworker today and he mentioned how the VP of Strategy asked him about a project, and so he had to go through his framework, assumptions, and calculations on a project. 

Internally, I panicked. 

If I was asked to do that, I am not sure that I wouldn't crumble immediately.  I still am walking around the office convinced that I am falling way below the standard. 

I'm scared of being found out.  I'm worried that at one point, everyone will look at each other, nodding knowingly, and say, yep, we knew she was a fraud. 

When I look back at the past few years, I know that if I am a fraud, I am a masterful one.  Where I currently work has technically hired me three different times, my internship, part-time, and full-time.  The only interview I ever had was a half an hour chat with the executives (the interview process is typically several interviews with intense case questions and brainteasers).  I completed a financial internship and received a return offer as well, even though my training in finance consisted of a Finance 201 class taken two years ago.  I did a language immersion program in classes well above my ability, and still successfully completed the courses. 

At one point, I am wondering how much proof I need to convince myself that I belong.  But to be honest, I don't really want to wait around to find out. I'm tired of feeling like I don't belong or that I'm not smart enough or that somehow someone is going to find me out. 

GUESS WHAT.  I'm enough.  I'm good enough for that scholarship I ended up winning.  I'm good enough to be strategy alumni.  And I'm good enough to do a really excellent job at my current job. 

No more blaring sirens screaming that I'm an imposter. 

xo. Elise