Globetrotting

I wondered yesterday why I traveled.  I grew up traveling, it's always been part of me.  I can't imagine having a summer where I don't board a plane.  I have a dream of slowly conquering the world, one country, one world wonder, one perfect sunset at a time.  I've dreamed of visiting different cultures and countries, seeing the pyramids in person and standing at the feet of the statue of Christ in Brazil.  I want to go to Iceland so desperately, and I hope to visit Peru. 

But why?

It's so glamorous to travel the world, and in only 40 days!  It gives me a certain level of satisfaction to understand what authentic Indian food is and understand what it's like to never have the sun set in Finland.  It makes my Instagram seem cool and it makes me feel like I'm going places. 

I sometimes wonder if I am always wanting to travel because surely, that shows I'm trying in this world.  It literally shows I'm moving.  I have a haunting fear of not living up to the expectations of Elise.  I've done a better job of getting past that, but a certain part of me is still scared that I am an imposter in a successful life.  I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop and for people to figure out that I'm not all that I've claimed or shown in the past.  And maybe this is too shallow of a connection to my summer vacations, but I fear being stuck.  Being the same.  Being a fake. 

I've been frustrated with myself the past couple of days, why do I insist on going everywhere?  Why do I always want to just go?  Isn't it enough to stay?  And why am I so entitled to think I should even travel? 

I am leaving to go to another country in less than a week, to live there for several months.  At the end of the day, traveling has given me the world.  Growing up, I was able to see how other people live and see more diversity than the all-too similar Utah landscape.  It has changed me and shaped me, and I am forever grateful for those experiences that have reminded me that the world is full of people that God loves. 

I guess I mostly want to change what traveling means.  I'm traveling to better understand the world, not to show people that I am not an imposter.