God is Good.

I've been struggling lately.  I don't even know why.  Struggling with my relationship with God.  Is He there?  Struggling with school.  Why is school so hard? Struggling with friends.  Do I have friends?  Are they there for me? Struggling with myself.  Overall, just struggling.

I haven't felt like I've had purpose lately.  What am I doing with my life, anyway?  I'm here at BYU.  Awesome.  So what? I go to class, do homework, volunteer, hang out with friends, do the dishes (so many dishes), run, sleep (not as much as I want).  But what am I even doing here?

I've been hesitant to pray for tender mercies. It makes me feel uncomfortable to beg Heavenly Father to show me that I am loved.  To show me that I do have purpose.  I dislike whining for something that I know He has shown me so many times.  And yet, I've desperately wanted something or someone to do something.

I selfishly felt like I have been giving so much to so many people, yet I have been given so little in return.  I've been trying harder to write notes, send text messages, pray my guts out for my friends and family that are struggling, when really at the end of the day I go to sleep hurting and sad.

I understand that February is hard.  It has always been a hard month for me.  Middle of winter.  Stress out the roof.  This February, in particular is difficult because my life is a time bomb that is going to explode in April.  Everything right now is temporary. It's exhausting to invest in things, events, and people when you know that eventually everything is going to be gone.

I also recognize that hormones are a real thing, and I have a knack for being overly dramatic. I am emotional, a weakness and a strength.

Yet 2015 has felt like one wave after another, crashing down on me again.  And again.  And again.

And so I pleaded with the heavens, one more time this morning. This morning when I woke up feeling like the bad guy.  Intensely irritated with my situation and feeling lonelier than before.  My life, instead of feeling full, has felt desolate.  And that is something that is hard to wake up to every morning.

I prayed today.  And I finally found the solace I have been needing.

"Just you wait, Elise.  I have so many amazing things planned for you."

That's it.  I am a big believer in waiting for March.  I know that eventually, these hard times will pass and life will make sense again.  I will wake up with my life so stuffed of everything, I can barely keep mental lists of all of my blessings.

And today, Heavenly Father reminded me that this period of what seems like emptiness will pass.  This drought will be over eventually, and blessings will rain upon me again.

I have been deliberate in happiness lately.  Counting my blessings.  Trying to serve.  Trying to get sleep.  Praying.  Eating healthily.  Running.  Cleaning.  Getting something crossed off my to-do list.  These efforts have felt in vain lately, since I don't feel happier, mostly just lost.

But today, God is good.  God is listening.  God is aware.  God has a plan, just for me.  He understands the comments that slice and the failings that tumble down.

And so today, I am feeling happier.  And for that I am grateful.

xo. Elise