Rewind

Honestly, if I could put this post off until another weekend I would, but I don't have time.  Debate State is this weekend, and I really wanted to record my experience from last year at State, on this blog, before everything changes.

Oh, you know, I did something similar here and here!  Except this year I'm talking about how I lost. Really badly.  That's cool.

I was debating in a school I already had debated in before, and boy howdy, I didn't do well at that tournament either.  I literally thought that too.  I remember walking down the hall, panicking on the inside.  I was wearing my blue skirt, flowered shirt, and creme cardigan.  (I don't know why I remember that, but go with me.)

I went to my first round.  It was a girl I had lost to the week before.  She was actually really unethical in her debate and kind of made me want to punch her.  Ugh, I'm getting irritated just thinking about.  I had a 'mommy' judge.  Literally, her daughter was in the room with her.  If I remember correctly, the judge knew the opponent?  All I know is I lost to her again.  And she pulled some pretty shady moves in round, again.  (Hmmm...didn't know I was going to get bitter in this post.  Sorry! :)

My second round.  Sigh.  This round was really awful.  I was so nervous I could barely see straight.  He started reading faster and I panicked and I couldn't think clearly enough to make anything work.  My judge was one of the worst judges I had ever had.  Seriously.  He was so rude, condescending, and awful.  I lost that round too.

My third round was my saving grace.  I had a judge I've had before, she was actually one of my biggest competitors mom's.  This was actually the only round I won.  When I think about it, yes, there was probably some bias there.  But I also think I legitimately won that round.  Take that as you will.

That night, I knew it wasn't going well.  People were being vague about my record and I just felt...off.  I tried to rewrite my case with my coach's help.  It didn't help that our hotel was repulsive.  Seriously, the worst hotel I've ever stayed in.  I was so exhausted and emotionally drained.  I went to bed and remember waking up and eating a bagel for breakfast.  Oh, that hotel was gross.

Round 4.  This round stands out in my mind clearly, some rounds just do that.  I don't think I'll ever forget it.  I distinctly remember giving my speech, sitting down, and thinking: "There is no way I'm losing this round."  I remember my argumentation was so beautiful and I remember feeling confident about how I was doing.  Well, I lost that round too.  Who knows why.

5th Round.  My timer stopped in this round. (That was stressful.)  I was running a kind of new case.  I don't remember much else...but it wasn't good.  Yes, I lost this round.

All this time though, I didn't know my record.  I didn't know how I was doing.  Who knows.  I remember thinking I could either be 5-0 or 0-5.  Turns out the latter was more accurate.  I think back to the clues that I should have seen.  No one was being forthcoming with me.  No one was really happy to see me.  Probably because they were frustrated I wasn't doing well/they didn't know what to say to me.

At one point, I thought my coach told me that my teammate was 1-4.  I told him I didn't want to know my record. I felt bad for her until he clarified.

He clarified that I was 1-4.

Oh, my heartbreaks just thinking about poor Elise who had to find that out. I actually felt anger first.  Oh I was spitting mad.  So mad.  So so mad.  And then I escaped.

I went walking down the hall.  Just walking.  I called my mom and started crying.  I remember walking up the stairs to a deserted stairwell.  I remember sitting down and crying.  Crying on the ground and talking on the phone.

I would view this as one of the most heartbreaking moments of my life (thus far).  Really #2 when I think about it.  I was so mad at my coach...I don't really know why.  Probably because he was really rude when he told me.  He told me in the worst possible way, especially after I told him I didn't want to know.  I went back and told him that he never should tell me like that again.  I understand that I needed to know, but I told him that he should never talk like that to me again.

And....I basically just sat all day crying off and on.  I remember going to check postings, to verify my name wasn't there.  I felt numb, really.  How was the previous State Champion supposed to feel?  Do you understand what happened?  I was State Champion and then I wasn't.

However, I was able to watch my friend give his speech because my crying convinced him.  I actually had a really good heart-to-heart with another friend that didn't do so well.  I learned that there is a support group always around me, and that they didn't like me because I debated well, they liked me because of me.

The awards ceremony was awful.  An incompetent individual was presenting the awards.  Yes, I say that with a lot of spite, but it was one of the most horrifying displays of bias and rudeness I've seen.  They went on and on that the winning team had worked so hard and that they were so good.  They lost the results and they mixed up schools.  It was very painful, yet we were the only school to give them a standing ovation.

Sorry this is getting so long, but that day was really a learning experience for me.  I've never had that type of tournament.  Ever.  In my whole life I had never had that.  And then it happens at State?  What!?  I've spent a year thinking about it.

And I'm ok with it.  I've come to terms with it.  Yet, I couldn't be more proud of myself for trying again.  I thought it would be hard coming in after taking State, but starting again is a lot harder after you've crashed and burned.  I had two team members tell me that my experience actually helped them a lot.  These girls are extremely successful in debate, and they will go far, but they told me that seeing me lose helped them.  It helped them because they realized that sometimes you do fall, but people are there to pick you up.  They realized even if they fail, it's ok.  They are still enough.

For that reason alone, it was worth it.

My third State tournament is this weekend.  When I think of how I want to feel, I imagine myself flying.  Flying straight down to earth, with my hair flowing everywhere and a smile on my face.  I am going to fly and enjoy every single second of my last debate tournament.  It's my last one, and you can bet I'm going to rock it, regardless of my record.