Hard Things

I'm currently eating yogurt covered pretzels and drinking Diet Coke for breakfast.  My room hasn't really been clean for a while.  Don't ask me about the state of my groceries because they don't really exist.  I am tired and scrambling to finish the work I haven't had time to work on all week. 

I stayed up late and got up early, and in a lot of ways I was dreading going to bed because when you get disappointing news, there are few things that are harder than trying to fall asleep, the whole thing playing on rewind in your head. 

I'm trying to grapple with the anger, the disappointment, and the insecurity.  It's overwhelming, especially when people keep helpfully texting me and asking about it.  Or they ask halfway across the auditorium in front of other people.  Or they somehow have me repeating my failure, again and again, just wanting to know the details. 

But you know?  I'm really proud of myself.  I went through all of this again.  This potential (and what seems like the inevitable) disappointment.  I invested in myself and in these talents of mine.  I pushed myself faarrr outside of my comfort zone.  I redefined myself and changed my identity of who I am. 

And I did it all again.  And again.  And again.  The last year and half has been trying hard, even though I wasn't always sure if it was the best for me or I really wanted to give up a long time because it was scary.  I'm proud of myself for evaluating something that would be valuable for my future.  I put my current insecurities and fears aside for something I thought would be beneficial for my future.  That type of courage is something I'm proud of. 

I walked into the Tanner Building yesterday, and was a little scared.  I didn't want to talk about it.  I really didn't want to cry about it.  I didn't want to rehash it.  I didn't cry about it, but again, I'm proud of myself.  I didn't hide, even though I wanted to.  I tried to react with grace, even though I know I didn't do the best job of it.  I tried to be proud, even if in between presenting I wanted to catch my breath and cry.  I was embarrassed and so. very. tired. 

Today is mildly crappy.  To be frank, I'm having a hard time finding my faith and hope and good mood.  But I'm proud of myself regardless.  Because I do hard things.