God Still Calls To You

My 21st year, I have become acquainted with grief, despair, hopelessness, sadness, discouragement, loneliness, and failure in ways I didn't anticipate.  I have felt deep feelings, dark and difficult, that I didn't know I could have.  I have always had a sunny disposition and an optimism that I have relied on.  This year, I have been struggling to maintain that--that hope for the future I've had.  Those goals I wanted to accomplish and the purpose behind my plans have seemed fruitless, pointless, and out of my reach. 

I am not unfamiliar with a lot tips, tricks, workarounds to bring happiness.  I've always been a self-help enthusiast, read my scriptures, prayed diligently, write notes, bring cookies, go to sleep (ok, I'm not that great at that one), run when I need to.  Yet, this year has pushed me beyond my element into an unknown territory, that is quite frankly, just hard. 

Last night was a hard one.  A 'sitting in my car in the temple park lot crying, and then going to a party later pretending it's ok' night.   Because last night wasn't ok.  It just wasn't.  I often feel the need to justify why I hurt or why things are hard, when so many elements of my life are so beautifully easy.  I'm trying not to do that anymore because pain is pain and when I start comparing what pain is worth hurting over, that creates a dichotomy and discourse I'm tired of. 

So last night hurt.  And it was hard.  There was some humiliation, a lot of fear, anger, confusion, and exhaustion. 

Throughout this year, I've asked a lot of questions.  A lot of prayers.  A lot of anger.  A lot of plans that don't seem to work.  A lot of work that is now wasted.  And I keep waiting...waiting...waiting.  Waiting until I feel like myself or I feel like I have purpose or I don't know, just waiting.

I have a lot of thoughts about this season of life, a lot of realizations and feelings that are sacred and I can't explain because even in my most eloquent moments, articulation seems to undermine this (sometimes tenuously feeling) connection I know I have with God. 

And last night was night that I felt very far from God and His Plan of Happiness, that I believe is somewhere out there. 

I don't have much going for me right now that helps, but I saw this quote and it summarizes everything that I know and believe.  My testimony may have seasons where it is robust and full and detailed, but for now, this is what I know, and this is what I believe. 

"God calls to you. 

God knows your every thought, your sorrows, and your greatest hopes.  God knows the many times you have sought Him.  The many times you have felt limitless joy.  The many times you have wept in loneliness.  The many times you have felt helpless, confused, or angry. 

Yet, no matter your history--if you have faltered, failed, feel broken, bitter, betrayed, or beaten--know that you are not alone.  God still calls to you."   -President Uchtdorf

I believe this in the very small piece of my soul that is still brave and trying hard and hopeful. 

xo. Elise