Refrain

I've been trying to do a better job of not being a crappy feminist.  I like to think I am all about women doing good, hard, and powerful things, but when it comes down to it, I undersell myself 90% of the time and passively agree when people do it to me.

I have a deep desire to be a humble person.  I am always so impressed with people who demonstrate such humility and such grace in their lives.  They seem more at peace with themselves and with their life, no doubt because they recognize the sheer power of God's love and how it is woven in every element.

In recent years, I have tried so hard to emulate those people, however, I've found myself becoming a doormat in too many conversations.  And then I think I retaliate in stressful situations or where I feel undermined.  When you feel out of control in one too many situations, you can't help but lash out at the poor guy in your group project that doesn't really deserve your wrath, but is the most convenient target.

In any case, I've been trying to do a better job of embracing my power and being a powerful person.  In this season of self-inspection, I've realized that I have a certain refrain I chant in nearly every conversation.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

And instead of apologizing to people I actually need to, I am apologizing for existing.  When I think I ask one too many questions, I apologize for taking up everyone's time.  When I realize I have taken control of the conversation at a game night, I apologize for using my voice.  When I realize that I have been talking non-stop to a friend for the past five minutes, I apologize for not being silent.  I shift my body as an apologize for taking up space.  I apologize for not being able to accommodate everyone in my schedule.  I apologize for being too busy when people see my schedule.  I apologize for not doing my dishes immediately.  I apologize for being loud, making noise, talking at all, making comments, laughing, saying goodbye, leaving early, arriving late, asking questions, being passionate, showing love, being too invested, being high-maintenance, and at the end of the day, for just living.

I am so very tired of checking myself because I don't think I'm allowed to be myself.  It is all too easy to justify your words and your actions, thinking it will keep you safe from being hurt or being made fun of.

I'm truly tired in a lot of areas of my life, but I am fundamentally exhausted of this refrain.